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Researchers are looking for 10,000 dogs in order to test a pill that may slow the aging process in canines. They need 10,000 in order to get 10 dogs that don’t spit out the pill.

A Mommy Blogger is advocating parents adopt “The 4 Gift Rule” for Christmas presents. A Child Blogger is suggesting parents follow “The Don’t Listen To Her Rule”.  [ story h/t to A.D. ]

The FDA issued a warning to Dollar Tree for continuing to sell “unsafe drugs”. The specific drugs weren’t named publicly, but it’s believed they’re referring to top seller DollarContin.

An El Paso Walmart location that was the site of a mass shooting in August reopened this week. Walmart executives thought it was important to the community that the store open in time for residents to clobber each other on Black Friday.

After White House Advisor Stephen Miller was accused of promoting white supremacist literature, Democrats are calling for his resignation. “Yeah but if I quit, like. FIFTY other white racists will have to quit working here too” argued Miller.

Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions contestants are asking viewers to play along at home and donate $1 for each correct response to pancreatic cancer research in honor of Alex Trebek. They also ask that you don’t deduct $1 for wrong answers, you cheap idiots.

An Iowa City Methodist pastor accused of being a “practicing homosexual” is taking a leave of absence amidst complaints. The complaints are from parishioners who can’t believe the church floral arrangements are so terrible.

The Centers for Disease Control say smoking reached its lowest level ever in 2018. Most likely smokers are between ages 25 and 44, gay or bisexual, and members of certain minority groups. CNN anchor Don Lemon was introduced as the new Marlboro Man.

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky said one customer demanded a full refund because the property they rented was haunted by a ghost. Chesky would not identify the customer, referring to him only as “Shaggy”.

Nine-year-old Laurent Simons will receive a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering from Eindhoven University of Technology in Belgium. He plans on a career in medicine – a decision he made after becoming ill chugging juice boxes at his fraternity hazing.

A U.K. inventor flew over 85 mph in a backpack-mounted jet engine suit, breaking the world record. He was asked how he felt after the flight, but waited to answer until his ass stopped burning.

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A new study suggests that your body type – specifically, how you carry weight in your abdomen – is largely determined by genetics, and by genetically modified cheeseburgers.

Following a poor earnings forecast, Weight Watchers shares dropped from $37 to $25 on Tuesday. “Hooray!” said Weight Watchers members who don’t understand the stock market.

Honda is shutting down a car manufacturing plant in western England in 2021, resulting in the loss of 3,500 factory jobs, not counting the tea & crumpet people.

Boy Scouts of America troops are welcoming girls to join their ranks for the first time. Young women joining Boy Scouts receive a special handbook to ensure they know there aren’t Merit Badges for nudity and sexting.

According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, the number of hate groups active in the U.S. rose to its highest level last year. Hate groups are only expected to grow, following the New England Patriots Super Bowl win.

Reports surfaced that the Vatican came up with special guidelines for Catholic priests who fathered children in violation of their vow of celibacy. One of them is a $1.000 budget limit on the gender reveal party.

A huge winter storm is moving across the continental U.S., impacting up to 30 states with snow, ice and freezing rain. Experts call it “winter”.

After his sentencing to 45 years in prison for assaulting his girlfriend and setting their apartment building on fire, an Ohio man sucker-punched his attorney, breaking his nose. The attorney is considering whether to continue branding himself as “tough & smart.”

Drew Rosenhaus, agent for Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, said the player hasn’t made a decision about his retirement. “He’s giving it a lot of thought” said Rosenhaus, in what is believed to be a first for Gronkowski.

Nike’s $350 Adapt BB self-tightening smart sneakers are reportedly breaking for some users after an Android update on their phone. “Aw man, now I have to get new sneakers AND a new phone!” said wealthy morons who don’t like tying their own shoes.