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104-year-old Australian scientist David Goodall, who’d raised $20,000 to travel to Switzerland to end his life via assisted suicide, died Thursday. Goodall ended his life while listening to Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ – he’d wanted to die listening to Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, but ran out of skips on Spotify Basic.

South Georgia Island near Antarctica, a haven for seabirds that had been infested by non-native rats, has been declared ‘rat free’ in what’s being called the largest rat eradication effort in history, using 13 tons of poison. Scientists believe the only chance for a bigger rat eradication will be in 2020, if the Trump Administration is voted out of Washington.

Donald Trump Jr., soon to be divorced from wife Vanessa, is dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle. Guilfoyle co-hosts Fox News’ ‘The Five’; Trump Jr. has stated his desire to appear on the show, despite only having a Four And A Half.

The South Carolina Department of Natural Resources asked its social media followers to identify a fish that has human-like teeth.  “Why don’t they just ask me?’ wondered Captain Salty the Sea Dentist.

Doctors are warning patients not to wear spandex leggings and yoga pants during MRI procedures, since they may contain metallic threads that could cause burns. They also warn of creepy MRI technicians who share this information in the context of offering women free Butt MRIs.

50 Cent announced that he’s leaving Instagram and going back to Twitter, because they (Instagram) “take shit down off my page with out notifying me. #censorthesenuts” Instagram was then besieged with complaints from 50’s followers – angry that they couldn’t see the photo of his nuts.

The New York Mets lost 2-1 to the Cincinnati Reds in a game where the Mets were penalized for batting out of order in the first inning. Mets Manager Mickey Callaway took the blame for the error, saying he was busy talking to one of the player’s cute mom to see if she could join the team when they went out for pizza after the game.

Ivanka Trump and Melania Trump wore almost identical dresses to President Trump’s signing ceremony for an Executive Order promoting hiring military spouses. The President said they both looked great and couldn’t decide which of them to have sex with first.

Four Danish men in their 20s have started ‘Organic Basics’, a line of underwear that you can wear for weeks without washing, because silver threads kill 99.9% of all bacteria. 2-packs of men’s briefs cost $64 and 2-packs of women’s thongs cost $56. They’ve sold 200,000 units to rich, gross people who never have sex.

L Brands, owner of Victoria’s Secret, is the worst performing stock in the S&P 500 this year, with shares down 50% – and no sign that a push-up is coming anytime soon.

 

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An elderly couple with 60 lbs of marijuana told arresting officers that the weed was for Xmas gifts. “Better let Santa take care of it, then!”, said a white-bearded obese cop before the evidence vanished.

The original Papa John, John Schnatter, is out as company CEO. He’ll be replaced by the COO, who promises to do just as good a job kissing Peyton Manning’s ass.

Darryl Strawberry said that he had sex during Mets games. Usually after both he and Lenny Dykstra had struck out.

A hotel charged guests $350 after they left bad online reviews, so the Indiana state Attorney General is suing on their behalf. Motel 6, we’ll leave the grudge on for you.

Mark Hamill, displeased with his character’s storyline in The Last Jedi, said of it “He’s not my Luke Skywalker”. Replied Disney CEO Robert Iger “He sure isn’t!” before placing a Storm Trooper helmet on his naked body and rolling around in his multi-million dollar Xmas bonus.

The United Nations imposed new sanctions on North Korea for their repeated tests of nuclear missiles. The rules include cutbacks on refined oil imports and reduced imports of other goods. The U.N. rejected U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley’s suggestion of “no Playstation for a week”, while noting her comment that it always gets her kids’ attention.

Apple admitted to slowing down the performance of older iPhones to match degradation in battery life. Apple is being sued by several groups, including a group of iPhone 5 owners who say the Pokemon just expose themselves and give them the finger, knowing they’ll never be caught.

A winter storm is expected to move eastward and snarl land and air traffic on Christmas Eve; creating a lot of anxiety in the wake of Rudolph’s suspension for inappropriate contact with Clarice.

U.S. Border Patrol agents are furious after finding out that they unwittingly provided security for the wedding of a convicted U.S. citizen drug smuggler to his Mexican bride. Agents became suspicious when she was ‘given away’ by El Chapo, and when guests showered the newlyweds in crystal meth.

Vice President Mike Pence made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. He called his wife back home, and she reportedly expressed concern that the women there were showing a lot of eyehole.