By |

Dollar Tree stores announced they’ll raise the price of most items to $1.25. Hundreds of employees quit rather than taking a required 8-week training course ‘Making Change’.

Philadelphia recorded its 500th homicide on Wednesday, trailing Chicago by 200 killings, but still good enough to secure a Wild Card berth in the 2021 National Murder Playoffs.

New, heavily-mutated COVID variants have been positively identified in South Africa and Belgium, forcing North American tourists to cancel really long, boring vacations.

Israel also declared an emergency after a rise in new COVID cases and strains, with Prime Minister Naftali Bennett raising the national threat level from ‘be careful, bubby’ to ‘Oy vey!’.

Egypt celebrated the reopening of the famed Avenue of the Sphinxes in Luxor with a gala parade, capped off with an appearance from Mummy Claus.

Peter Buck, the nuclear physicist who co-founded Subway sandwich shops, died at age 90. Buck is widely credited for using sub-atomic particle splicing to create the world’s chintziest meat sandwich.

A North Korean man was sentenced to death by firing squad for smuggling video of Squid Game into the country. His family begged for leniency, saying he’s mentally ill for wanting to return to North Korea after leaving.

Procter & Gamble is recalling 18 Old Spice and Secret aerosol deodorants because they contain a cancer-causing chemical. Consumers should return the products for a refund, unless they already have cancer and stink.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson are still together, making 2021 the first Thanksgiving in decades where Kim didn’t have dark meat.

Claire, a Scottish deerhound, became the first-ever repeat Best In Show winner at the National Dog Show. “Bitch”, muttered the runners-up.

By |

January 6th rioter Jenna Ryan, a realtor who said she was “definitely not going to jail”, was sentenced to a jail term. Ryan now says she’s “definitely not going to be assaulted in jail”.

Another tough week for rappers – following the deaths of 8 people at Travis Scott’s Astroworld Festival, 10 people died of anaphylactic shock at Popeye’s after eating Megan Thee Stallion’s Hottie Sauce.

An Astroworld Festival planning document instructed security & others to call dead concertgoers “Smurfs”, not “dying” or “deceased”. EMTs called the event the “Smurfiest” they’ve seen, while pronouncing multiple young men & women “Smurf”.

Julia Thompson, 11, had eaten nothing but chicken nuggets her entire life and was diagnosed with ARFID – avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. She was successfully treated and now eats other foods thanks to a hypnotherapist, who made her believe she was a chicken.

Anchor Brian Williams is leaving MSNBC and NBC News. Williams, whose career suffered a setback when he embellished personal stories in interviews, says he needs time off to continue being Batman.

McDonald’s is debuting the ‘Mariah Carey Menu’ next month. Carey said her signature to-go order is a cheeseburger, which she orders with extra pickles, and five extra cheeseburgers.

The creator of Squid Game said a second season is coming, but it’s taking a while to properly film people getting shot playing Duck Duck Goose.

European women’s soccer player Aminata Diallo is accused of ordering an assault on teammate Kheira Hamraoui to give herself more playing time. Diallo has been suspended by Paris Saint-Germain head coach Geoffrie Gilloolie.

Scientists studying murder hornet attacks say honeybees make a noise to alert other bees in the hive of danger. They say the honeybees noise loosely translates to “get the guns”.

Roughly 1 million U.S. kids aged 5-11 will have their first COVID vaccine by the end of the day Wednesday, while several million more will be doing their own research listening to the L’il Joey Rogan podcast.

By |

An American Airlines flight from New York to Los Angeles was diverted when an unruly passenger assaulted a flight attendant. The flight landed in Denver, in a Home Depot parking lot so the crew could buy duct tape.

An inexpensive generic antidepressant, fluvoxamine, may reduce the risk of severe COVID-19 – or at least make patients a bit happier about getting it.

Snoop Dogg and Eminem are no longer feuding. The two fought since Snoop left Eminem off his list of 10 Greatest Rappers. Snoop apologized, saying Eminem belongs on the list, but to make room he must make a difficult phone call to Vanilla Ice.

Researchers remain puzzled by the origin of mummies found in China in the 1990s, all of them buried in boats in the middle of a desert. Although the researchers do agree that the people in the boats got pretty bad directions to the yacht club.

Sitting Bull’s great grandson has been identified using a new DNA technique. He’s been positively identified as Sitting Around Playing Video Games Bull.

A new study finds drinking coffee reduces the risk of developing kidney stones. And that, for people who already have them, it could decrease them from two lumps to one.

A Kentucky high school is under investigation for a pageant where students wear little clothing and give lap dances to teachers and staff. Participants defended the tradition, calling it “Kentucky occupational training”.

Great white sharks vision can’t tell a difference between seals and humans swimming or surfing, according to a new study. Human attacks may be a case of “mistaken identity” with seals, or a case of humans with enough blubber to be seals.

The United Nations released a new video warning of the effects of climate change, starring a talking animatronic dinosaur. Afghanistan’s UN Ambassador walked out on the video because it was an uncovered female dinosaur.

Three elementary schools near Syracuse, New York banned ‘Squid Game‘-themed Halloween costumes, citing the violent nature of the series, and a dozen recess deaths during Red Light/Green Light and Tug-of-War.