By |

Electronics maker Withings introduced the U-Scan, a toilet sensor that analyzes urine for nutritional and metabolic levels. A sensor for women goes in the bowl, the sensor for men goes on the floor next to it.

Dunkin is partnering with the American Red Cross to encourage blood donations. They’re offering a free drink to anyone who donates blood, provided they haven’t drunk Dunkin coffee in the past 60 days.

Idaho murder suspect Bryan Kohberger reportedly applied for a police internship. He was rejected based on his preference for stabbing innocent people instead of shooting them.

Ovidio Guzman, son of Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested in Mexico. Federal police say he’s the leader of the Sinaloa drug cartel, making him a Chipo off the ol’ Chapo.

A doctor battled to save the life of a passenger whose heart stopped twice on a 5-hour flight from the UK to India. The doctor restored the heartbeat once, then the passenger ate the in-flight chicken salad sandwich and it stopped again.

In an effort to restore goodwill, Southwest Airlines is giving 25,000 frequent flyer miles in addition to refunds to passengers impacted by the 15,000 flights it cancelled. Then Southwest announced it was cancelling their frequent flyer program.

Ukraine rejected Russia’s call for a cease fire during their war to observe Russian Orthodox Christmas. Just in case, Russian Orthodox Santa Claus outfitted his reindeer with body armor and upgraded his sleigh’s missile defense system.

GOP Congressman Kevin McCarthy lost 11 consecutive votes in a bid to become Speaker of the House. The good news is he was unanimously voted Mr. Congeniality.

Prince Harry is being criticized for a claim in his new autobiography that he killed 25 Taliban fighters during his tour in Afghanistan with the British Army. However, the Taliban admits multiple soldiers choked to death on scones Harry gave them.

Amidst mounting losses and large debt, a major household retailer plans to file for Bed Bath & Bankruptcy.

By |

A 47-year-old Florida woman died after her husband sued to have her treated with ivermectin. Ironically, she died of heartworms.

Jewelry retailer Pandora is ending their use of mined diamonds and switching to sustainable lab-made diamonds instead. They say this won’t impact the buying habits of cheap husbands & boyfriends who are out of ideas and buy charm bracelets.

A cat with a genetic mutation was born with four ears. It likes having three of them rubbed, and bites if you touch the fourth.

Experts criticized the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial for having him pick juror numbers at random who will decide his fate. They said it went too far when Rittenhouse drew a 13th juror who will be his Secret Santa.

Ob/gyn Dr. Jennifer Gunter, author of The Vagina Bible, debunked a viral claim that women suffer from “winter vagina” – seasonal irritation caused by dry air. This led to an awkward conversation between Santa & Mrs. Claus, who’s been using it as her go-to excuse for several Christmases.

Los Angeles’ Staples Center – home of the NBA Lakers & NHL Kings – is being renamed the Crypto.com Arena. It’s a 20-year deal that will cost over $700 million in real money.

Activist shareholders of video game maker Activision/Blizzard are calling for CEO Bobby Kotick’s resignation, for failing to act on workplace claims of sexual harassment, and for making female soldiers in Call of Duty games wear camouflage bikinis.

CDC data show drug overdose deaths reached record highs during the pandemic – meaning so did drug abusers, kinda.

The CDC data showed the leading cause of overdose death was fentanyl, and the rarest death was one guy who really got carried away with Nugenix.

Attendees at the Baby2Baby charity gala in Los Angeles – dedicated to helping children in poverty – audibly groaned when Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos only donated $500,000. In a gift code.

By |

A 98-year-old COVID-19 victim’s cadaver was dissected without his family’s permission, in a ticketed public autopsy for medical professionals held at the Portland Marriott. The family may sue, as will the people who mistakenly walked in looking for the wedding reception in the next ballroom.

Lawyers for the weapons handler on ‘Rust‘ – Alec Baldwin’s film project where a cinematographer was killed – allege possible sabotage by someone placing a live bullet in a prop handgun. They say this isn’t the only sabotage – someone tried casting Andy Dick in the movie.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers tested positive for COVID-19 and is reportedly unvaccinated. The bad news is he’ll miss this weekend’s game, the good news is State Farm ads have been quarantined for 14 days.

‘Diana: The Musical’, about the life of Princess Diana, previewed on Broadway to negative reviews, with some calling it “a train wreck that ends in a car wreck”.

Fat cells have been found to play a central role in cognitive decline, according to the new ‘Fat, Dumb & Happy’ study.

A 4-year-old Australian girl missing for two weeks was found alive and returned safely to her family. A 36-year-old man was arrested and charged with her abduction, and Aussie police released the dingo-of-interest they’d held for questioning.

India marked the celebration of Diwali amidst air pollution so bad, residents asked “Who turned out the Festival of Lights?”

Nintendo of America cut forecast sales of its popular Switch gaming console, citing a global microchip shortage, and the release of an unexpectedly long Naughty list by Santa Claus.

Following the Alec Baldwin ‘Rust‘ film set shooting, Dwayne The Rock Johnson said he won’t use real guns in his movies anymore. The Rock’s demand will cause massive rewrites, delaying the production of Disney’s ‘The Tooth Fairy 3’.

A new paper published in the environmental journal Nature claims large whales poop much more than scientists previously thought. The conclusion was reached by observing sharks, disgusted at whale behavior ruining their dinner parties.

By |

Police revealed that fugitive Brian Laundrie had been under surveillance since he returned to Florida after the disappearance of fiance Gabby Petito. They also revealed that it wasn’t exactly great surveillance.

18 former NBA players are charged in a $4 million health care fraud scheme. They deny the charges, but will likely take plea deals because none of them really want to play defense.

The Trump International Hotel in Washington DC accumulated $70 million in losses during Donald Trump’s four years as President – $10 million in operating losses, and $60 million in visiting dignitaries stealing towels.

California made ‘stealthing’ – removing a condom without verbal consent during intercourse – illegal. The verbal consent clause is a compromise from the original bill, which required both parties to sign the condom.

A judge sentenced an Illinois woman to four days in jail for coming too close to a grizzly bear and her cubs while taking photos in Yellowstone National Park. The bear also was granted the first-ever restraining order against a human in park history.

A California criminology professor was arrested and charged with arson for starting the state’s Cal Fire. The professor said he was running out of things to talk about in class.

Fox News turned 25 on Thursday, a milestone commemorated with a new special: “Fox News’ 50th Anniversary‘.

Despite the harmful effects to the environment, China has ordered increased production of coal, claiming there’s an energy shortage, and a record number of Chinese kids on Santa’s naughty list.

Researchers in Japan successfully tested a vaccination strategy in mice that could prevent not just COVID-19 but other coronavirus strains. The key to making it work in humans is finding a way to get them to eat the cheese or peanut butter.

A Waffle House employee at the center of a viral video controversy – she’s holding a baby while working in the kitchen – defended herself, saying she had no choice but to take the baby, her niece, to work. Critics say the problem isn’t the baby being there, it’s that the baby is smoking in a food prep area.

By |

After a man shot several people at a party in Fort Worth, Texas, partygoers defended themselves by throwing garden stones at the shooter, killing him. The police report lists the witnesses as Stoner 1, Stoner 2, Stoner 3…

Actress Busy Philipps says her daughter, Birdie, has been cast in a non-binary acting role for a new Amazon Prime series. Since she’s non-binary, she’ll be paid a full salary some days, and 72% of the salary on other days.

The Mayor of Orange County, Florida – home to Disney World – said they’re in ‘crisis mode’ because of a surge in Delta Variant COVID cases. It’s so bad, It’s A Small World is even smaller because of the hospitalization of singing child robots.

The Congressional Investigative Committee on the January 6th Riots kicked off Tuesday, with testimony from the Capitol Police force – requiring a 50% increase in the daily donut delivery to the House of Representatives.

Britney Spears officially petitioned for a new conservator to replace her father, although her new attorneys are attempting to persuade her out of her first choice, Santa Claus.

Naomi Osaka was eliminated in the third round of the Tokyo Olympics tennis competition, in the most Japanese sports headline ever.

The NCAA’s Southeast Conference is meeting to discuss adding the Texas Longhorns and Oklahoma Sooners athletic programs. Discussion is expected to center on money, and whether the conference grade point average could possibly go any lower.

The CDC plans to recommend everyone in a school setting from grades Kindergarten through 12 wear a mask. They’re also recommending younger kids and teachers learn the phrase “I REALLY need to use the bathroom” in sign language.

Campbell’s Soup cans are getting their first redesign in 50 years, with the Campbell’s name getting a “modernized logo structure” and “mm mm good” replaced by “not just for geezers”.

Some U.S. airports are running out of fuel for planes. As a result, Spirit Airlines will charge passengers an extra $49 if they don’t help push-start jets toward the runway.

By |

Dr. Seuss books are topping Amazon bestseller lists – now that the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers & QAnon have all decided to start bedtime story hours.

The WNBA will introduce new ‘City Edition’ jerseys this season, to go along with the primary home & away jerseys that no one sees.

A man was arrested for defacing “America’s Stonehenge” with QAnon grafitti. “Not the Rocky statue!?” said Philadelphians hearing the news.

The U.S. Food & Drug Administration warned baby food manufacturers to thoroughly test their products for the presence of toxic chemicals. This follows the proposed recall of Gerber Baby Strained Carrots with RoundUp.

Kim Kardashian said that she can relate to Britney Spears being bashed in the media, because Kim claims she was body-shamed while pregnant. However, journalists said when Kim was pregnant they honestly couldn’t tell between her front & back sides.

The CDC is completing its guidance of “safe” activities for those who have received the COVID-19 vaccine – with vaccinated seniors hoping the CDC’s list includes make-out parties with their nurses.

Scientists observed the first-ever Space Hurricane swirling above the North Pole. “No way I’m flying near that s**t” said Santa Claus.

Body cam footage from an Arizona incident shows a cop releasing a police dog on a man who was not resisting arrest. The cop was suspended without pay, and the dog was suspended without Pupperoni.

Billionaire Mackenzie Scott – former wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos – married Dan Jewett, a private school science teacher. Jewett’s female students agree that Mr. Jewett is now “like, a lot cuter”.

Bryson Dechambeau, winner of this week’s Arnold Palmer Invitational golf tournament, said he received encouraging text messages from Tiger Woods, including “don’t black out behind the wheel” and “who is this?”.

By |

Kelly Clarkson claims her estranged husband Brandon Blackstock defrauded her out of millions, singing ‘Since you been gone, I’m missing a lot of money’.

TIME Magazine named Joe Biden & Kamala Harris ‘Person of the Year’, becoming the first national periodical to forget how to pluralize nouns.

Over 100 Republican members of Congress and 18 state Attorneys General joined Texas’ lawsuit to overturn the election. To support their case, they provided the court with Amicus Briefs, and sack after sack of their letters to Santa Claus.

On Monday, the Electoral College will convene to confirm Joe Biden’s presidential victory over Donald Trump; but first, they will convene Saturday night for the traditional Electoral Kegger.

Target recalled over 70,000 pairs of light-up children’s boots, because parts can present a choking hazard. Customers will receive a full refund, and a bonus tutorial video about keeping children from eating boots.

Online gaming service Steam reported a new record, with one million gamers simultaneously playing ‘Cyberpunk 2077’. Multiple cities reported power outages due to simultaneous microwaves reheating Totino’s pizza rolls.

Ellen Degeneres tested positive for COVID-19. Her annual Twelve Days of Giveaways now include gift cards, trips, televisions, high fever & difficulty breathing.

SpaceX plans to test another prototype of its Mars rocket, just days after their last test rocket exploded upon landing. In other news, 10 monkeys submitted their resignations to SpaceX.

Australia cancelled development of their own COVID-19 vaccine, after trial participants showed ‘false positive’ test results for HIV. “See, we TOLD you vaccines make you gay!” said the top story on Pat Robertson’s 700 Club.

Marvel Films will not recast Black Panther following the death of Chadwick Boseman – dealing another devastating blow to the acting comeback of Alonzo “Hamburger” Jones.

By |

Rudy Giuliani tested positive for COVID-19, then lost 40 lawsuits challenging the results.

In another stinging defeat, Santa Claus threw out a letter from attorney Jenna Ellis demanding he overturn Donald Trump’s assignment to the Naughty list.

Google Maps now allows users to upload their own ‘Street View’ photos of businesses to the app. Now you can find that great new pizza place and see how it looks with a guy standing naked in front of it.

California residents are under a new stay-at-home order for the next three weeks, but most still managed to show up fashionably late for breakfast in their own kitchen.

A mystery illness causing nausea and seizures put over 300 people in the hospital in Southern India. In other news, McDonald’s introduced the McChicken Tikka Masala.

Bob Dylan reportedly sold his songwriting catalog to Universal Music Group for over $300 million. Dylan asked if they wanted his vocal tracks too, and Universal said “nah, you keep ’em”.

Disney Parks announced the temporary closure of the Expedition Everest attraction at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, adding they routinely remove guests who froze to death.

A man quarantining at a Taiwan hotel was fined $3,500 for stepping out of his room for eight seconds. Still no word on when, or if, the prostitute he’s looking for will arrive.

Melania Trump announced the completion of the new White House tennis pavilion, and the deportation of everyone who worked on it.

YouTube influencer Logan Paul, who knocked out Nate Robinson in a boxing exhibition match, will fight undefeated Floyd Mayweather in February. Paul will then record a post-match video for YouTube when he wakes up in April.

By |

Due to timing of NFL approvals, the Washington Football Team said they may need to keep their name through the 2021 season. Although they may slightly change it to Washington New & Improved Football Team.

According to overnight metrics, last night’s final Presidential Debate was watched by over 50 million Americans who forgot there was a football game on.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said there’s no cause for concern despite bandages and visible bruising on his hands, adding that he normally loses two pints of blood during a manicure.

U.S. astronaut Kate Rubins voted while aboard the International Space Station. Then she immediately filed a complaint about the Russian cosmonaut assigned to the ISS as a poll watcher by the Trump campaign.

Police in Queens are looking for a suspect who’s robbed six different Chinese food delivery drivers, taking their phones and cash, but not the food because MSG gives him headaches.

Quibi will shut down in December. Or sooner, it’s currently at about 4% battery life.

Mattel is issuing a Tiny Dancer Barbie to commemorate the 45th Anniversary of Elton John’s famous Dodger Stadium concert. The doll costs $19.99, but accessories including cocaine and hair plugs are hundreds of dollars extra.

Santa Claus will not appear at Macy’s stores for the first time in 160 years due to the pandemic. Children are asked to send their letters to him care of the North Pole Hospital Intensive Care Unit.

Ariana Grande released a new video for her song ‘Positions’ where she’s President of the United States. Difference being, she just licks the donuts instead of eating a lot of them.

The Los Angeles Fire Department introduced the Thermite RS3 – the world’s first firefighting robot. It’s been under development for several years – one month learning to shoot water, and 35 months learning to get drunk and run chicken barbecues.

By |

Hackers have exploited Google Chromecast streaming devices, using the hack to put anything they want on a Chromecast-equipped screen. “See, babe, I TOLD you that’s how the gay porn got there!” said a man who wasn’t a hacking victim, to his wife.

Nancy Pelosi was sworn in as Speaker of the House while surrounded by her own grandchildren and dozens of other children – also known as U.S. Representatives.

The Labor Department released a robust jobs report; the U.S. economy added a whopping 312,000 jobs in December, well above what economists expected to build toys for Santa.

Herb Kelleher, founder of Southwest Airlines, passed away at age 87. His body will be transported to his hometown, free of checked baggage fees.

Vicente Sambada Niebla, son of Sinaloa drug cartel leader Ismail Zambada Garcia, testified at the trial of Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman for five hours about how the cartel operated. Stunned by the betrayal, his father’s lawyer asked Vicente if he’d lost his head, to which he replied “not yet”.

Despite the government shutdown, the IRS stated that U.S. citizens will still be required to file their fraudulent tax returns.

Researchers trying to determine if it’s worthwhile to screen newborns for hundreds of genetic mutations have not yet determined if the screening is useful, since the mutations they identified still can’t predict whether babies will cry on airplanes or have a meltdown in a grocery store.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced they’re planning to have a fourth child, delivered via surrogate birth mother, and then via courier, since they’re both pretty busy on the due date.

A Florida man was arrested and charged with attempted murder for shooting his wife and her parents after seeing a video of the wife cheating with his best friend. The parents regretted their choice for Family Movie Night.

Anna & Lucy DeCinque, Australian women who call themselves “the world’s most identical twins”, say they plan to both get pregnant by their shared boyfriend and, if the law allows, marry him. The boyfriend, Ben Byrne, endorses the plan, saying it’s a great way to get laid twice without having to figure out which sister is which.