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A self-described transgender vampire was convicted in Wisconsin of sexual assault. Sentencing is scheduled next month for Countess Dracula.

Donald Trump’s social media platform Truth Social will start a streaming tv channel. They’ll air Trump rallies and felony trials in between JAG & NCIS reruns.

A former prosecutor told CNN he worries about the safety of jurors in Trump’s NYC hush money felony trial – especially since they’ll be sequestered at Trump’s Bedminister, New Jersey hotel & golf club.

Drug maker Eli Lilly claims their weight loss drug Zepbound also reduces sleep apnea – mostly because people lose enough belly fat that they can finally sleep face down if they want.

Hollywood producer Carol Baum said she “doesn’t get” it-girl actress Sydney Sweeney, saying she’s “not pretty” and “can’t act”. ….. “Yeah, we don’t care” said male Hollywood producers.

Phoenix, Arizona is holding a tree planting drive, as average temperatures approach 100 degrees. Organizers say they expect shade from the trees to pay off after everyone planting them has been dead for twenty years.

A snake slithering through a passenger car on one of Japan’s bullet trains caused a 17-minute stoppage in the trip from Tokyo to Osaka. The snake was captured and returned to the kitchen so chefs could continue making lunch for the dining car.

The Department of Justice is considering anti-trust action against Ticketmaster/Live Nation for excessive fees and controlling a massive share of the ticketing market. Ticketmaster has already listed seats at the trial for $500 each plus $75 in fees.

Crystal Kung Minkoff announced she’s leaving Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, where she was the Bravo series first Asian American cast member. She’s considering joining the cast of Real Housewives of Oklahoma, where she’d be the first Asian to ever live there.

Salvatore ‘Sal the Shoemaker’ Rubino of Sal’s Shoe Repair on Long Island was charged with running an illegal gambling operation out of the shop. Investigators recorded Rubino hitting a customer with a baseball bat over failing to pay $20,000 for new soles on his loafers.

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Ed Winter, Los Angeles county coroner who autopsied some of the world’s biggest celebrities, has died. He’ll be honored with a star on the Hollywood Wall of Refrigerated Drawers of Fame.

The Chairperson of the Libertarian Party condemned convicted felon Joe Exotic for seeking the party’s nomination for U.S. President. Exotic made the announcement during a campaign stop at a license plate factory.

South Korea has the world’s lowest fertility rate, with an average of just 0.78 children for every woman of child-bearing age. South Korean women now have the world’s highest approval rating among single men.

Microsoft introduced Power Platform Copilot, an artificial intelligence that creates an app based off of a simple description of the app’s desired function. “Why is this app telling me to have sex with you?” asked thousands of wives and girlfriends looking at the new app on their phones.

Blac Chyna appeared in public for the first time since having her facial fillers dissolved and butt implants removed. Onlookers described her as long-faced and half-assed.

The Mayor of Miami Beach, Florida instituted a curfew after incidents of gun violence during Spring Break. In other news, area Wet T-Shirt contests are now Red T-Shirt contests.

Adam Sandler was honored with the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC. At the Arkansas State Fairgrounds, Larry the Cable Guy was honored with the Ernest P. Worrell Prize for Southern American Humor.

Sydney Sweeney of HBO’s Euphoria said in an interview that she developed large breasts before other girls and felt ostracized for it. Now she has tv & movie roles and feels d-cized for it.

Porn star Stormy Daniels revealed she’d married porn star Barrett Blade at the end of 2022. This is Daniels fourth marriage – the other three ended when work got in the way.

Mexico’s President Andrés Manuel López Obrador said U.S. families are to blame for the fentanyl crisis because they don’t hug their kids enough. Mexicans entering the U.S. are already attempting to fix the problem by forming hug cartels.

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A manager at a South Carolina Starbucks accused employees of kidnapping him after they demanded a pay raise and better equipment. Police are having difficulty arresting the employees, because the manager got all of their names wrong.

Russia’s rebranded McDonald’s – which can’t get Coca-Cola products anymore – filed trademarks for replacement brand TochkaCola, and new Borscht TochkaCola Code Red.

Lisa London, casting director for Disney Channel’s Hannah Montana, revealed who the other two finalist actresses were for the role played by Miley Cyrus. Her account is vehemently denied by both Meryl Streep and Dame Judi Dench.

A labor union representing Philadelphia school bus drivers voted to strike ahead of the upcoming start to the new school year. Students are advised to make backup plans, like carjacking their rides to school.

Park rangers found a detached foot in a shoe floating in the Abyss Pool hot spring in Yellowstone National Park. The shoe was size 9, so the rangers have ruled out Bigfoot.

HBO Max pulled nearly 200 episodes of Sesame Street as it prepares to combine with Discovery+. However, an injunction to block the move was filed by the letter F, which had sponsored the episodes.

Actress Jennifer Garner was spotted shopping at a West Virginia Sam’s Club on Saturday night, while ex Ben Affleck married Jennifer Lopez in a lavish ceremony in Georgia. The next day, Lopez & Affleck received a gift-wrapped bundle of 100 rolls of toilet paper.

Hailey Davidson, a transgender woman who completed gender reassignment surgery in 2021, is vying to become the first trans woman to join the LPGA Tour. She claims to be at a disadvantage because of the two-stroke penalty she received for lost balls.

HBO Max crashed for thousands of users due to a surge in viewers attempting to stream new ‘Game of Thrones’ prequel ‘House Of The Dragon’. HBO Max execs thought they’d hit peak traffic with all of the boob scenes in Euphoria, but admitted they were wrong.

Actor Gary Busey was charged with sexual assault and removed from the Monster Mania Convention in Cherry Hill, New Jersey last weekend. Busey, who appeared in Predator 2, will soon be appearing in court as a Predator, Too.