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New research finds people who get up early may have inherited genetic variants from Neanderthal ancestors. Now if they could just stop dragging their spouse by the hair and hunting the family cat.

Poison control centers are getting a large volume of calls from people reacting adversely to weight-loss drugs Ozempic and Wegovy. This, according to parents waiting on hold for a half-hour after their kid ate the Tide Pods again.

Netflix issued its first-ever public data, ranking viewing of 18,000 different titles by number of hours watched. Comedian Rob Schneider is still searching for his standup special, and is up to 17,900-something.

Tesla issued a software update to 2 million vehicles with a fix to its autopilot function. Over half the cars refused it, telling their owners they drive just fine.

Sears reopened two retail stores in California and Washington – delighting locals who’ve waited several years to return Toughskins jeans that didn’t fit.

The Federal Communications Commission proposed a ban on early-termination and other ‘junk fees’ by cable video & internet providers. Cable companies warn this could punish consumers with higher prices, but also admit they’d be happy to have a new reason to charge higher prices.

Kid Rock said he’s done boycotting Bud Light, and that he has the vomit to prove it.

Popular Science shut down its online magazine, because it kinda wasn’t anymore.

Boston City Council held an ‘Electeds Of Color – No Whites’ holiday party. Then they got into a big argument about whether or not Santa could attend.

A former chef is accused of creating and selling over 1,200 “suicide kits” worldwide that led to dozens of deaths. He faces murder charges. However his cookbook is still a pretty hot seller.

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BMW is charging $18/month to activate heated seats in its vehicles. They’re also planning to charge $20 for ventilated seats and rolling down the windows when the on-board GPS detects the vehicle at a Taco Bell drive thru.

Elon Musk’s 76-year-old father Errol confirmed he fathered a child with his 34-year-old stepdaughter. Errol Musk blamed the pregnancy on his penis’s Autopilot function.

Tom Brady said his immense wealth is the hardest thing about parenting. He said the second-hardest is his stupid f***ing kids.

Stranger Things actor Noah Schnapp confirmed in an interview that his character, Will Byers, is gay. Vecna confirmed in a different interview that he’s non-binary.

The Italian beach town of Sorrento imposed a new fine on bare chests in public. Although Good Samaritan Sorrento creeps are offering to pay the fine for women 40 & under.

Odor complaints in New York City have reached an all-time high as a result of the high heat, homeless encampments & rotting trash. Residents say it’s the first time they’ve seen rats wearing face masks and Axe body spray.

Thefts of purebred French Bulldogs have become a nationwide crime epidemic. Owners report having their dogs stolen at gunpoint. But, because they’re French, the dogs typically surrender to the kidnappers.

Uber is being sued for sexual assault by 550 women – with a cumulative average customer rating of 1.5 stars.

A South African man competing in a drinking challenge to win $12 died after downing a full bottle of Jagermeister in two minutes. So far, a dozen people on organ transplant waiting lists have passed on taking his liver.

Ivana Trump died at age 73. Eric Trump said funeral arrangements and a guest list are still pending, but he hopes the stork that carried him to her will attend.

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Tesla may be sued because of allegations its Autopilot feature deactivates moments before a collision, so as to shift blame to the driver. Tesla plans to dispute this, claiming the car is shifting from Autopilot to Jesus Take The Wheel mode.

A lawsuit claims a 4-year-old boy in Houston was given a vasectomy during hernia surgery. The boy’s family seeks $1 million in damages, and a reversal of the vasectomy so he can start a family with the kindergarten teacher he has a crush on.

A muckraking political action committee alleges GOP Representative Lauren Boebert was employed as a paid sex worker and had two abortions. It also says she’s so dumb, she had both abortions done on the same visit.

14 children were injured when a bounce house went airborne and landed on an empty tennis court. First responders are thankful it landed on the tennis court, because if it landed on the pickleball court it could have killed four 80-year-olds.

Lizzo changed the lyrics to her new song Grrrls to remove the word ‘spaz’ which is considered offensive. She promised to be more thoughtful and stick to ‘bitch’ and the N-word.

Newlywed Britney Spears and her husband moved into a new house in a gated community where ex-husband Kevin Federline lives with the two boys he fathered with Britney. She says it’s not about visiting her boys, it’s so she can send child support payments with one of those drive-up teller vacuum tube things.

Charlie Sheen is displeased that his daughter Sami is now on Only Fans. He claims ex-wife Denise Richards enabled it, but it makes sense that Richards gave their daughter a video camera, green screen, and sex toys for her 18th birthday.

A dog set a Missouri home on fire when it turned on a burner of a kitchen stove. The dog was rescued and treated his family to KFC because he burned dinner.

Microsoft ends support for its Internet Explorer browser after 26 years. Loyal users are bombarding customer support websites to ensure they can save the Mapquest directions to their grandkids house.

Amber Heard told Today host Savannah Guthrie she still has love for Johnny Depp, adding they’ve been through a lot of shit together.