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President Trump called off talks with Taliban leaders at Camp David. Things broke down when the Taliban heard it was catered by Burger King, and Trump aides refused Taliban requests to substitute meatless Impossible Whoppers.

Tomi Lahren’s fiancee, Brendan Fricke, is running for Congress in California. Fricke, an Independent, believes his candidacy will provide two big benefits – showing voters a conservative platform, and him spending extended time away from Tomi Lahren.

The Rock delivered the good news that car crash victim Kevin Hart is “doing very well”, and more good news that Hart won’t be making any new movies for a while.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair shared a photo with no hair and no pants – but shut down rumors she was auditioning for a new Britney Spears biopic.

Google is facing antitrust investigations by just about all U.S. states. What’s worse is when you ask Google Assistant if it’s a search and Internet monopoly, it replies an emphatic YES!

Apple is expected to debut new iPhones at an event on September 10th. “See? This is where all of our hard work pays off” said preteens in China.

Amazon is looking to fill 30,000 jobs and is having a Career Day on September 17th in six U.S. cities. Applicants are advised to bring resumes and dress to impress the robot interviewing them.

A 7-year-old boy who spent savings for a Disney vacation on supplies for Bahamian refugees was given a free trip to Disney World and a visit from Mickey Mouse. The boy asked if homeless Bahamian kids could go to Disney World and Mickey told him to forget it.

Scientists discovered evidence of a city-sized asteroid that killed the dinosaurs 65 million years ago —  not to be confused with Election Day 2016, when the dinosaurs came roaring back into power.

A boy in Tennessee was bullied for wearing a homemade University of Tennessee Volunteers shirt to his grade school’s ‘College Colors’ day – so the Vols sent him boxes of official gear. Now the kid is being bullied because Tennessee’s 0-2 football team sucks.

David Lee Roth will perform a nine-show residency at the House of Blues – Las Vegas, marking the first time a Vegas act performed Louis Prima covers in over 40 years.

Todd Palin filed for a separation from Sarah Palin. He’ll move to Russia so Sarah can still keep an eye on him from home.

 

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A pregnant inmate escaped police custody at a hospital in Rochester, New York, but was recaptured hours later. Police don’t know when her baby is due, but they requested a sonogram to determine whether the newborn will get a pink or blue ankle bracelet.

University hospital researchers in Dallas say that exercising just two or three days per week could be beneficial to heart health, with the exception of people too poor to own a car who walk to Popeye’s.

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation claims that the children’s movie ‘Show Dogs’ features scenes that normalize genital touching to its young audience, since a talking dog is taught to allow dog show judges to touch his genitals. Parents are being told to talk to their kids about predatory sexual behavior, and to not enter their children in dog shows.

Atlantic City, New Jersey reports that its casino earnings are “profitable, but shrinking.” Longtime Atlantic City prostitutes are using the same “profitable, but shrinking” phrase to describe the genitals of their aging clientele.

‘Dancing With The Stars’ crowned figure skater Adam Rippon its newest champion, stunning observers who doubted a gay male could succeed at both figure skating and ballroom dancing.

Jessica McCusker, tax clerk in a Philadelphia suburb, was charged with felony embezzlement for taking over $200,000 in property tax payments that residents made in cash. Officials say that cash payments for property taxes are no longer allowed, and must be made either by check, hoagies, or opioids.

Videos posted to Twitter show a Minnesota restaurant patron throwing a glass of water on Fox News Commentator Tomi Lahren, and Lahren melting.

Carson Meyer, a college hockey player for the University of Miami, suffered from loss of appetite, weight loss and fatigue, then went to the bathroom and found that he’d passed a two-foot-long tapeworm. Meyer has modified his diet to cut out raw fish, and the tapeworm was ejected for fighting to stay in his intestine.

According to the Federal Reserve’s ‘Report on the Economic Well-Being of Households in 2017’, 40 percent of adults don’t have the money to cover a $400 emergency expense. Mainly because they’re millennials whose parents don’t know how to Venmo them the 400 bucks.

The Centers for Disease Control gave the all-clear to eat romaine lettuce again, following a widespread E.coli outbreak. “Finally!” said hungry hamsters and guinea pigs.