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Northern Ireland outlawed smoking in cars with children on board. Irish toddlers are now wondering what to do with their free hand while drinking a sippy cup of Guinness.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is shown having difficulty descending a flight of stairs in government propaganda film ‘The Great Year of Victory, 2021‘. Kim’s next movie role will be in ‘The Execution Of The Guy Who Used To Make The Propaganda Films’.

Economists are issuing warnings as the U.S. national debt hit $30 trillion for the first time. President Biden is screening calls from a Chinese guy who called his January envelope “a little light”.

The entire U.S. federal prison system was placed on lockdown after a gang altercation at a Texas prison resulted in two inmate deaths. Visitors were advised to go home, remove the contraband from their rectums, and try to smuggle it in again next week.

Active shooter emergencies were declared Tuesday at a Minnesota high school and a Virginia college. Everything is cool at nursery schools and kindergartens.

Some of the Trump White House documents turned over to the January 6th Committee had been ripped up by Trump, including Oval Office memos, meeting agendas, and incorrect TV Guide Crossword Puzzles.

People are brushing their teeth less during the pandemic, according to a new study of workers taking afternoon Zoom calls with lunch stuck in their teeth.

6,000 people were ordered to evacuate a one-mile radius around a burning North Carolina fertilizer plant, for fear of a devastating ammonium nitrate explosion. Officials haven’t been this concerned about damage from exploding crap since Taco Bell introduced the Double Chalupa.

Netflix announced it’s raising prices to $19.99/month. “Amateurs” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

NASA plans to retire the International Space Station before 2031 by crashing it into the Pacific Ocean. They’ll defray the operating cost starting in 2026 by renting it out on AirlessBNB.

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The eastern span of New York’s Tappan Zee Bridge was imploded, falling in to the Hudson River. Dive crews began the lengthy process of retrieving all of the bodies poured in to the bridge’s now-shattered concrete pillars 60 years ago.

Taco Bell will test a vegetarian menu at select stores; the locations will be chosen just as soon as they can figure out where all of the broke vegetarians live.

A Federal judge struck down the Trump Administration’s plan to add a U.S. citizenship question to the 2020 census, despite the Administration’s offer to reward specially-selected non-citizens with a free trip to Mexico.

Chipotle debuts its Lifestyle Bowls for Keto, Paleo & Whole30 diets today – they’ll be sold along with their most successful weight-loss item, E.coli.

Netflix announced price increases for all of its subscription plans, with the price of its most popular plan increasing to $13. When angry customers call Netflix and threaten to go back to cable, the operators put them on hold so they can laugh.

Lifeway Research surveyed 2000 adults age 23-30 who attended Protestant churches in high school,  and found that two-thirds of them had stopped going. The main reasons were “life changes”, “pastor or church related reasons”, and “terrible wifi”.

President Trump was lambasted for misspelling hamburgers ‘hamberders’ in a post to Twitter. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders sprung to his defense, saying Trump obviously meant to write ‘frankferders’.

A Goodyear survey of young adults found that only 51% of millennials can correctly identify the low-tire-pressure light on a car dashboard, while 88% can correctly identify emojis. Car makers plan to create a low-tire-pressure emoji and text it to young adults while they’re driving.

Gymboree plans to declare bankruptcy and close all of its 900 children’s clothing stores. Beleaguered store managers are preparing for one last wave of toddler girls at the Going Out of Business sale slugging it out for that cute outfit they’ve been eyeing.

Walmart acquired plus-size clothing brand Eloquii for $100 million; Eloquii makes clothing exclusively in women’s sizes 14 and above. To align with Walmart shoppers preferences, they’ll rebrand Eloquii items as ‘Medium’.