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Twenty-two people were injured when an SUV crashed in to a New York City restaurant. The hostess ignored it for a half-hour because the driver didn’t have a reservation.

The late Pope Benedict’s last words were reportedly “Jesus, I love you” … only he said it to a naked 17-year-old boy standing at his bedside.

Southwest Airlines was hit with its first lawsuit for not providing refunds after cancelling over 15,000 flights. Passengers rejected Southwest’s initial offer of peanuts.

An 87-year-old Philaelphia woman was struck in the shoulder by gunfire while celebrating New Year’s Eve on her front porch. She’s now earned her place as the oldest living member of the Philadelphia chapter of the Crips.

The House of Representatives failed to elect Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House, the first time in over 100 years a Speaker was not elected on the first ballot. McCarthy received only 203 of the required 218 votes needed. Adding insult to injury, 10 votes were received by Deez Nutz.

A 77-year-old man was rescued after becoming stuck in a drive-thru car wash when he hit the accelerator and the car flipped on its side. He was treated for minor leg injuries and hot wax inhalation.

Accused Idaho Four murder suspect Bryan Kohberger waived extradition and was scheduled to return to Idaho Wednesday morning. As of Wednesday afternoon he was still handcuffed in the Southwest boarding area after two flights were cancelled.

Drew Barrymore said the one actor who could convince her to return to acting is Adam Sandler, or someone else with a convincingly big enough check.

Sharon Osbourne revealed that daughter Kelly has welcomed a baby boy, Sidney. They wanted to keep the name at two syllables so Grampa Ozzy has a fair chance at remembering it and saying it right.

A ‘bomb cyclone’ is expected to cause a major flooding event in large parts of California, making real estate even more expensive since more of it will be waterfront.

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Microsoft laid off hundreds of workers across multiple product departments, including Microsoft Cut From The Teams and Microsoft Bleak Outlook.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair retired from ABC’s Dancing With The Stars after MRIs found too much stress on her bones. Earlier, reality tv hag and ex-convict Teresa Giudice was released from the show after both MRIs & judges discovered two left feet.

Pop-punk band Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus said he tried buying tickets to his own band’s reunion tour but couldn’t, because Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing algorithm wouldn’t let him complete the sale. He received an error message stating that he blinked and missed Blink.

Pete Davidson is reportedly texting Kim Kardashian for a “thoughtful reason” – seeing that she’s okay amidst Kanye’s latest meltdowns, and because he ‘thought’ she might still reply with nudes.

A 33-year-old woman hoping to promote women’s contributions to science created over 1,000 Wikipedia biographies for “unknown female scientists”. Not surprisingly, they’re all still unknown.

Etsy is actively selling Jeffrey Dahmer-themed apparel with slogans life ‘Jeff Boyardee’ and ‘Choke Me Like Bundy, Eat Me Like Dahmer’. This creates a conflict because, while the items are tasteless, they’re actually some of the only Etsy merchandise people want to get as gifts.

Drew Barrymore said that she’s “not a person who needs sex”, leading to several male & female interns on her talk show quitting.

The Catholic Church’s Diocese of Chicago asked Rev. Michael Pfleger to resign after another allegation of sexual misconduct surfaced from over 40 years ago. Pfleger said he’d think about it and make a decision after the annual altar boy fall picnic.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan snuck into the on-field tunnel and ran on to the field with the team ahead of their game against the Dallas Cowboys. Players thought he was a Make-A-Wish recipient, but he was even more drunk than most Make-A-Wish kids.

Donald Trump allegedly showed a classified letter from Kim Jong Un to a journalist, setting off an investigation to his handling of documents. Although in Trump’s defense, the journalist wondered why Korean barbecue recipes were classified.

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Drew Barrymore said she lost 20 pounds for her role as a flesh-eating zombie in the Netflix series Santa Clarita Diet, because someone who only eats protein should look more lean. She’s now working on looking “embarrassed to be taking money” for an upcoming role in a Netflix Adam Sandler movie.

A Trump Organization helicopter carrying Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner from Washington D.C. to New York returned to the airport mid-flight due to an engine failure. They scrambled to get a commercial flight, which they almost missed since Jared’s security risk is so bad he can’t qualify for TSA Pre.

New York magazine said that departed White House Communications Director Hope Hicks tried to leave her job twice before finally resigning last month. Her earlier attempts to leave were thwarted by Sarah Huckabee Sanders blocking the door.

Former Glee cast member Naya Rivera sang songs on Instagram to audition for the role of Maria in a revival of West Side Story. Producers, however, liked what they saw of Rivera’s battery arrest for beating up her husband last year, and cast her in a rumble between the Sharks and the Jets.

Massachusetts State Rep Michelle Dubois is asking to rename the ‘General Hooker Entrance’ at the statehouse – named for Civil War Union General Joseph Hooker -because it’s demeaning to women. Some male politicians support the move, as long as the General Hooker Entrance is replaced with an entrance for Specific Hookers. [h/t to J. Ost.]

A driver in California crashed his car through the front of a Taco Bell in Danville. The driver was fourth in line for medical treatment behind the three people who had just finished their Nacho Fries.

Walmart is partnering with gig-worker startup Handy to offer in-home setup of Walmart furniture – not to be confused with the Handy part-time Walmart employees are offering next to the merchandise pickup bay to help make ends meet.

IBM has created a computer smaller than a grain of salt – that it won’t dare sell to anyone over age 50.

Toys R Us stores – all of which will be closed or sold as the company liquidates – have started clearance sales, leading to some amazing deals, and the most epic fistfights between toddlers that you’re ever going to see.

President Trump tweeted to celebrate the firing of FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, just two days before he was to collect his pension for decades of government service. Trump then donned a top hat and black cape to await the foreclosure of a dairy farm where the 30-year-old wife can’t make the payments because her husband is away fighting the war.