By |

Dozens of people looted a San Francisco area Nordstrom store during a smash & grab robbery. Three of the people were arrested, since they stuck around to have their items gift-wrapped.

A New Jersey Starbucks worker may have exposed thousands of customers to hepatitis-venti-half-caf-double-shot-extra-foam-caramel-frappucino-type-A.

Target announced they’ll keep stores closed on Thanksgiving Day for good, and will open at Midnight on Black Friday for stampedes.

Oregon State Police seized 500,000 pounds of illegal marijuana, with a street value of $500 million, and a government-run dispensary value of $5 billion.

Lebron James was ejected from Sunday’s game against the Detroit Pistons for elbowing Pistons Isaiah Stewart above the eye, drawing blood. Video of the incident premiered on HBO Max as Face Jam.

NFL wide receiver Odell Beckham, Jr and girlfriend Lauren Wood revealed she’s pregnant, after she played wide receiver a few months ago.

Machine Gun Kelly didn’t bring girlfriend Megan Fox to the American Music Awards, choosing instead to bring his 12-year-old daughter Casie, a.k.a Squirt Gun Kelly.

Tiger Woods shared video of his first practice swings since his February auto accident. Ex-wife Elin Nordegren did not share video, but reportedly took her first swings since bashing Tiger’s SUV with a 5-iron in November 2009.

Kyle Rittenhouse said in an interview that he’s not a racist and that he supports the Black Lives Matter movement, with the exception of any movement near his gun barrel.

Two Fox News contributors quit the network in protest over lies & conspiracy theories in Tucker Carlson’s January 6th special. More are expected to leave once they release Carlson’s Christmas special, Kyle Rittenhouse Is Comin’ To Town.

By |

Sophia Urista, lead singer of Brass Against, went viral after video circulated of her urinating on a man’s face onstage at a music festival. Some fans were outraged, but the man had purchased Gold Circle VIPee tickets.

‘House of Gucci‘ premieres this Thanksgiving, starring Lady Gaga & Adam Driver in a true story about an outsider’s attempts to take over the iconic fashion brand. Producers settled on ‘House of Gucci‘ instead of its original title, ‘Gucci Gucci Coup‘.

Investigators solved the 50-year-old mystery of Theodore Conrad, a Cleveland bank teller who put $215,000 in a paper bag and disappeared in 1969. Conrad died earlier this year and was buried under a stone engraved “Whatever, I got out of Cleveland”.

The Trump Organization is selling its Washington DC hotel. It will become a Waldorf-Astoria as soon as they remove the discarded hooker outfits and urine-soaked mattresses from the Presidential Suite.

According to The Framingham Heart Study, sugar-sweetened beverages are the worst drink for liver disease, even worse than alcohol. However, fiber consumption can prevent the damage, say the makers of all-new Mountain Dew Code Red Metamucil.

Walmart’s Black Friday ad shows special deals on Playstation 5 and Xbox Series X game consoles as available “online only”. But for a fee, Walmart will send fifty workers to your house to trample you as you try to shop online at midnight.

Adele said in an interview with Oprah Winfrey that her weight loss journey started with exercise that she used to control her anxiety. “I wish I had your anxiety!” said Oprah.

A 32-year-old woman was arrested for physically assaulting a Southwest Airlines employee. The woman said she heard the *ding* to move about the cabin, but never heard the second *ding* to end the round and stop punching.

The Beaver Moon lunar eclipse on November 19th will be the longest of the century, and the most disappointing to teen boys aroused by how sexy it sounds.

An 84-year-old man bought a Portsmouth, Virginia home “sight unseen” for $160,000 cash, then murdered his realtor in it before killing himself. The home has been relisted as a “fixer upper”.

By |

Clinical trials show a drug commonly used to treat constipation, Prucalopride, improves memory in test subjects. Online message boards report a huge surge in people taking the drug, then taking the Jeopardy! Online Test while on the toilet.

Facebook, Instagram & WhatsApp all experienced a massive outage on Monday, leading to a steep drop in home-cooked Monday night dinners since they couldn’t be photographed & shared online.

Former White House advisor Stephanie Grisham says in her new tell-all book that Melania Trump wanted to send full-length mirrors to African children “so they could see they’re very strong”. But she was also worried damages in shipment would lead to their having seven years of bad luck.

Amazon is starting their Black Friday deals early, due to “supply chain issues” – which is what they call bathroom breaks for warehouse workers.

Amazon is also instituting a $10 fee for grocery deliveries from its Whole Foods subsidiary. They say the fee includes delivery drivers telling customers which organic produce in the order is already rotten.

Rapper Boosie Badazz confirmed he’d been kicked off the Legendz Of The Streetz mega-tour because of an onstage fight and a shooting during his appearance at a Baltimore club. Promoters told him to come back once he’s Boosie ResponsibleAzz.

Dr. Dre’s estranged wife Nicole Young continues her battle over their divorce settlement, claiming Dre had at least three mistresses while married. Proceedings have dragged on for months due to time involved for her lawyers to ‘depose dese hos’.

NASA’s DART mission – Double Asteroid Redirection Test – will deliberately crash a spacecraft into an asteroid to alter its path near Earth. The mission will be captained by one of the only NASA astronauts with several confirmed DUIs.

Sarah Silverman criticized the casting of non-Jewish actors to play Jewish roles. Because there aren’t enough Jewish people involved in making decisions in Hollywood.

Major League Baseball’s Cleveland Guardians – formerly Indians – will continue to sell Indians merchandise and donate the proceeds to Native American charities. They’ll also sell Guardians merchandise, but donate most of it to third-world countries.

By |

Donald Trump’s job approval ratings fell in the first poll taken since the election, from 46 percent to 43 percent. The other 57 percent split between “disapproval” and “thinking he’d already quit”.

Utah dropped restrictions on group gatherings before Thanksgiving – now Mormon men can celebrate with all 12 of their wives.

A new study finds Missouri is the deadliest state for both COVID-19 infection and gun violence. Missouri’s governor announced a new plan to curb the spread of COVID-19 by testing more people, and shooting the ones who test positive.

China launched a space mission to the moon on Monday. Stargazers can follow the rocket all night as it travels through space with its turn signal on.

Qantas Airlines said they’ll require a COVID-19 vaccine for passengers on international flights. Spirit Airlines said they won’t follow suit for domestic flights, but still recommend a tetanus shot since there’s no telling what passengers will sit on.

NBC News reported that Donald Trump fears his Rudy Giuliani-led legal team is comprised of “fools who are making him look bad”. Trump was applauded on Capitol Hill for finally being right about something.

General Services Administration head Emily Murphy officially began the transition process to a Joe Biden presidency, after learning Biden plans to give all outgoing workers a free Honeybaked Ham.

Melania Trump greeted the delivery of the official White House Christmas Tree. Then sped away in the flatbed truck as the workers unloaded it.

CEO Ed Stack will retire after 36 years at Dick’s Sporting Goods. President Lauren Hobart will take over, becoming the first woman ever in charge of growing Dick’s.

Pornhub is selling discounted Premium Lifetime subscriptions at just $200 for Black Friday, although they also have offers for Teen Friday, Asian Friday, MILF Friday, Gay Friday & others.

By |

Apple Watches will soon receive Watch OS 7, with even more metrics to measure your overall health. After installation, the default health assessment is “not great”.

A reporter was accused of calling White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany a “lying bitch” – but the claim was disproved by the White House’s official transcript of the briefing. However, “lying bitch” does appear in the official transcript of just about every Oval Office conversation.

Pfizer and BioNTech will get a $1.95 billion order for COVID-19 vaccines from the U.S. Government. It’s $1 million to develop the vaccine, and the rest to cover lawsuits.

The State Department ordered China to close their consulate in Houston. Although it was really less of a consulate, and more of a place for Chinese guys to hang out and hear NBA stories from Yao Ming.

Kanye West claims he’s trying to divorce Kim Kardashian, and is seeking advice from someone who knows a lot about divorce – Kim Kardashian.

A FedEx driver was captured on a doorbell camera refusing to assist an 89-year-old man who had fallen on his porch. He did put a tracking number on him so his family could see where he ended up.

Walmart announced it will no longer open stores on Thanksgiving Day, and will instead designate a new day for doorbuster sales so customers can be trampled.

A new study claims three simple acts can stop individuals from transmitting COVID-19: 1) wearing masks; 2) maintaining distancing; and 3) dying from it.

A construction worker in Osaka, Japan was arrested for writing ‘unkopuuuun’ – which translates to “pyewwww poop” – in permanent marker on a public toilet seat. The judge did praise his courtesy, since you needed to put the seat down to read it.

A federal judge dismissed a lawsuit filed by vegans against Burger King, who they claimed were deceived because the chain’s Impossible Whoppers are grilled next to beef. The dismissal ups Burger King’s record in food quality lawsuits to 1 win and 2,000 losses.

 

 

By |

Researchers are looking for 10,000 dogs in order to test a pill that may slow the aging process in canines. They need 10,000 in order to get 10 dogs that don’t spit out the pill.

A Mommy Blogger is advocating parents adopt “The 4 Gift Rule” for Christmas presents. A Child Blogger is suggesting parents follow “The Don’t Listen To Her Rule”.  [ story h/t to A.D. ]

The FDA issued a warning to Dollar Tree for continuing to sell “unsafe drugs”. The specific drugs weren’t named publicly, but it’s believed they’re referring to top seller DollarContin.

An El Paso Walmart location that was the site of a mass shooting in August reopened this week. Walmart executives thought it was important to the community that the store open in time for residents to clobber each other on Black Friday.

After White House Advisor Stephen Miller was accused of promoting white supremacist literature, Democrats are calling for his resignation. “Yeah but if I quit, like. FIFTY other white racists will have to quit working here too” argued Miller.

Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions contestants are asking viewers to play along at home and donate $1 for each correct response to pancreatic cancer research in honor of Alex Trebek. They also ask that you don’t deduct $1 for wrong answers, you cheap idiots.

An Iowa City Methodist pastor accused of being a “practicing homosexual” is taking a leave of absence amidst complaints. The complaints are from parishioners who can’t believe the church floral arrangements are so terrible.

The Centers for Disease Control say smoking reached its lowest level ever in 2018. Most likely smokers are between ages 25 and 44, gay or bisexual, and members of certain minority groups. CNN anchor Don Lemon was introduced as the new Marlboro Man.

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky said one customer demanded a full refund because the property they rented was haunted by a ghost. Chesky would not identify the customer, referring to him only as “Shaggy”.

Nine-year-old Laurent Simons will receive a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering from Eindhoven University of Technology in Belgium. He plans on a career in medicine – a decision he made after becoming ill chugging juice boxes at his fraternity hazing.

A U.K. inventor flew over 85 mph in a backpack-mounted jet engine suit, breaking the world record. He was asked how he felt after the flight, but waited to answer until his ass stopped burning.

By |

Applebees, Denny’s, Olive Garden and other restaurants are offering free meals in honor of Veterans Day. To receive the free meal, you must be a military veteran, or a food service veteran with PTSD.

In honor of Veterans Day, President Trump will attend a service honoring canines who wanted to serve, but were diagnosed with bone spurs in all four paws.

Much of the United States will experience record-breaking cold this week. It’s expected to break over 200 records, and shrink the number of August 2020 births by 80 percent on account of thick, fuzzy pajamas.

‘Love & Hip-Hop’ star Trina got into a fight at a Florida Walmart after bumping shopping carts with a woman who then called her a ‘n***** bitch’. Walmart said they were cancelling all remaining Black Friday dress rehearsals.

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky said the rental service will now verify all of its listings, to give renters the peace of mind they need before they’re assaulted or murdered in a stranger’s house on vacation.

Food Network published a list of ‘100 Food Safety Red Flags’. Among them are: servers who appear to be ill; food that’s the wrong temperature; or anyone saying “welcome to Waffle House”.

Warner Brothers Animation released the trailer for Scoob! – the first feature-length animated Scooby-Doo film in decades. It’s the second-most anticipated movie in the Scooby-Doo Universe, right after Death of Scrappy-Doo.

A CBS News investigative report claims dating app fixation is causing user burnout. Users of dating apps say they’d be okay with it if the burnout was in their genitals, not their brains.

Jennifer Aniston was recognized as the 2019 ‘People’s Icon’ at the People’s Choice Awards. She’s only the second performer to receive it, the first being someone we’ve already forgotten about.

The Department of Transportation issued guidelines for families booking air travel, so that they’ll be seated together. They include booking early; reviewing an airline’s seating policy; and making sure Dad isn’t changing his seat assignment on purpose.

 

By |

A man in Scranton PA is wanted for tricking a woman into selling him a used iPhone for a roll of bills containing two $1s, a $10, and a Million-Dollar Bill. The woman realized the Million Dollar Bill was a fake when she didn’t see Donald Trump’s picture on it.

Walmart’s Black Friday sales ad appears to have leaked online. The deals are so good, dirtbags and their extended families are practicing stampedes at the door to their barns.

The new National Hockey League team in Seattle announced its best season tickets will sell for $12,000 to over $15,000. While expensive, they say the average fan can afford it if they just cut out five or six $6 capuccinos a day.

Disneyland guests were exposed to the measles after an infected person visited the park last week. ‘It’s A Small World’ was quarantined since none of the child robots were vaccinated.

Four American Airlines flight attendants were arrested for money laundering at Miami airport, accused of carrying thousands of dollars in cash. During interrogation, each was given a small glass of Diet Coke but were not allowed to have the whole can.

Actor William H. Macy visited wife Felicity Huffman in prison, bringing her a script with a file in it.

A list of the 50 Worst Rappers has gone viral. Will Smith and MC Hammer were not on the list, leading to speculation that the list was created by Will Smith and MC Hammer.

‘Joker’ is set to become the highest-grossing R-rated movie ever released, at least until Marvel includes a nude scene in ‘Black Widow’ or ‘Captain Marvel 2’.

Mark Zuckerberg said Facebook will commit $1 Billion toward creating affordable housing in California. The money will go to build 4 townhouses in San Francisco.

 

 

By |

Mary McDonough, who portrayed Erin on CBS series The Waltons, talked to Fox News about complications she experienced from breast enhancement surgery.  McDonough said if she could do it over again, she’d have had the work done at Ike Godsey’s General Store instead of her father’s sawmill.

Sony Electronics introduced a revamped version of Aibo, its robotic pet dog. The updated dog responds to praise and understands what actions makes owners happy – for instance, it will hump a woman’s leg, but only after listening to her talk about her job and family for an hour.

President Trump will seek to terminate the Diversity Visa program that allowed NYC terror suspect Sayfullo Saipov in to the U.S., but said Trump Hotels will still give triple points for Diversity Amex holders.

  • Lawmakers said Saipov was radicalized domestically online, and as a result still owed $20k in loans to Strayer University.
  • Trump said he’d ordered Homeland Security to tighten its extreme vetting process. A spokesperson for Home Depot said the guy had the $19 and a drivers license, so there wasn’t much more vetting they could do.

Walmart announced that their 4,700 stores will host Holiday Parties during the Xmas shopping season, sending Amazon’s stock price to another record high.

  • The parties will feature Selfies With Santa, shopping assistance from Holiday Helpers, and Grief Counseling.

Amazon has rolled out its Black Friday deals using augmented reality, after hearing from consumers who said they preferred to shop in a reality where they have money, jobs, and a different President.

Obamacare open enrollment begins, accompanied by rate increases so severe that customers are asking if poverty qualifies as a preexisting condition.

Papa John’s founder & CEO John Schnatter, on a disappointing earnings call, placed some blame for slower sales on their NFL sponsorship and the league’s poor handling of anthem protests. “We no longer want to be associated with a product that makes so many people sick” said the NFL.

More accusers have come forward to accuse Harvey Weinstein, James Toback and Kevin Spacey of sexual misconduct – to the point where A-List actors are reading Tyler Perry scripts because they’re running out of safe spaces.