A new clinical study claims that the Apple Watch can detect diabetes with 85% accuracy, great news for affluent, morbidly obese douchebags.

The City of Philadelphia is closing schools on Thursday to coincide with the Super Bowl Champion Eagles victory parade, as thousands of students line the streets to congratulate the Eagles, and thousands of dropouts line the halls of empty schools to loot them.

Since it snowed in Philadelphia on Wednesday and will continue to stay cold through Thursday, Santa Claus cancelled his appearance in the Eagles parade for his own safety.

Kylie Jenner announced ‘Stormi’ as the name of her newborn daughter, edging out ‘Buy My Baby’s Name.’

Sony announced an update to Playstation 4 software that allows parents to control how much time their children spend playing video games. The update also includes self-defense videos that parents can view to prepare for when their children use up their gaming time and throw controllers at them.

Wynn Resorts CEO and Founder Steve Wynn resigned amid claims of sexual misconduct at his company. Wynn says that he looks forward to pursuing sexual misconduct as a private citizen.

A former Connecticut high school principal and one-time ‘teacher of the year’ was sentenced to two years in prison for taking upskirt videos of young girls at Walmart, Five Below and Disney World. Prior to sentencing, the judge asked why he didn’t just order girls to the principal’s office.

New England Patriots Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels backed out of an agreement to become Head Coach of the Indianapolis Colts. It’s rumored that McDaniels may have agreed to someday succeed Bill Belichick as Patriots Head Coach, or that he spent the day after the Super Bowl looking for something fun to do in Indianapolis.

Charlotte Veitner, University of Connecticut women’s field hockey all-time leading scorer, was arrested for shoplifting makeup from the campus bookstore. She was questioned by security as to why a women’s field hockey player would need makeup.

A woman in South Carolina was found outside a church holding her eyeball after intentionally hurting herself. She was subdued by sheriff’s deputies and EMTs, hospitalized, and will star in the movie being made from your Dad’s dirty joke book.