Facebook parent company Meta announced the termination of 11,000 employees. Remaining employees are on edge, having noticed that their responses to the company Holiday party were changed from ‘Going’ to ‘Maybe’.

Democrat Josh Shapiro won the race for Governor of Pennsylvania over bus-trip insurrectionist Republican Doug Mastriano. Unbowed, Mastriano announced that he will enact legislation banning abortions among his wife and kids.

An inscription carved on a 3,700-year-old ivory lice comb is the longest sentence written in an alphabet, according to researchers. Translated, it reads ‘May this tusk root out the lice of the hair and the beard.’ It was found next to a tablet inscribed with the sentence ‘and maybe take a bath you filthy lice-infested slob’.

Jennifer Lopez told Vogue magazine she has an “amazing” co-parenting relationship with Ben Affleck’s ex, Jennifer Garner over their three children, claiming her “amazing” team of au pairs is able to keep the kids from getting anywhere near her.

Former Trump White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be the next Governor of Arkansas. Her predecessor, Sean Spicer, will be the next Governor of an Elks Club lodge in suburban Virginia.

Jennifer Aniston said she tried in vitro fertilization, but was unsuccessful because the sperm kept dumping her eggs.

Twitter is changing course and adding a new Gray ‘Official’ check mark to verify certain individuals, in addition to the Blue check that users can pay for. They’re also adding a Black check mark to Donald Trump’s account to indicate he’s still banned.

An 8-year-old boy in the remote Pandarpadh village of India bit and killed a venomous cobra that attacked him and bit his arm. The boy was treated with antivenom and released, and the cobra was treated with chimichurri sauce and eaten.

A doctor attending the American Association of Hip & Knee Surgeons Annual Convention broke the Guinness World Record by assembling the bones of the leg in 78 seconds. He did it on the third try, and the first two will likely need wheelchairs.

A TikTok artist entombed a bag of Flamin Hot Cheetos in a 3,000 pound concrete sarcophagus. He plans to periodically exhume it to see how long it takes the Cheetos to melt an ulcer in the concrete.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested for masturbating on his front porch after meeting a new female neighbor and inviting her to use his new massage chair. He was arrested and jailed. Ironically, the woman wants to try the chair now that the guy isn’t around. [Story h/t to M.L.!]

Lung cancer screenings are now encouraged for all ex-smokers over 55. Lead times for screenings are a bit lengthy, so smoke em if you still got em.

Ashlee Simpson joined Demi Lovato onstage at Lovato’s concert in Los Angeles – until Demi Lovato realized she was there and had her removed by security.

Pennsylvania Republican candidate for governor Doug Mastriano vowed to eliminate pole dancing in schools if elected – potentially forcing Philadelphia City Schools to make significant changes to middle & high school Career Days.

Lena Dunham tweeted that she wants her casket driven through the New York City Pride Parade. Parade organizers said they’ll make it happen next year if she promises to do her part.

Kim Kardashian was fined $1.26 million by the Securities & Exchange Commission for plugging EMAX cryptocurrency on her Instagram account, without revealing she was paid $250,000 to do so. Kardashian said the hardest part was finding the EMAX to take a picture of it.

Bros – the first gay romantic comedy released in theaters by a major studio – bombed, earning just $4.8 million. Moviegoers said if they wanted to watch gay guys flirt for 90 minutes, they could save the twelve bucks and go to the gym.

A man died after a fall from a stadium escalator following Sunday’s Pittsburgh Steelers home game. Since the Steelers lost to the New York Jets, suicide has not been ruled out.

Conservative commenter Megyn Kelly said on her podcast that she objects to women like Jennifer Lopez and Shakira “showing their ‘vag’ at the Super Bowl”. Thousands of conservative male podcast subscribers are now kicking themselves for not watching it.

A large potbellied pig has been wandering in an Alabama neighborhood for weeks. The pig has so far evaded multiple capture attempts, while at the same time fielding multiple marriage proposals.