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The NFL agreed to changes in its Concussion Protocol, but assured fans that their Playing With Other Broken Body Parts Protocol remains the same.

Disney Paris is closing down the ‘Snow White’ attraction indefinitely, leading to unfair labor practice lawsuits from seven plaintiffs.

Former Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke and two other men received the Nobel Prize in Economics for their work in the banking industry during financial crises. Then they spent their prize money on lottery tickets.

A group of boys selling candy bars in a Hooters parking lot were asked to stop by the manager, so the boys assaulted him and broke his arm. The manager said he was fine with them selling candy, but wanted them to change out of their orange booty shorts.

Multiple participants were injured jumping into a pit of foam rubber cubes at video-streaming conference TwitchCon. One woman stated she broke her back in two places and couldn’t stop Twitching.

Apple’s new ‘crash detection’ feature for iPhone 14 and Apple Watch is mistakenly calling 911 when people ride roller coasters. A theme park visitor wearing an Apple Watch called 911 fifty times between rides on roller coasters and the bumper cars.

Kanye West’s antisemitic posts were removed by Twitter and Instagram; he’d accused Diddy of being controlled by Jewish people. In other news, Kanye cleared 3 million followers within 15 minutes of his debut on Truth Social.

During the New York Mets season-ending loss to the San Diego Padres, Mets manager Buck Showalter had Padres pitcher Joe Musgrove searched for foreign substances. Umpires found no slippery or sticky substances, just a switchblade and a flask of bourbon, and Musgrove was allowed to continue.

A Massachusetts high school football coach quit mid-season with his team 3-3, because of vulgar, abusive behavior from players’ parents. The parents said they were just warming up for when they start yelling at the hockey coach in a couple months.

An elderly female at a Cartagena, Colombia nursing home suffered a heart attack during a “stripper party” where exotic dancers entertained the residents. Someone performed chest compressions on the woman, then shoved 100 pesos in her bra.

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Ben Affleck and girlfriend Ana de Armas broke up. A source said they’re at different points in their life – his point is about 30 years ahead of hers.

Pearl Jam reportedly sent threatening letters to U.K. tribute band Pearl Jamm, telling them to change their name and stop selling merchandise. Pearl Jamm’s attorneys say they won’t comply, citing landmark legal case ‘Van Halen v Vann Halenn‘.

A man was discovered living in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport for 3 months, claiming he was afraid to fly home to Los Angeles because of COVID-19. He was arrested, but immediately entered rehab to treat a Cinnabon addiction.

The New York Mets fired GM Jared Porter after discovering he’d sent explicit text messages and photos to a female reporter back in 2016. Porter is expected to begin a new job as Brett Favre’s publicist.

Melania Trump will not follow tradition and give incoming First Lady Jill Biden a tour of the White House living quarters prior to the Inauguration. Melania claimed it wasn’t rudeness, it’s because of Taco Tuesday.

A woman in the U.K. claims that her Gwyneth Paltrow ‘vagina candle’ exploded. Paltrow’s rep said you’re not actually supposed to light it, you just move your hands gently around it until it gets warmed up.

A Canadian teen, lost and separated from his snowmobiling group, told authorities he survived the night by staying in a snow cave that he made. “You mean that we made” said a friendly bear.

Police in Spain discovered two tons of cocaine in a shipment of charcoal. They arrested a drug dealer who really messed up helping out at the fire department chicken barbecue.

The FBI arrested Riley June Williams, 22, accused of stealing a laptop from Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s office during the DC riots. No word on the laptop, other than it has a new high score in Candy Crush.

Tomorrow, the “nuclear football” will transfer from Donald Trump to Joe Biden. Biden hasn’t decided whether he’ll wipe all the New England Patriots autographs off of it.

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Fox News’ Sean Hannity is divorcing his wife of 20 years. She’ll join the cast of new morning show Fox and No Longer Friends.

Mötley Crüe postponed their headlining stadium tour until 2021. That announcement was followed by news that someone ordered 100 pizzas delivered to Vince Neil’s basement gym.

A mom’s viral video shows her three children interrupting her work-from-home conference call a total of 27 times. She was able to get the kids to nap for the call where she got fired.

A prep school in Florida awarded diplomas to graduates as they rode on jet skis. It was the first-of-its-kind in that way, and also because it was the first graduation where the Coast Guard issued multiple personal watercraft DUIs.

After initially denying it, Donald Trump admitted going to a White House bunker during weekend protests. Trump said it was for a brief bunker inspection – an inspection of his pants that confirmed how scared he was.

Sports business writer Darren Rovell said the loss of a 2020 Major League Baseball season would be worse than 1994, when a strike set baseball back five years – the length of one baseball season.

The New York Mets opened their spring training facility for the first time in 2020, and somehow managed to lose.

A Reddit user posted that he mistakenly ate undercooked, ‘almost raw’ chicken in a sandwich purchased at a restaurant “that rhymes with shmarbys”. The restaurant denied that the undercooked food was actually chicken.

A fossilized dinosaur’s stomach revealed the 110-million-year-old creature’s last meal. Scientists now have a new mystery – discovering where the dinosaur got a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake.

New research suggests a coronavirus vaccine may require two shots – one in the arm, and one down the hatch for the courage to get it.

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All members of the United States Senate were sworn in as jurors in Donald Trump’s impeachment trial, pledging to administer impartial justice while crossing their fingers behind their backs.

HBO announced they won’t pursue a second season of ‘Watchmen’ – answering the age-old question “Who Watches the Watchmen?” with “nobody”.

Someone shot video of Tiger Woods’ 10-year-old son hitting golf balls without permission, sparking an ethical debate about filming children. His father asked that he be left alone until he’s 18 and can send his own videos to bar waitresses and porn stars.

Carlos Beltran, hired in November as manager of the New York Mets, was fired for his role in the Houston Astros sign-stealing scandal while playing in Houston. Beltran never managed a game, making him the only undefeated manager in Mets history.

The San Francisco Giants hired Alyssa Nakken to be the first female assistant coach in Major League Baseball history, working under new manager and former player Gabe Kapler. Kapler said he’s had women work under him before, just not front office personnel.

Former Giant Aubrey Huff criticized Nakken’s hire on Twitter, writing “I got in trouble for wearing a thong in my own clubhouse when female reporters were present.” A Giants spokesperson responded, saying Huff was disciplined because the Victoria’s Secret thong was not approved Major Leage Baseball equipment.

A group of researchers at Yale University completed a study that they hope will end debate about why dinosaurs went extinct. “Good luck with that” said Baptist science teachers.

Hong Kong Express airlines apologized for requiring passengers take pregnancy tests on flights to U.S. territory Saipan, where they feared women were giving birth to obtain U.S. citizenship for newborns. They also apologized for making men take pregnancy tests to prove they weren’t profiling.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr was charged with simple battery for slapping a cop on the buttocks following LSU’s National Football Championship. Beckham mistakenly assumed the cop was one of the strippers LSU staff invited to the postgame locker room.

The world’s largest Snickers bar – over 4,700 pounds – was unveiled in Waco, Texas. It’s projected to provide Waco public school students with almost 5,000 school lunches.

 

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Experts say Philadelphia International Airport may be at risk of flooding from storm surges, based on its proximity to the Delaware River. Philly airport baggage handlers advise travelers to switch to waterproof luggage they can lose and steal.

Coca Cola is introducing AHA, caffeinated sparkling water. It’s a refreshing new way to energize your day with an elevated heart rate and headaches.

New York City Mayor Bill deBlasio faces criticism for a plan where criminals are issued Mets tickets as incentive to show up for court appearances. The criminals criticized the plan, saying they just wanted to show up to go to jail.

Tesla will unveil its ‘Cybertruck’ electric pickup truck on November 21st. It’s ready now, but they’re waiting on rear-window decals of Calvin pissing on a gas pump.

Two million pounds of chicken are being recalled. Whatever they call chicken at McDonald’s these days is not impacted.

Appearing at a Donald Trump rally, Louisiana Senator John Kennedy said of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi “it must suck to be that dumb”. Louisiana Trump supporters replied “oh, we know”.

Aventura Technologies is being investigated for selling surveillance equipment to the U.S. Government that was made in China, but labeled ‘Made in the USA’. It’s being called the biggest fraud bust in the United States since Dolly Parton. [..sorry..]

A report shows Marvel and Star Wars content is the most watched among trial users of new streaming service Disney+.  The least popular content is the Mickey Mouse Anti-Vaping videos.

Sexually transmitted diseases chlamydia, syphilis & gonorrhea have risen in the U.S. for the fifth straight year. The largest number of gonorrhea cases were found in Mississippi – doctors there say many patients don’t get it treated because they can’t spell it.

Oprah released her annual ‘Favorite Things’ list. Topping the list?…the money that companies pay her for putting their products on it.

A 51-year-old man was arrested for groping a Disney Princess at Disney World. The princess was shaken, but otherwise okay, although she said her seven dwarf friends do a lousy job protecting her.

 

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The “entirety of Florida” could be hit by Hurricane Dorian when it makes landfall. It’s so scary, Disney World suspended Mickey Mouse for audibly cursing when he saw the weather report.

President Trump complained that Fox News “doesn’t work for us anymore”.  A visibly shaken Sean Hannity was seen being consoled about the potential breakup.

Justin Bieber led a worship service at his church. Jesus showed up and asked Bieber to stop calling him ‘baby’.

Retired NFL receiver Joe Horn thinks the league should switch from tackle to touch or flag football. Just in case it really happens, the New England Patriots equipment staff is sewing flags to belts so they can’t be pulled off.

USWNT soccer star Carli Lloyd kicked a 55-yard field goal at a Philadelphia Eagles practice. Some wondered whether Lloyd could make an NFL roster – with many doubting teams would use timeouts while Lloyd tried on different shoes before going out.

After giving up 10 runs in his latest appearance, New York Mets pitcher Noah Syndergaard said he’s “sick and tired” of being unathletic on the mound. He’s asked teammates in confidence if they, too, have ever had that “not so fresh” feeling.

Alice Marie Johnson, who Kim Kardashian helped get out of a lengthy prison term for a drug offense, is modeling Kardashian’s new SKIMS shapewear line – saying she wished she had SKIMS for years so she could fit into a size 8 prison jumpsuit.

Robert Downey Jr said in an interview that he “knew it was time” to retire from the Marvel Cinematic Universe — apparently when he read an Iron Man 4 script that had Tony Stark develop a talking cane.

Alabama Governor Kay Ivey apologized for wearing blackface in a racist skit when she attended college at Auburn University in the 1960s. Or, as they called it at Auburn University in the 1960s, a Drama Department audition.

 

 

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President Trump made history as the first U.S. President to set foot in North Korea, then promptly blew it by asking for his dry cleaning.

Observers questioned where North Korean leader Kim Jong Un acquired a Rolls Royce limousine. He claims it was a reward for straight-As in every class he ever took, but privately everyone assumes he assassinated the guy who used to own it.

Taylor Swift published a scathing Tumblr post over her music catalogue being acquired by music industry mogul & talent manager Scooter Braun. The public is hoping Braun will do the right thing and burn all of it.

Meghan Markle attended the Yankees/Red Sox series in London, and gave all of the players ceremonial baseballs with her phone number written on them.

The Buffalo Bills are selling pieces of artifical turf recently removed from their home at New Era Field. They make the perfect gift for someone you hope never has anything good happen to them.

Facebook, AirBNB and Google all have policies forbidding employees from asking another employee on a date twice. So it’s either get rejected and give up, or really make that first date count.

In South Africa, magician Li Lau was struck in the head with an arrow when one of his tricks went wront. Li is expected to recover, and will continue to refine his Don’t Get Hit In The Head With An Arrow illusion.

The New York Mets honored the 50th Anniversary of their 1969 Amazin’ Mets championship team, but mistakenly included two living players in an ‘In Memoriam’ slideshow. No members of the 2019 Mets were shown, though a lot of them wish they were dead.

A new study from broker Edward Jones claims 38% of women admit being hindered from making life decisions by a lack of financial knowledge – adding that it’s just too much work emptying their bag to see how much money is in it.

The Centers for Disease Control warns Americans to take precautions against ‘cryptosporidium’ – a fecal bacteria that can live for days in public swimming pools, causing up to three weeks worth of “profuse, watery diarrhea”. They advise anyone with diarrhea not to swim for up to two weeks, angering water park owners who say they count on sick people to stay in business.

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16 people were charged in a drug operation- smuggling oxycontin pills from California to Pennsylvania inside stuffed animals. “I don’t want you spending time with that teddy bear anymore” said a toddler’s mom.

Pennsylvania’s GOP chairman resigned after he texted pics of his genitals to a woman candidate for Philadelphia City Council, and asked her to send pics back. The search for a successor to lead PA’s Gland Old Party are underway.

Federal prosecutors accuse California congressman Duncan Hunter of improperly using campaign donations to fund at least five extramarital relationships. Worse, none of the women voted for him.

The New York Mets fired their pitching coach and promoted 81-year-old Phil Regan to take the job. Regan was 46 at the beginning of spring training.

According to YouGov.com, 40% of 18-to-24-year-olds haven’t applied antiperspirant or deodorant in the last month. 2019 proms & graduations were reportedly the smelliest on record.

Modern Family actress Sarah Hyland spent the weekend in a hospital. She was suffering from difficulty breathing and chest pains – baffling doctors, since she wasn’t in the Dominican Republic.

Cameo – seller of personalized messages from celebrities – has raised $50 million in funding. A message from Snoop Dogg sells for $3,000; Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sells for $500. Cameo says their biggest customer complaint is finding out Don Knotts is dead.

San Francisco made it official – becoming the first city to ban e*cigarettes. “NOW what are we going to suck on??” asked a handful of protesters.

To compete with Amazon Prime Day, Target announced “Target Deal Days”, also on July 15 & 16. In Target’s case, the big deal is that the checkout registers will actually work.

The International Olympic Committee voted in favor of a proposal to make break dancing an Olympic sport at the 2024 Paris games. Hollywood immediately began casting Breakin’ 6: Olympic Boogaloo.

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104-year-old Australian scientist David Goodall, who’d raised $20,000 to travel to Switzerland to end his life via assisted suicide, died Thursday. Goodall ended his life while listening to Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ – he’d wanted to die listening to Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, but ran out of skips on Spotify Basic.

South Georgia Island near Antarctica, a haven for seabirds that had been infested by non-native rats, has been declared ‘rat free’ in what’s being called the largest rat eradication effort in history, using 13 tons of poison. Scientists believe the only chance for a bigger rat eradication will be in 2020, if the Trump Administration is voted out of Washington.

Donald Trump Jr., soon to be divorced from wife Vanessa, is dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle. Guilfoyle co-hosts Fox News’ ‘The Five’; Trump Jr. has stated his desire to appear on the show, despite only having a Four And A Half.

The South Carolina Department of Natural Resources asked its social media followers to identify a fish that has human-like teeth.  “Why don’t they just ask me?’ wondered Captain Salty the Sea Dentist.

Doctors are warning patients not to wear spandex leggings and yoga pants during MRI procedures, since they may contain metallic threads that could cause burns. They also warn of creepy MRI technicians who share this information in the context of offering women free Butt MRIs.

50 Cent announced that he’s leaving Instagram and going back to Twitter, because they (Instagram) “take shit down off my page with out notifying me. #censorthesenuts” Instagram was then besieged with complaints from 50’s followers – angry that they couldn’t see the photo of his nuts.

The New York Mets lost 2-1 to the Cincinnati Reds in a game where the Mets were penalized for batting out of order in the first inning. Mets Manager Mickey Callaway took the blame for the error, saying he was busy talking to one of the player’s cute mom to see if she could join the team when they went out for pizza after the game.

Ivanka Trump and Melania Trump wore almost identical dresses to President Trump’s signing ceremony for an Executive Order promoting hiring military spouses. The President said they both looked great and couldn’t decide which of them to have sex with first.

Four Danish men in their 20s have started ‘Organic Basics’, a line of underwear that you can wear for weeks without washing, because silver threads kill 99.9% of all bacteria. 2-packs of men’s briefs cost $64 and 2-packs of women’s thongs cost $56. They’ve sold 200,000 units to rich, gross people who never have sex.

L Brands, owner of Victoria’s Secret, is the worst performing stock in the S&P 500 this year, with shares down 50% – and no sign that a push-up is coming anytime soon.

 

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An elderly couple with 60 lbs of marijuana told arresting officers that the weed was for Xmas gifts. “Better let Santa take care of it, then!”, said a white-bearded obese cop before the evidence vanished.

The original Papa John, John Schnatter, is out as company CEO. He’ll be replaced by the COO, who promises to do just as good a job kissing Peyton Manning’s ass.

Darryl Strawberry said that he had sex during Mets games. Usually after both he and Lenny Dykstra had struck out.

A hotel charged guests $350 after they left bad online reviews, so the Indiana state Attorney General is suing on their behalf. Motel 6, we’ll leave the grudge on for you.

Mark Hamill, displeased with his character’s storyline in The Last Jedi, said of it “He’s not my Luke Skywalker”. Replied Disney CEO Robert Iger “He sure isn’t!” before placing a Storm Trooper helmet on his naked body and rolling around in his multi-million dollar Xmas bonus.

The United Nations imposed new sanctions on North Korea for their repeated tests of nuclear missiles. The rules include cutbacks on refined oil imports and reduced imports of other goods. The U.N. rejected U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley’s suggestion of “no Playstation for a week”, while noting her comment that it always gets her kids’ attention.

Apple admitted to slowing down the performance of older iPhones to match degradation in battery life. Apple is being sued by several groups, including a group of iPhone 5 owners who say the Pokemon just expose themselves and give them the finger, knowing they’ll never be caught.

A winter storm is expected to move eastward and snarl land and air traffic on Christmas Eve; creating a lot of anxiety in the wake of Rudolph’s suspension for inappropriate contact with Clarice.

U.S. Border Patrol agents are furious after finding out that they unwittingly provided security for the wedding of a convicted U.S. citizen drug smuggler to his Mexican bride. Agents became suspicious when she was ‘given away’ by El Chapo, and when guests showered the newlyweds in crystal meth.

Vice President Mike Pence made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. He called his wife back home, and she reportedly expressed concern that the women there were showing a lot of eyehole.