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TBS host Samantha Bee is facing criticism for calling Ivanka Trump a “feckless c*nt” – while liberals scramble to look up the meaning of “feckless”.

A deadly E.coli outbreak tied to romaine lettuce has passed, and prices for romaine have dropped by more than half while growers are losing millions of dollars. The only lettuce with year-over-year sales growth is butter lettuce, which faces its own backlash from obese dieters over its misleading name.

Brett Bland, a fired car salesman in Texas is suing his former dealership, saying his boss repeatedly pinched his nipples and forced him to breathe ‘soiled air’ after farting in his office with the door closed. Bland is seeking unspecified damages against his former employer, Junior High Locker Room Acura.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly returning $9 million worth of wedding gifts. Per royal protocol, they are not allowed to keep any of them, especially not the PlayStation that Harry had squirreled away in the Princecave.

Meghan’s father, Thomas Markle, denied reports that his famous daughter is financially reporting him, although he admitted that the one time he reached out for money, she only had $5 in Deal Or No Deal briefcase.

Discount retailers Dollar General and Dollar Tree both posted disappointing earnings reports to Wall Street. Executives for each of the chains blamed the results on poor people.

Kim Kardashian West met with President Trump at the White House to discuss prison reform, including clemency for Alice Johnson, a non-violent drug offender serving a life sentence. Kardashian did not comment on rumors that the President said “I’ll free your Johnson if you’ll free mine.”

Trump said that the two had a great meeting, most of which he spent staring at the back of Kim’s skirt, or, as he calls it, the Oval Office.

Benje Choucroun, a 13-year-old writer from Time for Kids, asked press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders what the Trump administration was doing to help keep schools safe. Sanders answered the question, as Choucroun arrived back home to see a Tweet calling him a “diaper baby for the failing fake news Time for Kids.”

Andrew Tornetta, a man arrested for allegedly punching a Philadelphia police horse after a playoff game, is suing the police and the Philadelphia Eagles. Tornetta’s lawsuit claims cruel and unusual punishment, citing the 12 hours of community service he completed picking up trash while being force to wear an Eli Manning jersey.

Charlotte Fox, a 61-year-old lifelong mountain climber who survived a blizzard while climbing Mount Everest in the late 90s, died after an apparent fall down her stairs at home. First responders say she was not wearing her safety harness at the time.

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A pregnant inmate escaped police custody at a hospital in Rochester, New York, but was recaptured hours later. Police don’t know when her baby is due, but they requested a sonogram to determine whether the newborn will get a pink or blue ankle bracelet.

University hospital researchers in Dallas say that exercising just two or three days per week could be beneficial to heart health, with the exception of people too poor to own a car who walk to Popeye’s.

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation claims that the children’s movie ‘Show Dogs’ features scenes that normalize genital touching to its young audience, since a talking dog is taught to allow dog show judges to touch his genitals. Parents are being told to talk to their kids about predatory sexual behavior, and to not enter their children in dog shows.

Atlantic City, New Jersey reports that its casino earnings are “profitable, but shrinking.” Longtime Atlantic City prostitutes are using the same “profitable, but shrinking” phrase to describe the genitals of their aging clientele.

‘Dancing With The Stars’ crowned figure skater Adam Rippon its newest champion, stunning observers who doubted a gay male could succeed at both figure skating and ballroom dancing.

Jessica McCusker, tax clerk in a Philadelphia suburb, was charged with felony embezzlement for taking over $200,000 in property tax payments that residents made in cash. Officials say that cash payments for property taxes are no longer allowed, and must be made either by check, hoagies, or opioids.

Videos posted to Twitter show a Minnesota restaurant patron throwing a glass of water on Fox News Commentator Tomi Lahren, and Lahren melting.

Carson Meyer, a college hockey player for the University of Miami, suffered from loss of appetite, weight loss and fatigue, then went to the bathroom and found that he’d passed a two-foot-long tapeworm. Meyer has modified his diet to cut out raw fish, and the tapeworm was ejected for fighting to stay in his intestine.

According to the Federal Reserve’s ‘Report on the Economic Well-Being of Households in 2017’, 40 percent of adults don’t have the money to cover a $400 emergency expense. Mainly because they’re millennials whose parents don’t know how to Venmo them the 400 bucks.

The Centers for Disease Control gave the all-clear to eat romaine lettuce again, following a widespread E.coli outbreak. “Finally!” said hungry hamsters and guinea pigs.