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A critic attending the Glastonbury Music Festival in England last week controversially called Guns N Roses performance “the worst Glastonbury headlining set ever”..adding “…and I was there for Bananarama ’88”.

The Federal Government awarded $80 million to Philadelphia mass transit provider SEPTA to eliminate emissions from all SEPTA buses – not counting emissions from the riders masturbating on them.

Department of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg said some delays in July 4th air travel may be experienced if passenger jets have not yet upgraded to 5G communication. That’s because pilots only want aircraft where they can text & fly.

New Jersey is attempting to attract more public school teachers by eliminating the in-state residency requirement. Mississippi is doing the same, while also eliminating the literacy requirement.

The producers of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse admitted they secretly distributed multiple versions of the film in theaters. Moviegoers aren’t thrilled to find out that at least two versions are The Flash.

Messaging app startup ‘IRL’ will be shut down after investors determined 95% of its registered users are fake. They consider 6-7% to be the success threshold for real users, matching the statistics of Twitter.

The Inspector General found “significant evidence” of misconduct at the prison where Jeffrey Epstein died – finding that suicide watch supervision was inadequate, and that guards should not have been giving merit badges to prisoners for knot-tying.

Stanford University researchers claim to have identified a new type of clinical depression, which impacts 27% of those diagnosed with depression and is not treatable with antidepressants. It is, however, treatable with a visit to Planned Parenthood.

Rosie O’Donnell is calling for the release of the Menendez brothers, who were imprisoned for the killing of their parents in 1989. Reached for comment, Lyle & Erik Menendez said they appreciate the support, but wonder if there’s, you know, like, a hotter woman to help them out.

Bad news: a man died attempting to drink all 21 cocktails on the menu at a resort in Jamaica. Good news: it’s an all-inclusive resort, so the funeral is free.

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Andrew Yang ended his Presidential campaign, citing difficulty gaining voter recognition from behind his face mask.

The World Health Organization officially named the Wuhan coronavirus COVID-19. Next up, the W.H.O. is throwing COVID-19’s gender reveal party.

Cable company Optimum announced price increases up to $30/month for tv packages, citing “increased costs of programming that you never watch.”

Google Nest home security cameras will require two-factor authentication beginning this spring. After entering the first password, the hacker looking at your kid’s bedroom will ask for the second password sent to your email.

Philadelphia is considering widespread changes to its public bus routes. They claim statistics show buses are running slower than ever; and by “statistics” they mean the number of pedestrians run over by buses.

Cambodia will allow a Holland America cruise ship quarantined for coronavirus to dock, after five other countries refused it. Cambodian officials agreed to let the ship in after the captain told them how much food they had on board.

Pope Francis delayed a decision whether to allow married men to serve as priests in the Amazon region, adding that, until he does, they’re free to keep up whatever crazy jungle love they’ve got going on.

JD Power released its 2020 list of the Most Dependable Vehicles. Topping the list – the Lexus ES. The least dependable vehicle is the one driven by your stoner buddy who said he’d pick you up at the airport.

Scientists have detected an “unexplainable radio signal” from outer space that repeats every 16 days. The scientists have repeatedly attempted to make contact with the signal source, but have yet to win Mötley Crüe tickets.

A new online startup, Ever Loved, promises to disrupt the funeral industry, offering caskets for 50% less than those sold by mortuaries. Although some buyers are put off by the caskets sold as Certified Pre Owned.