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Historians have traced the romantic act of kissing on the lips as far back as 4,500 years, which is also when they discovery date of the first-ever Friend Zone.

The White House briefed lawmakers on a ‘serious national security threat’ related to Russia. They wouldn’t provide specifics, but said the threat probably had a Big Mac and Diet Coke for lunch before it went golfing.

Singles are reportedly sick of dating apps, and are increasingly attending in-person singles mixers to find partners. For their part, Tinder and Grindr say the “singles mixers” they help set up are still going strong.

The inventor of Pop-Tarts has died. He chose not to be cremated, but lightly browned.

Waymo, the self-driving car division of Google, recalled software after two of its vehicles struck the same truck. The truck had apparently cut them both off, spurring robot rage.

A sinkhole in Wilmington, Delaware partiallly swallowed a United States Postal Service truck. Fortunately, the rats living beneath the street were able to retrieve their Priority Mail packages themselves.

Two moms who work at McDonald’s are suing, because they say their break time is insufficient to pump breast milk, and that there’s no private place to do it. They also say they’re tired of managers suggesting they put any extra in the McFlurry machine.

A former Penn State University professor who’d already been arrested for having sex with his pet collie was arrested again for nudity in a public park with a tree branch and a Tootsie Pop in his rectum. Meanwhile, the collie just wants to move on with her life.

Rachel Dolezal, a white woman who famously identified as black, was fired from an elementary school teaching job over her OnlyFans account. She’s also confusing the OnlyFans customers who find her in the Ebony section.

The U.S. Government is looking to sell the seized $300 million yacht of a Russian oligarch because it costs $600,000 per month to maintain – including cleaning, marina rental, and feeding 200 prostitutes.

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A Colorado daycare owner was sentenced to six years in prison for hiding 26 children behind a wall in the facility’s basement. She also lost her contract with Apple to manufacture iPads.

Kellogg’s faces a $5 million lawsuit for not having enough strawberries in their Pop-Tarts filling. The lawsuit dates back several years, to when the five-year-old plaintiff first tried hiring a lawyer.

Wildlife officials in Colombia have begun chemically sterilizing “cocaine hippos” that once belonged to drug lord Pablo Escobar in his private zoo, because their mating is out of control, and because several zookeepers have died trying to apply giant condoms.

Brian Laundrie’s autopsy came back “inconclusive” for a cause of death. Laundrie’s body will reportedly be studied by an anthropologist, while police look for clues in Yelp! reviews left by alligators who ate at the Carlton Reserve where he was found.

Car rental agency Hertz says it will buy 100,000 Tesla electric cars as part of a plan to switch its entire fleet to electric vehicles, then gouge customers when they return to the airport late for their flight with the battery half-charged.

A Georgia business owner is accused of using $57,000 from an $80,00 federal pandemic relief loan to buy a Pokemon card – then using the remaining money to buy vintage Capri Suns to sip while playing.

The Facebook Papers – leaked documents from whistleblower Frances Haugen – are shedding light on Facebook’s role in the January 6th riots. Although Facebook denies this, saying Events always have thousands of people Interested who never show up.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis is offering $5,000 bonuses for anti-vax cops from other states to come work there. Further, he’s offering Democrats bonuses to move there and give the new hires someone to shoot at.

Flight attendants of defunct Italian airline Alitalia staged a public protest, stripping down to their undergarments to protest a loss of work. Alitalia flight attendants removing their clothes was, up until then, a perk only given to Platinum Elite passengers.

Burglars reportedly broke into Jeremy Piven’s Hollywood home, stealing clothes valued at $20,000 and his standup comedy notebooks, valued at nothing.