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Norway’s worst mass murderer in the nation’s history appeared at his parole hearing and started it with a Nazi salute, which the parole board called “a real time-saver”.

Philadelphia now requires vaccination for indoor dining. Those without proper vaccine status are encouraged to go to North Philly where they can be shot twice in no time.

U.S. communications providers Verizon and AT&T delayed the deployment of 5G signals near airports due to the risk of interference with aircraft instruments, though it won’t interfere with Spirit Airlines tin can-and-string communication systems.

Cracker Barrel was ordered to pay a customer $9.4 million for serving a glass of cleaning chemicals instead of water, permanently damaging his throat. They’re also being criticized for their first aid response, which involved stuffing his mouth with biscuits to soak up the chemical.

Saturnino de la Fuente, Guinness record holder as World’s Oldest Man, died in Spain at the age of 112 years, 341 days. Guinness contacted de la Fuente’s family to ask if they wouldn’t mind shipping the plaque to some other old dude.

A Japanese man with a graduate degree in physics rents himself out to ‘do nothing’ with strangers at a rate of $90 for several hours. He plans to emigrate to the United States and raise his rate to $174,000/year as a member of the Senate.

A Tesla owner was charged with felony manslaughter after putting the car on autopilot, driving through a red light and killing the occupants of another vehicle. The driver pled not guilty, and the car hired its own lawyer.

Texas rapper Sad Frosty died unexpectedly at age 24. First responders were unable to revive him by placing an old silk hat they found on his head.

The Taliban ordered all shop owners to behead their mannequins, because they’re “idols” banned by Islam. Shop owners are struggling to find cantaloupes so they can properly display hooded sweatshirts.

A woman posted on TikTok that her husband prepared “hormone food” to remedy her infertility, and that she’s now pregnant. She credits the delicious meals which she ate during lunches with the teenager who cleans their pool.

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The New Jersey race for Governor is too close to call, and may take up to a week to determine which candidate won, and which gets whacked.

An Israeli court halted the auction of a tattoo kit, described by the seller as having been used on inmates at Auschwitz. The legality and authenticity are in question, since the tattoo templates are of a fighting leprechaun.

Facebook is ending its use of facial recognition technology, saying it will eliminate the face-recognition templates of over 1 billion people, and 50 million cats & dogs.

Zillow plans to lay off 25% of their workforce now that they’ve stopped buying and selling houses. The workers saw huge declines in their salary Zestimates.

Boston elected Michelle Wu as Mayor, the first woman and first person of color to hold the office. Things got off to a rough start during her victory speech when she said she can’t wait to sing ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ for the Boston Celtics.

ISIS activity poses a threat to the new Taliban government in Afghanistan. “Yeah, maybe we sit this one out” said the United States.

Early reviews say Marvel’s ‘Eternals‘ debuts the first sex scene in the 13-year history of the Marvel Cinematic Universe – a claim disputed by purists insisting there’s a deleted scene of Ant-Man in the Wasp’s pants.

Astronauts aboard the International Space Station ate tacos made with green chiles grown in space. The leftovers will be returned to Earth and served at a public school cafeteria’s Taco Tuesday in 2025.

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos reportedly had a lengthy dinner conversation with comedian Kevin Hart, to gauge Hart’s interest in offending the LGBTQ community.

Bravo announced a new ‘Housewives‘ spinoff series, ‘Real Housewives of Dubai‘. The kicker is, all the wives are married to the same guy.

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Officials confirmed the human remains found in a Florida nature preserve are those of fugitive Brian Laundrie. Dog The Bounty Hunter is now officially out of excuses for not writing thank-you cards for gifts from his recent wedding.

Donald Trump’s TRUTH Social was immediately hacked after launch, with Trump’s own account depicting a pig defecating on its own scrotum. TRUTH Social execs disputed this, saying the picture was of Melania’s pet from her youth in Slovenia.

A 106-year-old woman in Pennsylvania, who credits her long life to a one-Yuengling Lager-a-day routine, received a special gift from the brewery. It’s a Lifetime Supply of beer, which in her case is a 12-pack.

A Tufts University women’s lacrosse player died from choking during a hot dog eating contest for charity. Other contestants tried, and failed, to save her using the Oscar-Mayer Maneuver.

Lauren Witzke, a losing Republican U.S. Senate candidate from Delaware who opposes vaccines and embraces QAnon theories, contracted COVID-19. Witzke says she has “lost her joy” – and by “joy” she means “lung function”.

Afghan news professionals predict a bleak future for their trade under Taliban rule, citing a recent episode of top-rated ‘Good Morning Kabul’ that was just three hours of hand-chopping videos.

Pfizer’s COVID vaccine is 90% effective in children ages 5-to-12. The other 10% are kids that ran and haven’t been caught.

Queen Elizabeth II spent the night in a hospital for “preliminary investigations”. She was sent back home the next day after doctors determined the stick up her ass hadn’t shifted.

Tesla owners are concerned about the Biden Administration possibly regulating Autopilot. The Administration counters that Autopilot oversight is needed because of climate change – Teslas on Autopilot are killng too many trees by crashing into them.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz failed to pay his bar dues and can no longer practice law in Florida. Gaetz did, however, pay the bar bills for multiple 16-and-17-year-old girls.

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U.S. surgeons successfully transplanted a pig kidney to a human patient for the first time. However, the human patient is brain dead, so he’ll never get a chance to thank the pig.

Human remains were found near the belongings of Brian Laundrie in a Florida nature preserve. The remains were located next to a family of alligators looking at the dessert tray.

Donald Trump launched a new social media app ‘Truth Social’. Although they’re considering changing the name to ‘Facebook’ once that name is let go by the current owners.

Five veterans have resigned from embattled Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema’s advisory board. Although Sinema’s representative said she asked them to leave because they don’t know how to send bribes in Venmo.

NASA built a working electric motorcycle for moon exploration. Unfortunately violent gang Moon’s Angels already claimed the Sea of Tranquility as their turf.

LEGO issued the long-awaited ‘Home Alone‘ playset, then promptly recalled it after dozens of children suffered severe burns and puncture wounds.

‘The Sopranos’ creator David Chase is reportedly in discussions with HBO Max on a prequel series, where the lovable gang learns how to mix & pour concrete and use guns.

A tiny crab found preserved in 100-million-year-old amber lived among dinosaurs, and is believed to be responsible for annoying tyrannosaurus jock itch.

Female lawyers and judges in Afghanistan are reportedly in constant fear under the new regime. “The whole TRIAL is out of ORDER!!” said Taliban Pacino Esq.

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos finally admitted that he “screwed up” – referring to his recent decision to air Rob Schneider’s stand-up special.

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The Rolling Stones retired the song ‘Brown Sugar’ over its racially-insensitive lyrics depicting slavery. Motley Crue also considered retiring songs that glamourize drug use and objectify women, before realizing they’d have no songs left.

Podcaster Joe Rogan contracted COVID-19 and is unvaccinated, but thinks Americans should get a vaccine and then get the COVID virus to build amazing antibodies. He’s also thinking of doing the same himself for the flu, AIDS and polio.

Donald Trump urged Republicans to sit out 2022 and 2024 elections unless the GOP acknowledges widespread fraud in the 2020 Presidential Election. Meanwhile Trump’s golf buddies plan to sit out games unless Trump acknowledges fraud on every scorecard he’s ever filled out.

Pakistan Airlines suspended flights to Afghanistan, citing extreme interference from the Taliban. Specifically, female flight attendants are being deemed too sexy when they show their hands to point out the exits or demonstrate how seat belts work.

10,000 United Auto Workers union members went on strike at Deere & Co. – makers of John Deere equipment. Factories have shut down because sympathetic employees won’t stage a Deere crossing of picket lines.

Trans employees and allies at Netflix plan a walkout on Wednesday, October 20th, to protest CEO Ted Sarandos’ comments supporting Dave Chappelle’s special ‘The Closer’, which they believe to be transphobic. Other employees plan a walkout to protest Rob Schneider’s Netflix comedy special just because it’s awful.

This weekend NASA’s 12-year ‘Lucy’ mission to explore Jupiter’s Trojan asteroids begins. Lucy spacecraft are being fortified with extra protection in case one of the Trojans breaks.

Laurel Grove Cemetery in New Jersey denies Jessica Tawil’s claims in a now-viral video that they stacked other bodies in her deceased sister Eman’s burial plot. This, despite a headstone reading ‘Vacancy’.

Cher is suing ex-husband Sonny Bono’s widow, Mary, saying Mary has withheld Cher’s royalties for their 1960s hits like ‘I Got You Babe’. Mary fired her lawyer for not working Pro Bono.

Pro golfer Hideki Matsuyama’s errant tee shot hit a spectator in the head, opening a cut that required six stitches to close, once Matsuyama hit the ball out of his skull with a 9-iron.

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The Taliban said they’ll reinstitute barbaric punishments for crimes, such as cutting off hands of convicted thieves. However, they said they’ll keep the hands on ice in case the defendants win their appeal.

Arizona’s election audit by controversial pro-Trump consultants Cyber Ninjas confirmed Joe Biden won the state by an even larger margin than originally counted. It also confirmed that they’re the only Ninjas that conspicuously draw attention to themselves.

A Florida high school janitor was sentenced to prison for recording students in the girls bathroom using a cell phone hidden in a handicapped stall. Two dozen girls await trial for making a handicapped girl wait to use the stall.

Singer Billie Eilish said she lost 100,000 Instagram followers after posting a photo “because they don’t like big boobs”. Her totals were quickly restored thanks to the rallying efforts of Instagram creeps.

A flight attendant posted a photo of a man she thinks may be fugitive Brian Laundrie, acting “flustered” as he exited a Toronto, Canada hotel. The photo was reviewed by forensics experts, who determined it was just some other balding weirdo.

RAVE Reviews, a product review platform, said new research names KFC as The Most Hated Fast-Food Restaurant in 14 countries, including diverse locations like Singapore, Turkey, New Zealand & France. KFC execs said they’re looking forward to expanding to Afghanistan and Haiti.

Costco is placing purchase limits on toilet paper, restricting members to just three 100-roll packs per visit.

Delta Airlines wants other carriers to share their no-fly lists of unruly passengers in order to keep them from causing disturbances. Spirit Airlines wants the list to offer them membership in their Platinum Club.

Microsoft is allowing some users early access to Windows 11, so they can experience what it’s like to have their computers bricked by the latest operating system.

Apple’s iPhone 13 is now available. Government forecasters estimate a 5% loss in global productivity as coworkers make the mistake of asking “Is that the new iPhone?”

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A Delta Airlines flight from Charleston to Atlanta left the departure gate with 182 passengers but only 180 seats. They returned to the gate where the two extra passengers deplaned and boarded their intended Spirit Airlines flight where they’d bought Lavatory Economy seats.

The first Pakistan Airlines flight since U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan arrived at Kabul Airport. The jet refueled and took off with 150 passengers on board, and 10 clinging to the landing gear.

A new survey says law enforcement officers are among the U.S. most unhappy employees, even more so now that it’s tougher to just shoot unarmed citizens to cheer themselves up.

World’s Strongest Man Hafthor ‘The Mountain’ Bjornsson says that it’s a mistake to train to failure – lifting weights until you cannot complete a proper repetition. “Good to know!” said obese Americans not training at all.

New York City schools reopened for the first time in 18 months. Students will be required to wear masks, and bullies will demand your lunch money be paid to them via Venmo.

Countries are wary of the United Nations’ request for aid to Afghanistan, given that they’re now under Taliban rule. So instead the Taliban started a GoFundMe to put new transmissions in attack helicopters left behind by the U.S. Army.

A Lowville, New York hospital will stop delivering babies due to workers quitting over a vaccine mandate. The hospital is hiring additional orderlies to keep babies from coming out.

Former Trump White House aide Steve Bannon ‘media-coached’ Jeffrey Epstein for 15 hours, since Epstein believed he was to be interviewed by 60 Minutes. After Epstein was jailed, Bannon coached him for 15 minutes on knot-tying.

Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett addressed the University of Louisville law school, telling them the high court is “not a bunch of partisan hacks”. “Speak for yourself” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Walmart said a press release annoucing a partnership with cryptocurency Litecoin is fake, while adding that they’re not going to endorse crypto when most Walmart customers barely know how regular money works.

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An Indiana University football player wore a jersey reading ‘INDINIA’ in Saturday’s game. The game marked a career high rushing day, with 120 yards for Indinia Franklin.

A girl died on a Colorado “Haunted Mine Drop” attraction, that plunges riders 110 feet into a mountain cavern. So far, investigators have ruled out ghosts.

A viral video shows a fight between two women on a ferry boat at Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. The fight broke up and EMTs arrived to reattach ears and feathers.

Universities reopened in Afghanistan following the government overthrow by the Taliban, with curtains separating male and female students in classrooms. It wasn’t all good news, as Kabul Tech fell 89-0 to Islamabad in the Middle East Conference Kickoff Classic.

Musk ducks are the only waterfowl capable of vocal learning and expression, according to a decades-old study in Australia. The study captured ducks repeating human phrases, and creating some of their own, like “I’m sick of eating wet bread”.

COVID-19 infection rates in South Dakota shot up 600% since the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally attracted a crowd of 250,000 people in August. Also shooting up – customers of drug-dealing bikers at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally.

A website where ‘whistleblowers’ can report Texas abortions was shut down for the second time. But it’s okay, because the site was aborted within six weeks of launch.

Richmond, Virginia will remove a statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee – to make room for a statue of Christopher Columbus that they bought on eBay.

Gymnast Simone Biles replied to criticism over her pulling out of Olympics events, writing “I can’t hear you over my 7 Olympic medals”. Other Olympians were unaware that the medals doubled as wireless Bluetooth speakers.

New studies find evidence of “superhuman” immunity to COVID-19 in some individuals. Oddly enough, none are Trump supporters who died after pledging to never wear masks or get vaccinated.

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San Francisco is paying $300 to parolees and other residents deemed “high risk” if they don’t shoot someone or get shot. One condition is that they don’t use the money for down payment on a handgun.

The new Apple Watch is reportedly running into production problems, which they’re calling “Back To School” for factory workers.

Texas’ new restrictive abortion law means women seeking an abortion will have to travel an average of 496 miles to get one in a different state. Southwest Airlines is offering limited-time $79 one-way ‘Don’t Ruin Your Life’ Fares.

A small group of women in Kabul protested for equal rights in Afghanistan. Then the Taliban showed up, and it was a smaller group of women.

91-year-old Former Roman Catholic Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, stripped of his title by Pope Francis, will go on trial for sexually assaulting a teen boy 50 years ago. McCarrick looks forward to his day in court, but expressed he’s not really into that guy anymore.

ABBA is releasing new music and will stage a concert where the members are represented on-stage as avatars. The avatars will be the Flintstones & Rubbles, and the concert will be called ABBA Dabba Doo.

Amazon is hoping to solve a delivery driver shortage by reminding applicants that they don’t screen for marijuana use. “Great, let us know about opioids and alcohol!” say other prospective hires.

Ownership of the NFL’s Buffalo Bills have released initial details of a proposed new 60,000 seat stadium. Critics expressed disappointment that the stadium will not have a roof, and is located in Buffalo.

Cannabis smoking lounges are growing in popularity in Illinois, owing to the state’s legalization of recreational use, and as some of the few locations where fans can purchase Phish and Blue Oyster Cult tickets.

Michael Davies, executive producer of ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?‘, will take over fired Jeopardy! e.p. Mike Richards job. As for Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, it’s “everyone who successfully sued Mike Richards for sexual harassment”.

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Mike Richards was fired as Executive Producer of both Jeopardy! and Wheel Of Fortune. Richards solved the puzzle M_K_ W_’R_ L_TT_NG YOU GO.

“Roaching” is the latest dating term among young adults, when they discover a partner has many other romantic contacts they don’t know about. Presumably “cockroaching” is when they discover numerous male romantic contacts.

The New England Patriots cut QB Cam Newton. He was ordered to turn in his playbook, as well as Coach Belichick’s copies of every other NFL team’s playbook.

Three unvaccinated comedians died of COVID-19 after participating in a ‘clean’ comedy contest. “What the frick?” they said from their ER beds.

An 80-pound female cougar kept as a pet was rescued from a NYC apartment. The owner didn’t care since he found a woman under 40 anyway.

Republicans are threatening telecom companies that comply with the Congressional January 6th Committee request for their private texts and messages. So far they have nothing to worry about, as Democrats are still on hold with Verizon, Xfinity, AT&T, etc.

Chloe Mrozak, 24, of Illinois, was arrested for using a fake COVID-19 vaccination card to enter Hawaii indicating she’d taken the “MADERNA” shots. Mrozak emailed her parents, saying she was stuck in a Hannalooloo jail.

A Texas school district closed after two teachers died of COVID-19. They tried to remain open, but dozens of children collapsed from exhaustion during the district’s contingency plan of all-day gym class.

A Sacramento school district says that 29 of its students remain stuck in Afghanistan. Worse, the Taliban took, and are beating them with, their marching band instruments.

Pope Francis said in an interview he never considered resigning his post, after surgery to remove half his colon. “Hey, if I didn’t quit over all those molested boys, I’m not quitting over this” he said.