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U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy claims loneliness is an epidemic that’s as dangerous to Americans’ health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Cigarette giant Altria doubled down on the report, introducing new Marlboro for Incels.

The Writers Guild of America went on strike, shutting down television & movie production. Writers are seeking better pay, a share of streaming revenues, and for artificial intelligence ChatGPT to be fired as head writer for ‘Young Sheldon‘.

Russia destroyed two drones flying near the Kremlin, then accused Ukraine of attempting to assassinate Vladimir Putin with them. Ukraine denied it, but admitted it was a pretty good idea.

Gwyneth Paltrow said Ben Affleck was “technically excellent” in bed. Affleck’s current wife, Jennifer Lopez, said she’ll see if Paltrow is right once she allows Affleck to touch her.

The Department of Labor found two 10-year-olds doing unpaid work at a McDonald’s restaurant in Louisville, Kentucky, sometimes as late as 2 a.m. A manager offered little comment, except to say they were given first crack at the Happy Meal toys.

Scientists have confirmed plastics in drinking water to be found in blood, organs, gastrointestinal systems, and brains. The bad news is, the plastics could shorten life spans; the good news is, our bodies may soon be disposable in recycling bins.

Jackson Mahomes – influencer, brother of superstar quarterback Patrick Mahomes, and known idiot – was arrested and jailed for sexual battery for forcibly attempting to kiss a female club owner. Jackson is expected to be an early-round selection in the County Jail Sexual Assault Draft.

Britain’s Royal Family gathered for the rehearsal of King Charles’ Coronation ceremony. “Cut!” yelled the rehearsal director – telling Prince Harry to leave.

The U.S. Navy hired an active-duty drag queen, Joshua Kelley aka Harpy Daniels, to serve as Digital Ambassador to attact new, diverse, recruits. In addition to standard age & physical fitness requirements, new enlistees will need to learn lyrics & choreography to Village People songs.

Kevin Costner’s wife of 18 years filed for divorce. The ‘Dances With Wolves‘ star is referenced in their prenuptial agreement as ‘Pays For Everything’.

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Apple virtual reality headset, the Reality Pro, will reportedly cost $3,000 and run thousands of existing iPad apps, until you bump your head and the screen cracks.

Jeff Shell, CEO of Comcast’s NBC Universal division, was terminated after having an inappropriate relationship with a female employee. Like many NBC shows, Shell was cancelled.

The estate of Marvin Gaye is suing Ed Sheeran, saying one of his songs bears striking similarity to Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On’. Jurors will listen to Sheeran’s song until they beg ‘Let’s Shut It Off’.

McDonald’s is adding white onions to their signature burger patties while they’re on the grill instead of afterward. They’re receiving hundreds of complaints from customers who don’t want onions, but still want high levels of sodium, fat & calories.

Fans of Dancing With The Stars mourned the loss of former judge Len Goodman, who passed away at age 78. Funeral arrangements will be announced just as soon as pallbearers learn a proper Foxtrot.

Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders is selling “Real Woman” beer can ‘koozies’, apparently in response to the Bud Light trans controversy. Huckabee Sanders wants to appear on the outside of beer cans, since her picture is already on cans of Alpo.

Bed Bath & Beyond filed for bankruptcy, as creditors refused to honor coupons for 20% off their debt.

Only 1 in 3 fourth graders in the U.S. was at or above reading proficiency according to the Department of Education. 2 out of 3, however, were absolutely killing it at Fortnite.

Caitlyn Jenner said trans influencer-slash-Bud Light promo partner Dylan Mulvaney is “fringe” and “not good” for the LGBT movement. Jenner said she has “nothing in common” with Mulvaney, although even casual observers assume there’s at least one thing they both have.

Prince Harry will attend King Charles’ coronation, but will be placed ten rows back from other members of the Royal Family. Harry is reportedly furious at both the seat location, and the $80 in fees on top of the price of the seat at Ticketmaster.

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Elon Musk denied exposing himself to a flight attendant on a private jet. Musk explained that if it did happen, it was because he had left his penis on autopilot.

Coke announced they’ll tether plastic bottle caps to bottles in the UK so that the caps will be recycled. They won’t do it in the U.S., after research found that small sea turtles like wearing the caps as hats.

Poison drummer Rikki Rockett announced he’s cancer-free ahead of the group’s summer Stadium Tour with Motley Crue & Def Leppard. Rockett also announced he’s free of roughly half of the 30 STDs he’s carried around since the late 80s.

Rihanna gave birth to a baby boy. The baby arrived, and began crying, but like his Mom, couldn’t really hold the note.

Tiger Woods shot a four-over-par opening round at the PGA Champiionship, saying his surgically repaired leg hurts. He planned to receive physical therapy prior to the second round as soon as he finds the right hostess at TGI Friday’s.

Scientists are baffled by the outbreaks of monkeypox in Europe and the U.S. Also baffled?…monkeys coming down with chickenpox.

Google partnered with pesticide Off to launch a tool that predicts mosquito populations in your area. The tool already faces criticism from mosquitos, angry that Google is sharing their location data without permission.

Prince William and Kate Middleton attended the London premiere of Top Gun: Maverick with star Tom Cruise. No sign of Prince Harry, who William repeatedly referred to as ‘Goose’.

Bob Mackie, who designed the Marilyn Monroe dress that Kim Kardashian borrowed and wore to this year’s Met Gala, said it was a mistake letting her wear it. He added it was also a mistake letting her eat Taco Bell while she did.

The St Louis Zoo announced the birth of critically endangered Amur leopard cubs. Zoo officials said they’re glad the cats aren’t black, because that would make them even more endangered in St. Louis.

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Elon Musk confirmed that some monkeys died while testing his Neuralink brain-implant chips. Although the monkey’s surviving mates believe they were murdered because the chips made them smarter than Elon Musk.

Joe Biden is expected to nominate Ketanji Brown Jackson as the first black woman Supreme Court justice. Jackson, in turn, is expected to nominate Biden as the first old white dude at her cookout.

Dancing With The Stars professional Cheryl Burke filed for divorce from husband Matthew Lawrence, citing irreconcilable differences, and the two being out-of-step.

Aaron Rodgers was seen with Shailene Woodley. Though no longer engaged, the two remain Friends With Huddles.

India banned 54 Chinese smartphone apps over security concerns, including TikTok. Indian officials say if citizens want to watch housewives sing and dance, they can watch Bollywood movies.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle say they stand with the people of Ukraine…in the backyard of their California mansion.

John Mayer tested positive for COVID-19. Several groupies have bodies that are a wonderland, but can’t taste or smell.

New strains of bird flu have been detected in the U.S., reinforcing the misguided beliefs of Southern U.S. COVID deniers who say vaccines & masks are “for the birds”.

Hank The Tank, a 500-pound black bear blamed for dozens of home break-ins in the California mountains, may not be at fault based on DNA evidence collected by wildlife officials, and by raccoons who have been granted immunity for their testimony.

The View’s Joy Behar said on the show she’s worried the Russian invasion of Ukraine might impact her Italian vacation. Whoopi Goldberg then tagged Behar on her way out of suspension, as Behar tags in.

Sharon Osbourne, who was fired from her own daytime show, The Talk, said she would never go back because producing network CBS “sucks big-time d**k”. She was accompanied by husband Ozzy, who’s now interested in CBS.

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Meghan Markle & Prince Harry will appear at Saturday’s Global Citizen festival to defend the planet and defeat poverty. Since they’re showing up, it’s now called the Global Better-Than-You-Normal-Citizens festival.

The United States death toll – 675,000 Americans & counting – from COVID-19 just surpassed the deaths from the 1918 Spanish Flu. “F*ck” .. was the last word of a 105-year-old who retires with a record of 1-1 against the two viruses.

“Actress” Nicole Richie accidentally set her hair on fire while blowing out candles celebrating her 40th birthday. The fire briefly spread to her pants and she admitted she’s 47.

Cassandra Peterson – better known as Elvira, Mistress of the Dark – says in her new autobiography that she’s been in a same-sex relationship with a woman for 19 years. Though she admits the relationship is open and allows her to bang werewolves during a full moon.

The cinema remake of Broadway hit ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ received mostly negative reviews, many centering on 27-year-old Ben Platt playing the title high-school character. A sequel is planned, ‘Evan Hansen Gets His GED’.

Disney CEO Bob Chiapek praised Disney’s Park Pass Reservation System as the “backbone” of their theme park operation. He then praised overpriced day passes as the “arm and a leg” that sucker families append to that backbone.

Talk show host James Corden faces criticism for his comments regarding Korean boy-band BTS’ appearance at the United Nations, saying it was unusual because their fanbase is mostly 15-year-old girls. U.N. ambassadors from Iraq and Afghanistan said some of their wives are 15-year-old girls.

African airlines are converting passenger jets to cargo carriers because they can make more money. That, and Air Ethiopia is tired of hearing passengers complain that they’re starving.

A magnitude 5.9 earthquake hit Melbourne, Australia, as parents scrambled to retrieve their joeys and put them back in pouches.

The Rolling Stones played their first concert since the death of drummer Charlie Watts, a private concert for New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft. The Stones hired new drummer Steve Jordan to beat the skins, and Kraft found a new massage therapist to do the same.

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Disneyland’s Avengers Campus opens this week. Admission is only available if you’re contacted by a bald, tough-talking, one-eyed black guy.

A 17-year-old girl was captured on video shoving a large bear off her backyard fence as the bear squared off with her family’s dogs. The bear left, but is biding its time until she’s sunbathing alone in the yard.

JBS, a company that supplies one-fifth of the world with meat, is the latest victim of a ransomware attack. It’s unclear if the meat processor will pay up, but for now, they’re facing off with the attackers in a high-stakes game of chicken.

Elon Musk blamed Tesla auto price increases on “raw materials issues”. Specifically, he needs money from car sales to buy raw materials to rebuild SpaceX rockets that keep blowing up.

Space junk crashed into the International Space Station, breaking a robotic arm. The robotic arm was repaired, but then an astronaut was hit by space junk walking out to sign the cast.

The Biden administration terminated oil drilling contracts in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Environmentalists praised the move, but it also results in the loss of hundreds of good jobs for seals working on oil rigs.

Motley Crue’s Vince Neil had to cut short a solo gig at the Boone River Valley Festival in Iowa because his voice was shot. Worse, his voice failed saying “How’s everybody doing tonight?”

56-year-old supermodel Paulina Porizkova said her beauty regimen involves lasers, and “treatments…where you don’t look like you’ve been mauled by a bear”. Porizkova is facing a defamation lawsuit from the bear that used to do her makeup.

‘Very old’ human remains were found near Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s California estate by landscaping crews doing excavation work. Harry explained that some relatives were in town visiting.

N’Sync’s Lance Bass and husband Michael Turchin are expecting twins. Currently their genders are male and female, but the couple said they’ll accept them even if they’re bi bi bi.

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Actress Leah Remini, 50, shared her acceptance letter into a general studies program at NYU. Her ‘King Of Queens’ costar, Kevin James, shared the letter adding him to the waitlist at Strayer University.

Amazon is shutting down its Prime Now service, and moving its “ultrafast” premium deliveries to its regular Prime. So go ahead and order those necessities that you absolutely have to have in about five days.

Kylie Jenner and baby-daddy Travis Scott announced they’re back together as a couple, but in an ‘open relationship’ – also known as Parents With Benefits.

Kim Kardashian revealed on ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ that her daughter, Saint, had COVID-19, which surprised Kim because Saint wears an avocado mask most mornings.

Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry debuted their new Apple+ show, ‘The Me You Can’t See’ – where celebrities discuss mental health challenges and traumas that can only be properly addressed by a guy born into royal wealth and a billionaire.

The driver of a Japanese bullet train is in trouble for taking a three minute bathroom break while the train traveled at 90 mph with 160 passengers on board. He said he only did so after trying to piss out a window, but it kept blowing back onto him.

A new Utah law mandates autism awareness training for police officers. Cops are now required to identify non-violent suspects as autistic before shooting and pummeling them.

Investigators added a new name to the subpoena in the probe of Congressman Matt Gaetz. However, for privacy purposes, the person is only identified as ‘Knockers’.

A future bride’s demands to her bridesmaids – including dropping dress sizes to at least a size 8, and donating $500 for the honeymoon – went viral. The groomsmen only demanded that the bridesmaids drop their dresses after the reception.

A judge in Spain refused to marry a couple when the groom arrived for the ceremony wearing a Jack Sparrow costume. And because he was drunk. And Johnny Depp.

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Four grey whales were found dead in the San Francisco Bay over the course of nine days. Investigators suspect a serial shark.

Three elderly females in India were accidentally given rabies vaccines instead of COVID-19 vaccines. They didn’t mind because they’re 75-year-old raccoons.

Taylor Swift released a rerecorded version of her 2008 album, ‘Fearless’ – her first rerelease since the rights to her early work were sold without her authorization. In order to recapture the feeling of 2008, she asked John Mayer to dump her again.

NFL QB Deshaun Watson – facing 22 accusations of sexual harassment – said he had sex with massage therapists, but it was consensual. Teammates have remained mostly silent, except for asking Watson for the phone numbers of his massage therapists.

‘My Pillow Guy’ Mike Lindell said he hired a private investigator to find out why he’s not allowed to appear on Fox News. The p.i. made one three-minute phone call, told Lindell, “because they know you’re nuts”, then sent him a bill.

Wine makers in France are starting fires in their vineyards to avoid a freeze during a cold snap. They’re hoping to avoid a wine shortage, or maybe start a new trend of drinking warm grape juice.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s family launched a website defending her reputation. It’s called Only Fans of Human Traffickers.

Oprah is fully vaccinated and plans on throwing a big taco party to celebrate. If you’re fully vaccinated and live near Oprah, you’re still not invited.

A 25-year-old caregiver at an assisted living facility accidentally shot a 71-year-old resident in the face with his new Glock handgun. Until further notice, the facility has postponed employee show-&-tell.

Prince Harry will attend the funeral of his grandfather, Prince Philip, but his pregnant wife Meghan Markle was told not to travel by her doctor..and the Queen..and her in-laws…and the general population of England.

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Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh and husband of Queen Elizabeth, died at age 99. Prince Harry & Meghan Markle asked for privacy during this difficult time until they can schedule interviews about it.

Amazon warehouse workers in Bessemer, Alabama appear to have voted not to unionize. To celebrate, billionaire Jeff Bezos will give all the workers new pee bottles, and a pizza party where they’ll be served by the robots that will eventually fire them.

Facebook is testing labels on Pages created by people & organizations. So far, the labels include ‘fan page’, ‘satire page’, & ‘public official’ – but could expand to include ‘abandoned page’, ‘conspiracy kook page’ and ‘page Trump is using to dodge his ban’.

Apple is reportedly delaying some new product introductions because of a supply shortage – specifically, a shortage of teenagers to build them.

Singer Chris Brown’s Porsche was damaged in a chain-reaction collision of valet-parked cars outside of an L.A. club. Brown dismissed the accident, saying “I’ve got ten of these (cars)” before summoning an Uber driver he could punch in the face.

A billboard, ‘Matt Gaetz Wants To Date Your Child’, was put up in Florida – paid for by Matt Gaetz.

Khloe Kardashian, who attempted to get an unauthorized, unretouched bikini photo take off the Internet, posted her own unedited photo to Instagram. “Not bad” said her boyfriend Tristan Thompson, while in bed with some woman he hooked up with.

Gene Suellentrop, a Kansas GOP State Senator, reportedly called the arresting officer ‘donut boy’ when he was pulled over on suspicion of DUI. Suellentrop disputed the claim, saying he was just asking directions to the nearest location of Donut Boy.

Japanese doctors performed the first-ever lung transplant from living donors to a COVID-19 patient. All are in stable condition, but the donors need extra time to catch their breath.

An interstate highway outside Philadelphia was closed when a tractor-trailer crashed, spilling thousands of gallons of syrup. Philadelphia police assisted first responders, then sat on guardrails and ate their shoes.

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A man stole a 400-pound playground slide and placed it next to the bunk bed in his child’s bedroom. The man was turned in by several six-year-olds who followed him home, insisting that they never got their turn.

Ex-presidents Obama, Bush, Clinton & Carter joined their wives in a public service announcement promoting the COVID-19 vaccine. Donald & Melania Trump declined, but said they’d do one for penicillin shots.

A Twitch streamer played classic video game Super Mario World using only his voice. He alternates between saying “run”, “jump”, and several swear words.

Scientists want to send 6.7 million sperm samples to the moon. The ones Neil Armstrong & Buzz Aldrin left there have finally run out.

Prince William responded to Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s interview, saying the Royals are very much not a racist family, forgoing the n-word to add “African-Brit please”.

A rare yellow cardinal was spotted in an Illinois backyard. The bird said if they gave him the fruit he asked for instead of sunflower seeds, his jaundice would go away.

Netflix is testing new limits on password sharing. So don’t expect your broke-ass buddies to be all caught up when Stranger Things comes back.

A sixth woman has accused New York Governor Andrew Cuomo of inappropriate touching or sexual harassment. His Italian grandmother is worried he STILL hasn’t found the right girl.

A cruise ship, the MSC Lirica, caught fire in Corfu, Greece, where it was awaiting passengers. None of the 51 crew members were injured, but the buffet menu was changed from offering steamed crab legs to smoked ones.

A worker at the Columbus Zoo was attacked by a cheetah while walking it for exercise. The worker, now released from the hospital, said he’ll be more open to the cheetah’s suggestions to walk faster.