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Amazon is adding a $9.95 fee for Whole Foods grocery deliveries. The fee is to replace the organic produce that rots in the time it takes to deliver.

Donald & Melania Trump attended World Series Game 4 in Atlanta. Melania was hoping to grab a couple foul balls for the first time since Barron was conceived.

The National Women’s Soccer League Players Association reached an agreement with league officials in the wake of sexual misconduct scandals involving former team coaches. Future allegations will be investigated by a committee comprised of players, a league officer, a team official, and – if they ever get one – a season ticket holder.

A Minnesota man accused in the murder of three family members has been declared unfit for trial, with doctors citing mental health issues caused by energy drink abuse. “This man isn’t a Rockstar, he’s a Monster” said his attorney.

Ice Cube backed out of a $9 million movie role because he refused to get vaccinated. Cube clarified, saying the movie co-starred Alec Baldwin and he didn’t want to get shot.

Amorphophallus decus-silvae, a rare ‘penis plant’, bloomed for the first time in 25 years at a botanical garden in Europe. All it took was one of the female gardeners kissing it.

Caroline Lee, a Florida ‘Teacher Of The Year’, was arrested for punching a female student in the face, causing a bloody nose. Lee is expected to return for Parent/Teacher Conference Night, where she will “take on all comers”.

The Coca-Cola Company acquired sports drink maker Bodyarmor for $5.6 billion. They’ll take on PepsiCo’s market-leading Gatorade in the battle for drinks consumed mainly by obese people watching sports.

NASCAR driver Kyle Busch apologized for calling the dangerous actions of fellow driver Brad Keselowski “r*tarded” – thus offending the delicate sensibilities of millions of culturally elite NASCAR fans.

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez and Ben’s ex Jennifer Garner reportedly crossed paths while taking their kids trick-or-treating, as the limos taking the kids from house-to-house lightly tapped fenders.

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An American Airlines flight from New York to Los Angeles was diverted when an unruly passenger assaulted a flight attendant. The flight landed in Denver, in a Home Depot parking lot so the crew could buy duct tape.

An inexpensive generic antidepressant, fluvoxamine, may reduce the risk of severe COVID-19 – or at least make patients a bit happier about getting it.

Snoop Dogg and Eminem are no longer feuding. The two fought since Snoop left Eminem off his list of 10 Greatest Rappers. Snoop apologized, saying Eminem belongs on the list, but to make room he must make a difficult phone call to Vanilla Ice.

Researchers remain puzzled by the origin of mummies found in China in the 1990s, all of them buried in boats in the middle of a desert. Although the researchers do agree that the people in the boats got pretty bad directions to the yacht club.

Sitting Bull’s great grandson has been identified using a new DNA technique. He’s been positively identified as Sitting Around Playing Video Games Bull.

A new study finds drinking coffee reduces the risk of developing kidney stones. And that, for people who already have them, it could decrease them from two lumps to one.

A Kentucky high school is under investigation for a pageant where students wear little clothing and give lap dances to teachers and staff. Participants defended the tradition, calling it “Kentucky occupational training”.

Great white sharks vision can’t tell a difference between seals and humans swimming or surfing, according to a new study. Human attacks may be a case of “mistaken identity” with seals, or a case of humans with enough blubber to be seals.

The United Nations released a new video warning of the effects of climate change, starring a talking animatronic dinosaur. Afghanistan’s UN Ambassador walked out on the video because it was an uncovered female dinosaur.

Three elementary schools near Syracuse, New York banned ‘Squid Game‘-themed Halloween costumes, citing the violent nature of the series, and a dozen recess deaths during Red Light/Green Light and Tug-of-War.

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Facebook is reportedly changing its name to emphasize its focus on the metaverse. Also, Donald Trump is already banned from the metaverse.

Disgruntled Philadelphia 76ers player Ben Simmons was suspended from the team for refusing to participate in a defensive drill – shocking NBA fans who couldn’t believe teams actually do defensive drills.

Actress Ruby Rose, former star of Batwoman on The CW, used Instagram Stories to criticize producers of the show for running an unsafe set rife with injuries and sexual harassment. “Why didn’t you just call me?” asked Batman.

Queen Elizabeth II “reluctantly” accepted her doctor’s advice to rest, and cancelled a trip to Northern Ireland. Instead, Buckingham Palace is where she defends her 2020 Guinness-Chugging Contest title.

William Davis, a registered nurse in Texas, was convicted of killing four patients by injecting them with air – from his butt.

A Grateful Dead tour t-shirt from 1967 sold at a Sotheby’s auction for a record $17.640. The winner then washed the weed stench out of it and it resold for $50,000.

An Israeli scuba diver discovered a Crusader sword off the country’s Mediterranean coast estimated to be 900 years old. He surrendered it to the government, and now has to come up with a different Halloween costume idea.

Hawai’i will reopen to vacationers and other non-essential travelers on November 1st, but many people getting off the plane are wary of the newly-imposed Lei Mandate.

Dr. Dre is reportedly furious with estranged wife Nicole after being served with divorce papers as he attended his grandmother’s funeral. The papers had to be dried off since Dre dropped them while pouring out a 40 for Grandma.

Rapper L’il Yachty is a first-time father to a baby girl, Dinghy.

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David Gordon Green, director of horror reboot ‘Halloween’ and ‘Halloween Kills’, says the story of the final film in the trilogy will begin with a huge time jump. The film is titled ‘Independence Day‘.

The vehicle of a woman missing for 20 years, who’d left a note saying she was going to drive into the Ohio River, was found in the Ohio River. Officials have not located or identified her body, but are already saying she could have been more specific.

Motley Crue singer Vince Neil fell off the stage at a Tennessee music festival, breaking his ribs. His fans wondered if he could ever sing again, then remembered he couldn’t sing before the accident.

Facebook disputes recent reports that its artificial intelligence can’t consistently detect hate speech or violence. They countered by providing evidence of thousands of accounts suspended for telling other users to go duck themselves.

A California woman visiting Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas discovered a 4-carat yellow diamond – and is now engaged to the coyote who gave it to her.

A meteorite crashed through the roof of a house in British Columbia, Canada, landing on a woman’s bed at 11:45 pm, missing her by inches, and wrecking the chances of the guy in bed next to her.

NASA is studying ways to build a wifi network on the moon in the hope of improving broadband availability on Earth. Unfortunately, Comcastronauts have missed two straight installation appointments.

Sean Penn’s wife, Leila George, filed for divorce from Penn after one year of marriage. Seems like it was just yesterday that he was punching the wedding photographer.

Synthetic chemicals called phthalates, found in thousands of consumer products, may be responsible for premature deaths of Americans aged 55 to 64, leading to the immediate recall of new Strawberry Phthalate Metamucil.

Bill Clinton was released from the hospital after treatment for a urinary tract infection, so female nurses are allowed to work on his floor again.

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Internet sleuths speculate fugitive Brian Laundrie is hiding beneath the backyard garden at his parents house, adding he may be dead, but he’s there pushing up daisies and tomatoes.

Huntington Beach, California is set to reopen after a massive oil spill closed the beach and damaged wildlife. Local lawyers purchased billboards saying they’re ready to sue for slip-and-fall injuries on the shore.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un called on officials to improve the living conditions and food availability for citizens, saying North Koreans aren’t even living long enough for him to execute them.

Dr. Anthony Fauci says it’s okay for Americans to trick-or-treat on Halloween, but to exercise caution. Not because of COVID-19, but because it’s a Sunday, and Dads giving out candy are probably drunk after watching football and could fall on children.

Plus-size women slammed ‘Dancing With The Stars’ pro Lindsey Arnold for saying her new athletic wear line is for “all women” -since sizes only go up to Large. Arnold responded to ask XL & larger women what their workouts are, and they never answered.

The creators of mascot Phillie Phanatic settled their lawsuit with the Philadelphia Phillies, who redesigned the Phanatic in 2020 after being declared non-binary, with a chosen pronoun of “it”.

Raising Cane’s fast-food chicken locations are so short of workers, 250 of their 500 corporate office employees are staffing the restaurants. The other 250 are chasing and killing chickens.

Former Trump campaign adviser Corey Lewandowski is reportedly banned from all Trump properties and events after sexually harrassing a woman at a September fundraiser. Lewandowski was reportedly drunk, and Trump demands employees remain sober while sexually harrassing women.

Drugmaker Merck asked the FDA for emergency approval for its COVID-19 pill, saying it would help those who prefer pills to vaccines, and that it could be secretly slipped in to the drinks of anti-vaxxers.

Kim Kardashian West reportedly asked comedian friends Ellen Degeneres, Dave Chappelle, James Corden & others for help with her Saturday Night Live debut. Joe Piscopo is still waiting for his phone call.

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A flight attendant is accusing two Southwest Airlines pilots of placing a hidden camera in an onboard lavatory and watching it on a cockpit iPad. She said she was instructed to let them know when passengers with seatbelt extenders got up so they could shut it off.

Researchers found that police and doctors are each getting less and less sleep. Said the lead researcher “cops are up late shooting people and doctors are up late fixing ’em up.”

Katie Hill, the first openly bisexual member of Congress, resigned amidst allegations of inappropriate relationships with staffers. Hill called resigning “the hardest thing I have ever had to do” a claim disputed the other members of a three-way she was in.

President Trump attended Game 5 of the World Series, and is already being sued for failing to pay for his ticket.

Celebrity chef Jose Garces threw out the first pitch of Game 5, after a half-hour wait.

Two Instagram models were caught during Game 5 flashing their breasts as Houston Astros pitcher Gerrit Cole was starting to throw a pitch. The women were banned from future games, and given a free week at the Trump International Hotel in D.C.

Kylie Jenner dressed her daughter Stormi as “Kylie Jenner” for Halloween. She said the hardest part was finding a doctor to inject lip filler into an 18-month-old.

One of the rarest Pokemon cards in existence sold at auction for $195,000. The card may be relisted after it was found the high bidder was two 9-year-olds stacked undgiveer a trenchcoat wearing a moustache and a fedora.

Jeff Bezos title of World’s Richest Man is reportedly at risk, due to the U.S. Government awarding a $10 billion contract to Microsoft – and because of Bezos ex-wife and current girlfriend deciding to go shopping together.

An off-duty NYPD cop arrived at home after midnight to find his wife with her personal trainer. The cop shot him after the trainer counted off 100 push-ups.

 

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Southwest Airlines grounded two Boeing jets after finding cracks in a key part – the pilots’ skulls.

Rapper-turned-jailhouse snitch Tekashi 6ix9ine is reportedly planning his post-prison comeback, scheduled to start in the year 20wenty 6ix9ine.

Former NBC employee Brooke Nevils claims she was sexually assaulted by Matt Lauer, while Lauer claims their sexual encounters were consensual. “I can help settle this” said experienced news journalist Maury Povich, dusting off his lie detector.

A company called Future Meat Technologies claims they could have the first lab-grown meat cultivated from animal cells on store shelves by 2022. They could have the first lab-grown veal a week after they start making it.

  • Future Meat Technologies: the other-other white meat.

The NFL upheld its season-long suspension of Oakland Raiders LB Vontaze Burfict for a malicious helmet-to-helmet hit. Burfict has been offered a season-long development scholarship by the UFC.

California utility PG&E is utilizing blackouts to limit the spread of wildfires – and to increase the number of easier-to-control candle-sparked house fires.

A pediatrician said children should start packing their own school lunches starting at age 8. His opinion was published along with a recipe for Sour Patch Kids sandwiches.

Sesame Street is introducing a new Muppet character whose parent struggles with opioid addiction. Producers say the parent won’t be introduced, and will be known only as Shootemupagus.

A family returned from a vacation to find a window broken and a goat napping in the bathroom. The goat was returned to a farm up the road, but the Mom is wondering why the goat had the address and Dad’s phone number programmed into its phone.

A Monmouth University study of 1,100 U.S. adults states that 6% consider candy corn their favorite Halloween candy. Researchers footnoted that at least 6% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of serious mental illness.

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The search continues for the person or persons sending explosive packages to Democrats and critics of President Trump. The word ‘Florida’ is misspelled in the return address, narrowing the list of suspects to all current & former Florida public school students.

  • UPDATE: A Florida man has been identified as the suspect and is being detained by police in a local sinkhole.

Paul Dorr, director of a pro-life, pro-family group in Iowa, publicly shared a video burning four library books with pro-LGBTQ messages. Dorr may face legal action, but in the meantime has been banned from story hour.

A 68-year-old New Jersey man was arrested for a 10-month spree dropping piles of dirty diapers at intersections in Franklin Township.  The slippery diapers were blamed for at least one motorcycle accident, and ruining the shoes of the marching band in the July 4th parade.

NBC News anchor and Today Show host Megyn Kelly is rumored to be negotiating her exit from the network, disappointing white suburban moms hoping for last-minute tips dressing their kids as Beyonce or Jay-Z for Halloween.

A Florida prison guard and his wife were arrested for accepting bribes in exchange for smuggling McDonald’s food, chicken wings and a cell phone to an inmate. The two were arrested after the inmate downloaded Uber Eats and attempted to have 10 Big Mac value meals delivered to his cell.

The NFL fired down judge Hugo Cruz for missing a false start call that led to a Los Angeles Chargers touchdown in a game he was officiating. The NFL Referees Association said they’ve filed a grievance on a yellow handkerchief tossed into Commissioner Roger Goodell’s office.

A New York Times article addresses the departures of two top Google executives — Andy Rubin & Amit Singhal — each of whom were paid millions after acts of sexual misconduct. Google is concerned that other executives are asking ‘who do I need to sexually abuse to get an eight-figure severance around here?’

McLaren showed off a 1,035-horsepower, three-seat hybrid supercar costing over $2 million. McLaren said the low emission hybrid drivetrain is meant to save trees while you drive the overpowering car into them.

Snapchat is losing users in the wake of a redesign and competition from Instagram. Snapchat announced daily active users dropped 1%, to 186 million — but investors were more concerned that power users posted 5% fewer pics of their breasts and penises.

Ayal Lanternari has a hit new product – Nanobebe, a baby bottle that spreads milk into a thin layer so that it can be microwaved without hot spots or nutrient damage. The bottle is also shaped like a breast, making it extremely popular with nursing children and grownup creeps.

 

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Grovetown, Georgia is requiring registered sex offenders in the area to report to a municipal facility on Halloween night for ‘childrens’ safety’. However, trick-or-treaters are appealing for leniency, once they found out the offenders were planning to hand out full-size KitKat bars.

More suspicious explosive packages have been identified, delivered to Vice President Joe Biden and actor Robert Deniro. Deniro notified police when he received an email from UPS reading “your shipment of pipe bomb has been delivered!”

Following her now-infamous Halloween-costume blackface comments Tuesday on the Today show, Megyn Kelly opened Wednesday’s show saying “I want to open with two words: I’m sorry.” Kelly’s time slot aired a rerun on Thursday. Her Friday segment will start with “I want to open with two words: I’m fired.”

A caravan of migrants fleeing Central America for the United States has grown to approximately 10,000. Or, as Sean Spicer called it, two million.

President Trump denied using a personal iPhone that can be bugged by Russian and Chinese spies. This, as Chief of Staff John Kelly translated iMessages received in Russian and Chinese reading “speak up.”

Duchess Meghan Markle was photographed at an event in Tonga wearing a red dress with a tag hanging off of the hem. She had just arrived there from Australia, where she dedicated the grand opening of Brisbane’s newest TJ Maxx.

Google released ‘Night Sight’ mode for its Pixel smartphones, a low-light camera setting that its makers claim will save you from ever having to use the flash again. “It really is terrific!” say Peeping Toms looking at their latest Pixel snaps.

Starbucks opened a first-of-its-kind location in Washington, DC, where every employee is fluent in American Sign Language — providing a long-awaited opportunity for pretentious deaf douchebags to sign a 90-second order and still see the wrong name written on their cup.

The FDA approved Genentech’s Xofluza, a new oral medication for treatment of the flu. It’s to be taken within 48 hours of showing symptoms, or not taken at all if you’d rather just miss a full week of work.

Jamie Lee Curtis said that she was paid just $8,000 for her role in the original ‘Halloween’. Worse, the guy who played Michael Myers just got to keep his wardrobe and the knives.

 

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Actress Jamie Lee Curtis told People magazine that she is in recovery from a 10-year opiate addiction. She was originally prescribed pain killers to recover from non-lethal stab wounds suffered during terrible ‘Halloween’ sequels.

Duchess Meghan Markle’s wedding dress will go on public display for the first time since her May 19th wedding, after a fourth dry cleaner successfully got all of the embarrassing stains out of it.

Megyn Kelly apologized for insensitive remarks on the Today Show, regarding children wearing blackface as part of Halloween costumes. Kelly said she got carried away remembering all the candy she got when she trick-or-treated as Donna Summer.

McDonald’s is expanding its breakfast menu, offering bigger “triple stack” versions of McMuffin and McGriddles sandwiches. Head of Culinary Innovation Mike Haracz said the items are a result of seeing customers ‘hack’ the McDonald’s menu — which everyone assumed to mean hacking it back up in the parking lot.

Apple CEO Tim Cook spoke to CNN’s Christiane Amanpour, telling her that being gay ‘is God’s greatest gift to me’. Cook added that it was difficult choosing a greatest gift, since he’s also been blessed with billions of dollars and bountiful underage overseas factory labor.

Suspicious packages containing explosives were mailed to the home of Bill & Hillary Clinton, and an office used by President Barack Obama. Canines were able to detect the explosives because the packages also contained Trump Steaks.

Rumors circulate that Khloe Kardashian and NBA player Tristan Thompson may have finally broken up, as she remains in Los Angeles while he lives in Cleveland playing for the Cavaliers. “Oh no!” said Thompson, barely audible beneath a pile of groupies.

Nina Kroupianova, wife of white supremacist Richard Spencer, filed for divorce, saying that Spencer was physically, emotionally & financially abusive. Kroupiianova said she can’t believe that this is the same loving bigot she married.

PETA is being criticized for their tweet urging people to stop drinking milk, since they claim it’s a ‘symbol used by white supremacists’. “Damnit, they’re on to us” said the Grand Imperial Holstein at a Cu Clux Cow rally.

A lawsuit filed in the San Francisco Bay Area alleges that 263 priests are sex abusers. “Hmm. Seems a little low..” said Pope Francis.

Dozens more breakfast foods have tested positive for trace amounts of weed killer glyphosate, better known as Roundup. Parents are reportedly feeding their kids Cheerios, then sending them outside to piss on dandelions to kill them.