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First Lady Melania Trump underwent surgery Monday to treat a benign issue with her kidney.  While there, she’s expected to consult with physicians regarding a treatment plan for the 250-pound malignant tumor that periodically appears on her side.

Melania is expected to remain hospitalized for several days, but was still able to announce the promotion of three 25-year-old former college football players to her personal Secret Service detail.

Researchers at UCLA say they’ve transplanted “memories” from one snail to another by transferring RNA. Animal rights activists condemned the procedure, since the memories were from a snail suffering PTSD acquired during Operation Slow-Moving Storm.

The Supreme Court struck a victory for states rights, voting 6-3 to allow individual states to generate revenue via sports gambling — delighting gamblers who had taken the Over at 5.5.

Google is changing the name of its cloud storage service from Google Drive to Google One, so now you can save files you’ll probably never use or see again to Google One.

According to the Blue Cross/Blue Shield Association, diagnoses of ‘major depression’ have increased by 33 percent in the last five years. Although further review of the data found most of those depression diagnoses were from mid-November 2016 on.

Meghan Markle’s 71-year-old father will not be attending the Royal Wedding on Saturday. He cites embarrassment over photos he’d commissioned to familiarize himself with British customs, and not the tickets he won to a Kenny Chesney concert on the same day.

Consulting company Korn Ferry estimates that the average starting salary for a four-year college graduate in 2018 is $50,390. Or, if you exclude salaries from graduates of the University of Phoenix, it’s $75,390.

Another Southwest Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing after the cabin lost pressure, part of Southwest’s new Wanna Get Away On A Depressurized Flight? Fares.

Researchers fear a deadly new pig virus -porcine deltacoronavirus -can spread to humans. They remind everyone, especially farmers, to wear condoms.

A Salmonella outbreak linked to eggs has sickened five more people. The CDC states they’re having trouble quantifying egg-related illnesses caused by salmonella, now that Taco Bell serves breakfast.

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President Trump plans to issue an order to deploy National Guard troops to the Mexican border, stating that they’ll protect the border “until there’s a wall”. Bricklayers who are also in the National Guard are lined up at their doctor’s offices getting notes about their bone spurs.

Skeletal remains found in a Long Island basement were identified as Louise Pietrewicz, a woman missing since 1966. The home once belonged to a married policeman, who was the prime suspect in her disappearance, but who took advantage of detectives too lazy to look for his missing girlfriend’s body in his basement.

A Chinese student is being deported for paying $3,000 to have an impostor take an English-language entrance exam to get into an American university. The good news is she can still complete her University of Phoenix degree online.

WWE Hall of Famer “Luscious” Johnny Valiant died after being struck while crossing the street. Witnesses say he bounced off one guard rail, then the other, before flipping and landing on his back. EMTs arrived, slapped the pavement three times and that was it.

Steven Spielberg said in an interview that, in the future, the next ‘Indiana Jones’ could be played by a woman. Spielberg continued by saying the first 20 minutes would be female Indiana Jones trying on hats to find the right one.

Donald Trump Jr. posted an Instagram photo of his sons playing with their aunt, Tiffany Trump. One of the boys, a four-year-old, posted the same photo to his Instagram account with the caption “feeling up this blond at my grampa’s Easter party.”

tiffany trump

The Food & Drug Administration issued a warning on abuse of loperamide, the active ingredient in anti-diarrheal Immodium, saying addicts are taking hundreds of pills at a time to achieve a methadone-like high and because they hate using public restrooms.

Jay-Z told David Letterman that he cried happy tears when his mother came out to him as gay. But then he cried sad tears when he found out how few words rhyme with ‘lesbian’.

Channing Tatum and wife Jenna Dewan are splitting up, but insisted there are no “secrets” or “salacious events” behind the separation. In a statement, the couple requested privacy as they look forward to independently creating secrets and salacious events.

April 5th is National Burrito Day. Although a coalition has formed in the Northeast to move it to a date later in the spring when it’s warm enough to leave windows open.

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Harley Davidson says it’s on track to deliver its first electric motorcycle in 18 months, giving biker gangs time to redirect a portion of their drug sales to charging stations.

The State of California may require a cancer warning on coffee. Starbucks plans to stay ahead of the requirement with its introduction of the Chemolatte.

Melania Trump attended President Donald Trump’s first State of the Union address wearing white after Labor Day, Christmas Day, New Years Day and Stormy Day.

The First Lady rode separately to the State of the Union, so she could practice giving the silent treatment to the heroes attending as guests riding with her.

Brenda Fitzgerald, Director for the Centers for Disease Control, resigned after it was revealed she bought and sold stocks in tobacco companies. Her resignation comes just prior to the release of her first tobacco-related report: ‘Cigarettes – At Least They’re Not Ebola’.

A Wall Street Journal report states that elite colleges and universities like University of Pennsylvania and Georgia Tech spend as little as 8 minutes reviewing student applications. Conversely, a spokesperson for the University of Phoenix said they typically take up to three full days waiting for the check to clear.

Russia’s government warned that locusts could destroy the grass fields at FIFA World Cup 2018 stadiums, and have added increased border security to prevent winged insects from the U.S. traveling to disrupt the outcome.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s website introduced a new line of bath salts called Goop Bath, and was promptly sued by a porn company for trademark infringement.

Amy Duggar, niece of ’19 Kids and Counting’ reality stars Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, said that she wants to adopt the 13 abused Turpin children, so that they can get the 1-on-50 attention that only the Duggar family can provide.

Mel Gibson is reportedly working on a sequel to Passion of the Christ; the working title is Passion of the Christ 2: Die Harder. [h/t to Jeff Ost]

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Warren Sapp, fired from NFL Network in 2015 after hiring a prostitute at the Super Bowl, confirmed a network wardrobe stylist’s story that Sapp gave her sex toys as Christmas gifts three years in a row. Sapp said in a radio interview: “I’m still trying to figure out where’s the sexual harassment?”  Apparently, it was under the office Christmas tree.

Trump aide and former ‘Apprentice‘ contestant Omarosa Manigault Newman resigned from her communications role and was reportedly escorted off the White House campus. President Trump tweeted his thanks for her service, then promptly hired ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ champion and Poison frontman Bret Michaels to pick up where she left off.

Documentary director Morgan Spurlock admitted to a history of sexual misconduct, as social media braced for a flood of Super Size Me jokes.

A U.K. surgeon was charged with assault after he admitted to carving his initials on the livers of his patients during transplant operations, after encasing their livers in wet concrete.

The San Francisco SPCA is using robot security guards to keep the homeless away from its campus. The SPCA said the robot costs $6/hour to operate, vs $16 or more for a human guard. “We’ll do it for free – just let us out of here a few hours” said SPCA resident dogs.

Alabama Senator-elect Doug Jones said that he received a “very gracious” phone call from President Donald Trump.  Jones said Trump invited him to the White House, then gave him a list of Alabama barbecue restaurants and detailed take-out orders.

The White House withdrew its support for Brent Talley, a Trump nominee for a Federal judgeship who has never tried a case, and who’s been a lawyer for less than three years. Reached for comment, Talley said “Sustained!”

The CEO of Coinbase – one of the largest cryptocurrency exchanges and a popular tool for Bitcoin traders – authored a blog post urging people to “invest responsibly”. Asked to clarify ‘responsibly’, he said “not Bitcoin.”

In Philadelphia, a cow escaped from a live nativity scene. The cow was captured in a hotel parking garage and arrested for offering an undercover cop $50 to get milked.

Disney has finalized a $52.4 billion deal to acquire 20th Century Fox movie studio and other Fox film and tv assets – clearing the way for Die Hard: Mickey Mouse.

The U.S. Education Department reports that nearly 5 million Americans are in default on student loans, while the University of Phoenix reports record high placement in the food service and rideshare industries.