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A Southwest Airlines flight attendant suffered a broken back after a hard landing on a flight to California. She fell off the sink while in the lavatory with a copilot.

A police lieutenant in a Philadelphia suburb is accused of providing answers for an oral exam to a prospective police cadet. The lieutenant denies it, and adds the answers aren’t hard, including “shoot the guy”; “where’s my bribe?” and “jelly donuts”.

The Wall Street Journal reports that the FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago was prompted by a confidential informant, known only as Deep Slovenian Throat.

Disney+ is raising its monthly rates for ad-free content, despite an injunction filed to halt it from She-Hulk Attorney At Law.

Major League Baseball – whose rules prohibit in-game use of electronics – is investigating Pittsburgh Pirates second baseman Rodolfo Castro, whose cellphone fell out of his pocket as he slid into third base. The Tinder match on Castro’s screen also asked when he’d be sliding into third base.

Kevin Federline said his two sons with Britney Spears are choosing not to spend time with her because of her steady stream of nude Instagram photos. They prefer to stay with Federline, confident that they, along with everyone else, will never see him nude.

After 10 years off store shelves, General Mills is reintroducing Count Chocula, Frankenberry & Boo Berry – the Monsters Of Childhood Obesity.

Moderna’s CEO said he expects their COVID vaccine to evolve “like an iPhone”. Meaning old people will get a new one every six years.

Marguerite Koller, 99, of Blue Bell, Pennsylvania recently celebrated the arrival of her 100th great-grandchild. Unfortunately, Koller’s right hand is now paralyzed from writing so many five-dollar checks for birthday cards.

Investigators determined a foul stench in Paulsboro, New Jersey was from a truck releasing fumes from a fuel additive. They can now turn their attention to the foul stench of sunbathers along the Jersey Shore.

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A bullet struck a Comcast headquarters building in downtown Philadelphia, shattering a window. Police narrowed the suspect list to about 30 million Comcast customers.

Caesars Palace will not be hosting Adele’s residency in 2022. A spokesperson for the venue said “dude, you’re not gettin’ Adele”.

The Duffer Brothers, creators of Stranger Things, warn that Season 4 “will not have a happy ending.” This, despite Hawkins Massage parlor opening in the Upside Down.

Ugandan Mariem Nabatanzi holds the record for most children, having given birth to 44 kids by the time she turned 40. She is currently single, and also holds the record for the world’s most effective Tinder profile.

A Texas school district banned skirts & dresses for girls after fifth grade, saying it promotes professionalism. Shorts are still acceptable, so students can prepare for their professoinal careers at Hooters.

Roe v Wade was officially overturned. Planned Parenthood used the occasion to announce its new Travel department.

A University of Georgia study finds 75% of teens aren’t getting enough exercise, but they’ll give it a try after they watch enough Tik Tok videos to get the hang of it.

Actress Denise Richards joined Only Fans one week after her 18-year-old daughter Sami Sheen did. They can be found in the new Family section.

DALL-E 2, the world’s most advanced artificial intelligence, made its magazine cover debut on the front of Cosmopolitan. Boyfriends looking at it think the artificial intelligence needs bigger artificial breasts.

LA Guns guitarist Tracii Guns played his band’s entire set in Plano Texas from an air conditioned bathroom stall behind the stage, because high heat triggers his panic disorder. Critics said LA Guns live show is now in the toilet like the rest of their career.

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Customers are suing Burger King, claiming the meat in their Whopper isn’t as big as it appears in promotional photos. The customers say they got the idea from people lodging similar complaints on Grindr.

For a single day last week, wind turbines provided more electricity than coal & nuclear power combined in the United States. Unfortunately, thousands of the homes powered by the turbines were destroyed in the tornados.

In a new poll, 63% of Americans say Russian President Vladimir Putin “cannot remain in power”. In the same poll, 100% of Americans say they “don’t plan on doing anything about it”.

15-year-old Anna Leigh Waters is the youngest Pickleball champion in the U.S., having won five doubles titles with her mother, and splitting $25 in prize money.

The United States expanded sanctions against Russia, freezing the assets of Vladimir Putin’s two daughters. “Buddy, why didn’t you tell me you had daughters?” asked Donald Trump.

Cracker Jack will begin selling Cracker Jill. There are no nuts, and Jill keeps asking to exchange the prize in them.

Parents unplugged the Ring security camera in their 3-year-old boy’s bedroom after he claimed a voice from it asked him if he wants ice cream. Before being unplugged, the voice said it owed the kid ice cream because he danced naked like he’d been asked to.

April 7th is both National Burrito Day and National Beer Day. April 8th is unofficially National Sexual Abstinence Day, which officially starts after dinner on April 7th.

Google now lets users combine text and images when conducting online searches. So far, the top search query is clothed photos with the text ‘do you have this, only naked?’

Kenan Thompson and his wife are divorcing, but are not commenting about What’s Up With That?

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Producers of The Oscars telecast controversially announced multiple technical awards will not be presented on air, to allow more time for co-host Amy Schumer to tell jokes that she stole.

A hostage standoff at an Apple Store in Amsterdam ended with the hostage fleeing to safety and the captor dying after being hit by a police car. The store will remain closed for a day, then reopen with the hostage still fourth in line at the Genius Bar.

A teen boy collected a $1,800 reward offered by his mother for staying off social media for six years. Then he downloaded Tinder and saw his mother.

Tom Brady will produce and star in ‘80 For Brady‘ – featuring Jane Fonda, Sally Field, Rita Moreno & Lily Tomlin – about four older women who attend the 2017 Super Bowl. Robert Kraft is also making a movie and cast two unknown 50-year-old Asian women.

A female professional clown said her Tinder profile was removed because she wore clown makeup in her profile photos. Tinder officials disputed her claim, saying it wasn’t the makeup, it was a video of her lifting her arms and her pants falling down. [Story h/t to J.K.]

Russia invaded Ukraine – leading to an increase in the price of oil, consumer products and, for some reason, your Comcast/Xfinity bill.

Los Angeles’ $1.2 billion program to build housing for the homeless is resulting in a $837,000 cost to house a single homeless person. Even more incredible, the homeless person is then flipping the house for $950,000.

Kim Kardashian asked a judge for an acceleration of her divorce, saying estranged husband Kanye West’s social media posts are causing her “emotional distress” that she “can’t make money from”.

In a new documentary, deceased comedian Jerry Lewis is accused of sexual harassment by two past female costars, claiming he pressed his doyyynkkk against their voyvinnnnggg!

A neurosurgeon’s recording of an 87-year-old man’s dying brain activity is reinforcing the belief that “life flashes before your eyes” before death – or, at least, the parts with nudity.

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A 7-year-old boy in Perkasie, Pennsylvania found a cache of hand grenades in his backyard. The boy is unharmed, but successfully negotiated three straight nights of ice cream for dinner.

The Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission, which no longer uses human toll-takers, said their system of billing users by scanning license plates has left them with over $100 million in unpaid tolls, over $30,000 from a vehicle known only as FAK-PLAT.

New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez attended the Met Gala in a white floor-length gown with the phrase TAX THE RICH in red letters on the back. Fashion experts said the gown was exquisite, and her ass looked RICH.

Gay rapper Lil Nas X also attended the Met Gala, then left to attend an orgy, the Meat Gala.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is reportedly quarantining after several cases of COVID-19 broke out in his entourage. Meanwhile, Putin’s COVID-positive associates are being treated with bullets.

Tanya Fear, a British actress who appeared in the series ‘Doctor Who‘, has been found after being reported missing in Los Angeles. Los Angeles Police enlisted the help of Doctor Where.

A 22-year-old woman disappeared while on a cross-country trip with her boyfriend. She was last seen in person on August 23rd, and last seen online August 24th where she Tinder matched with a grizzly bear.

Rapper Blueface faces assault charges after violently attacking the doorman at a California club. The doorman was taken to an area hospital, where he is now known as Bruiseface.

Nicki Minaj was dragged on Twitter for a post claiming her cousin’s friend’s wedding was called off after he received the COVID vaccine and his testicles became swollen. Minaj reportedly had the vaccine in her buttocks and those got really big also.

Apple issued an Urgent Software Update to protect against a vulnerability in its iMessage platform – adding that the iOS download and install is the most important three hours you’ll spend today.

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OnlyFans is banning porn, and changing its name to FewerFans.

Britney Spears’ housekeeper alleges Britney took her phone and struck her in a dispute over the care of a dog. Britney disputes the claim, but the dog has been assigned a conservator.

Mike Richards announced he will not be the permanent host of Jeopardy! amidst scrutiny of his past behavior. Richards will continue as Executive Producer, and attempt to find a full-time female host with a decent rack.

As cases in the state surge, a Jacksonville, Florida library was converted to a COVID-19 treatment site. The head librarian said it was nice & quiet in there for a change.

A family of three and their dog were all found dead on a remote hiking trail in the Sierra National Forest near Yosemite. Officials are mystified as to cause of death, but took the opportunity to remind other families how much hiking sucks.

Malaysia has its third Prime Minister in 3 years. Malaysia is one of the few countries in the civilized world that selects its leader via a talent show.

An ad agency created a campaign using Tinder and Snapchat to encourage Gen-Z and millenials to get COVID-19 vaccines – and, just maybe, a no-strings hookup with a nurse.

South Korea’s Ministry of Culture declared the official Chinese name of kimchi – spicy, fermented vegetables – be changed to ‘xingi’, from ‘pao cai’. It provided sample sentences like “No xingi for me, because it smells like ass”.

Beyonce’s father, Mathew Knowles, shut down rumors of a Destiny’s Child reunion, saying his daughter can’t remember who the other two are any more.

A Goodwill thrift in Connectucut sold a sealed, unopened copy of 1986 Nintendo videogame ‘The Legend of Zelda’ for $411,000. The donor was thrilled to help, but disappointed that the used Wii console she donated only got twenty bucks.

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Applebee’s reduced its menu by 60% during the pandemic, but plans to keep it that way from now on. Applebee’s calls their new menu the Cliff Notes for the 410-page Cheesecake Factory menu.

Subway franchisees claim the chain’s new Fresh Melt melted-cheese sandwiches are too dangerous to make – that employees risk burns, and toasters are ruined. They’re less concerned about customers, saying if they eat at Subway, they already know the risks.

The NCAA is considering a plan allowing student athletes to make money off their name & likeness. Hearing this, a Division III field hockey player bought a Ferrari.

A ransomware attack shut down Colonial Pipeline, which supplies almost half the fuel to the East coast. The cyberattackers gave Colonial the choice of paying the ransom in Bitcoin, or convenience store gift cards.

A bride in India walked out on an arranged wedding when her husband-to-be could not recite the multiplication table of two correctly. The math challenge results came as a shock because he aced the spelling challenge preceding it.

Florida is experiencing a massive surge in COVID variants. Three nurses died attempting to vaccinate alligators.

Amanda Fletcher, a New York city private high school Spanish teacher, was recorded sucking a man’s nipple during a Zoom class – an incident described by her C students as hot, and by her A students as ‘muy caliente’.

Kentucky Derby winning horse Medina Spirit tested positive for steroids. The horse now risks suspension from Saturday’s Preakness Stakes, and Sunday’s Mr. Maryland Bodybuilding Championship.

Donald Trump called Medina Spirit a ‘junky’ , adding the horse’s drug use was indicative of the USA’s other problems, including immigration and election fraud. Medina Spirit clapped = or, clomped – back, saying he’s not a drug abuser, and that he only cast one vote for Joe Biden.

A four-year-old hacked his mother’s Amazon Prime account and ordered 51 boxes of SpongeBob Squarepants popsicles. She also blames the child for a vibrator order, which he denies.

Tinder warned potential ‘catfishers’ not to pose as Bill Gates to trick unsuspecting women. Tinder says they have ‘serious tools’ to ensure fake Gates accounts are removed – including comparison against an authenticated photo of Bill Gates’ penis.

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Heavyweight boxer Andy Ruiz defeated Chris Arreola Saturday night, via a 12-round unanimous decision. Ruiz delivered more punches to an Arreola than Ronda Rousey did in her entire career.

A SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule made the first nighttime splashdown carrying U.S. astronauts since 1968. Police were called to the residence of a terrified homeowner to assist getting them out of his pool.

The NFL Draft concluded, with over 12 hours of live coverage spanning three days. To satisfy fans’ need to see names and pictures of athletes they’ve never heard of, this weekend Lifetime will air three days of 32 hot women picking men on Tinder.

A 39-year-old Colorado woman walking her two dogs was attacked and killed by a bear. The two dogs survived and called their owner “not as fast as us”.

Budweiser is offering a free beer to anyone providing proof of COVID-19 vaccination. Budweiser is also the Official Beer of COVID-19 Victims who lost their senses of taste & smell.

Medina Spirit won the Kentucky Derby, finishing ahead of socially-distanced second-place Mandaloun.

The CDC is claiming anxiety, not the contents of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine, caused adverse reactions to recipients. They cited dozens of anxious people who suffered blood clots watching ‘Godzilla vs Kong’.

A dozen people were injured when an outdoor deck collapsed as 40 people posed for a photo at Tennessee’s Soddy Daisy restaurant. 28 people asked if they could take the picture again.

Dcorey Johnson, a 3rd grader at a Louisville elementary school, is a viral sensation thanks to his singing the Star Spangled Banner during morning announcements. However, a dozen kindergartners are kneeling during the anthem to protest the lousy food at snack time.

Max Hodak, co-founder of brain-implant company Neuralink, resigned from the company. Then the other co-founder, Elon Musk, flipped a switch and Hodak changed his mind.

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Tinder is introducing Background Checks to increase dating safety. They’ll check for violence, restraining orders, arrests and convictions, but added that you shouldn’t worry about any of that stuff if you’re hot enough.

A viral video shows a cat successfully opening a door using a doorknob. What’s even more impressive – and sad – is the mouse who thought it was safe after it pushed the door closed.

The Internal Revenue Service launched the Get My Payment site for eligible U.S. residents to track their $1,400 stimulus payments. The IRS is partnering with Amazon on a link to their site, Blow My Payment.

A day care center in South Philadelphia was hit by a Molotov cocktail. No one was hurt despite multiple South Philly toddlers returning gunfire.

Moderna has begun tests of their COVID-19 vaccine in children. It’s 100% effective making them shriek and cry.

A fireworks explosion in a commercial building in Ontario, California killed two people and resulted in the evacuation of three neighboring blocks. It was ruled an accident because nobody heard ‘Stars & Stripes Forever’.

California Senator Dianne Feinstein, 87, said Tuesday that she intends to serve her full term, by which she meant Tuesday.

The National Hockey League Buffalo Sabres lost their 12th consecutive game and fired head coach Ralph Krueger. He’ll be replaced on an interim basis by a calculator to record how long the streak keeps going.

A woman dumped her boyfriend after seeing him kiss a different woman on a Ring doorbell – just another example of someone watching someone else steal their package.

Scientists from the University of Oslo say one side of the Earth’s interior is losing heat much faster than the other side. “See?!” said a woman holding a copy of the study while adjusting the thermostat.

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Madonna turned 62 – but may wait the extra five years before collecting Social Security.

Greenland’s ice shelf has melted to the point where it now looks like Iceland.

A woman slapped an American Airlines gate agent after refusing to wear a face mask. She’s been banned for life from American Airlines, and welcomed with open arms on Spirit Airlines.

Donald Trump’s younger brother, Robert, passed away at a hospital in New York City. Donald visited him on Saturday to collect his absentee ballot before he went golfing.

Walmart is converting its parking lots into free drive-in movie theaters, at least until someone shoplifts the movies.

Scientists are concerned that air conditioning systems may be spreading coronavirus. Not cool.

A Catholic priest in Malawi reportedly impregnated 30 nuns. Everyone involved said it was “all-in-all, a pretty memorable Easter weekend”.

Japanese scientists discovered a new breed of worm. They plan to show it to the general public in weird Japanese porno movies.

A Tokyo architect created public restrooms with transparent walls. They’re free to use, and 1,000 yen to watch.

A home listed for sale at $350,000 in Fayette, Missouri has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a 9-cell jail in the basement. The seller is ‘a guy who’s been banned for life from Tinder’.