Major League Baseball’s Milwaukee Brewers extended alcohol sales at home games until the end of the 8th inning because new MLB rules have made games shorter. Extending alcohol sales for one more inning allows fans to get behind the wheel while they’re still drunk.

Nick Cannon says parenting 11 children with multiple women doesn’t allow him to have a single life, since he barely has enough free time to make more kids.

The Biden Administration declared fentanyl laced with animal tranquilizer xylazine an “emerging threat”, requiring a coordinated government response in 90 days. So far, they’ve come up with buttons reading “Don’t Take Fentanyl & Xylazine”.

Low sex drive in men is being increasingly linked to a chemical imbalance, hypoactive sexual desire disorder, or HSDD. It’s also being linked to their wives and girlfriends spending 10 hours a day in flannel pajamas.

Elon Musk said he’s laid off about 80% of Twitter’s staff, or roughly 6,500 people. Musk also said he’s lost at least 6,500 followers.

The FDA approved an over-the-counter version of the emergency opioid antidote Narcan. The bad news is you probably can’t get to the drug store in time to reverse an overdose; the good news is it’s eligible for double CVS ExtraCare Reward points.

A man on a tour in Zimbabwe described how he survived being waist-deep in a hippo’s mouth after his canoe was upended. He was able to get the hippo to spit him out by pouring his Mountain Dew down its throat.

A New Jersey man who claims to be the “biggest advocate & supporter” of Jack Daniels burned merchandise and hundreds of dollars worth of whiskey over their use of drag queens in advertising. Hours later he woke up hungover and wondering what happened to his Jack Daniels merchandise & whiskey.

Following his financial fraud indictment for hush money payments to a porn star, Donald Trump is asking for a delay in a different case accusing him of sexual assault. He cites difficulty finding lawyers who will work in exchange for free rounds of golf.

Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders is requiring applicants for positions in the state to write 500-word essays detailing what they admire from her leadership. Since this is Arkansas, the essay requirement is expected to be reduced to two words.

Facebook parent company Meta announced the termination of 11,000 employees. Remaining employees are on edge, having noticed that their responses to the company Holiday party were changed from ‘Going’ to ‘Maybe’.

Democrat Josh Shapiro won the race for Governor of Pennsylvania over bus-trip insurrectionist Republican Doug Mastriano. Unbowed, Mastriano announced that he will enact legislation banning abortions among his wife and kids.

An inscription carved on a 3,700-year-old ivory lice comb is the longest sentence written in an alphabet, according to researchers. Translated, it reads ‘May this tusk root out the lice of the hair and the beard.’ It was found next to a tablet inscribed with the sentence ‘and maybe take a bath you filthy lice-infested slob’.

Jennifer Lopez told Vogue magazine she has an “amazing” co-parenting relationship with Ben Affleck’s ex, Jennifer Garner over their three children, claiming her “amazing” team of au pairs is able to keep the kids from getting anywhere near her.

Former Trump White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be the next Governor of Arkansas. Her predecessor, Sean Spicer, will be the next Governor of an Elks Club lodge in suburban Virginia.

Jennifer Aniston said she tried in vitro fertilization, but was unsuccessful because the sperm kept dumping her eggs.

Twitter is changing course and adding a new Gray ‘Official’ check mark to verify certain individuals, in addition to the Blue check that users can pay for. They’re also adding a Black check mark to Donald Trump’s account to indicate he’s still banned.

An 8-year-old boy in the remote Pandarpadh village of India bit and killed a venomous cobra that attacked him and bit his arm. The boy was treated with antivenom and released, and the cobra was treated with chimichurri sauce and eaten.

A doctor attending the American Association of Hip & Knee Surgeons Annual Convention broke the Guinness World Record by assembling the bones of the leg in 78 seconds. He did it on the third try, and the first two will likely need wheelchairs.

A TikTok artist entombed a bag of Flamin Hot Cheetos in a 3,000 pound concrete sarcophagus. He plans to periodically exhume it to see how long it takes the Cheetos to melt an ulcer in the concrete.