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General Motors announced a $1 billion investment to produce new heavy-duty pickup trucks. In a related move, they’ll also invest $100 million to produce new Calvin-peeing-on-the-Ford-logo window stickers, as well as heavy duty truck nutz.

Users of weight-loss drug Ozempic are complaining of ‘Ozempic butt’ – loose, flabby skin in the buttocks from rapid decline in weight. They’re upset because of the appearance, and by the extra slappy-sounding farts.

A Chinese warship came within 150 yards of colliding with a U.S. destroyer in the strait of Taiwan. The captain of the U.S. ship was confused because the Chinese vessel was crusing for a long time with its turn signal on.

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’ 29-year-old son Justin was arrested in California and charged with LDUI – L’il Diddy Under the Influence.

Apple’s rumored new VR headset, the Reality Pro, is rumored to cost $1,999. Buyers are eager to try it out at an Apple Store, where they can envision a reality where they have two grand to blow on a VR headset.

Taylor Swift swallowed a bug during her Chicago performance. Parents of the bug are asking for their $1,000 back.

Arnold Schwarzenegger explained how he told wife Maria Shriver about the son he fathered with their housekeeper Mildred Baena. Schwarzenegger said he went ‘Commando‘: “remember when I told you I never got Mildred pregnant?…I lied..”

Reigning NCAA golf champion Rose Zhang won the LPGA Mizuho Americas Open – becoming the first woman to win her LPGA Tour debut since 1951, when somebody else you’ve never heard of did it.

Tom Brady took his kids to Disney World where he was photographed riding the Tower of Terror – which is also his nickname for ex-wife Gisele when she was mad at him for continuing to play football.

Competitive eater James Webb broke a world record on National Donut Day, eating 59.5 donuts in eight minutes. He eclipsed the previous record shared by eight different patrolmen in the Philadelphia Police Department.

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Donald Trump was reportedly sicker with COVID-19 last fall than the public realized. Doctors considered placing him on a ventilator, and nurses said he was so weak, they couldn’t feel him grabbing their pussies.

Diabetes drug semaglutide shows unprecedented results helping patients lose weight from weekly injections. However, once injections stop, patients gain weight, so doctors are figuring out how to deliver the drug in cheeseburgers.

Paulina Porizkova, estranged wife of dead Cars frontman Ric Ocasek, said she was left completely broke because he wrote her out of his will. “You might think I have grocery money..” she told her friends.

Chappelle’s Show returned to Netflix after Comedy Central agreed to pay Dave Chappelle millions in royalties. Meanwhile, Rob Schneider sitcom Rob! remains off Netflix, despite Schneider agreeing to pay $13.99/month to subscribe.

Convicted felon Lori Loughlin requested federal officials return her passport, so she can leave the country and visit Hawaii.

Actress Brie Larson posted a YouTube video ‘My Morning Routine’. Her routine consists of a series of stretching exercises in a swimsuit, and getting ogled by thousands of creeps.

Tennis’ Australian Open once again banned spectators, after 13 cases of COVID-19 were traced to a Holiday Inn in host city Melbourne. Fortunately, no elite tennis players would be caught dead, or sick, at a Holiday Inn.

Due to COVID, the U.K. economy suffered its worst setback since 1709, when the Great Frost killed off a substantial portion of the population, and the introduction of scones killed even more.

The Houston Texans agreed to release All-Pro defensive tackle J.J. Watt. “Watt?!” said players still stuck on the team.

Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene allegedly had an extramarital affair with a tantric sex guru who calls himself “The Tantric Warrior”. The revelation is surprising those people finding out tantric sex gurus exist in suburban Georgia.