The CEO of Keurig resigned after violations of the company’s Code of Conduct. He was caught in the break room having sex with a coworker and – even worse – drinking two cups of coffee at a time.

Outgoing Wyoming Representative Liz Cheney called this year’s election results “a big win for Team Normal”, adding.. “I wish I hadn’t waited so long to join Team Normal”.

Gisele Bundchen purchased a Florida mansion next to one being built by ex Tom Brady. If she wants to keep an eye on Brady, Bill Belichick told her he could send his video guys.

Cryptocurrency exchange FTX filed for bankruptcy. Account holders are unhappy with the company’s promise to pay out their balances with Sad Monkey NFTs.

China’s Singles Day – the world’s biggest annual shopping event – totaled over $1 trillion yuan for the first time. Also for the first time, somebody bought a size Large sweater.

The United States Mens National Soccer Team officially confirmed the 26 players they’ll send to Qatar to get their asses kicked and eliminated in the World Cup.

The City of Philadelphia said they’ll replace the worn and faded international flags that line the Ben Franklin Parkway. They hope to have the flags in time for an Eagles playoff win so local drunks can climb the poles and hang ’em.

Twitter’s Head of Trust & Safety resigned after two weeks under Elon Musk’s leadership. Musk is interviewing candidates for the newly-formed Head of Distrust & Danger position.

A woman in Thailand, Phonchanok Srisunaklua, faces criminal prosecution for a viral video where she eats a bat. Her attorney claims she’ll fight the charges, citing that she was sitting in a KFC.

Sophia Rosing, the University of Kentucky student arrested for racial slurs and physical violence toward a black student and police, has been permanently banned from campus. Her family said she’ll seek treatment while she deliberates over acceptance letters from the University of Alabama and University of Mississippi.

Chet Hanks, son of actor Tom Hanks, said he didn’t grow up with a “strong male role model”. Hearing this, Tom Hanks immediately gave Chet Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray.

President Biden said his “sense” is that Russia will invade Ukraine over the next several days. Biden added that his senses have been pretty accurate lately, having correctly guessed ‘meatloaf’ for Wednesday dinner at the White House.

New Jersey police are under fire for breaking up a fistfight at a mall, then handcuffing a black teen as the white teen he faught watches from a bench. Cops said they intend to make up for it by awarding a title belt to the black teen for a TKO.

Players of Wordle are upset that a recent solution, CAULK, is too obscure and wouldn’t be known to younger users. Meanwhile, residents of Mississippi and Alabama are still upset that they can’t find the game at all because they can’t spell WORDLE.

Tiger Woods and his girlfriend went out to dinner in Santa Monica, California, nearly a year after his infamous car wreck. He chose to have a valet park his car upside-down in a highway median.

The United States reported its 100,000th death from COVID-19 in 2022 – so the lab technician in Wuhan, China updated the ‘Accomplishments’ section of his resume.

A missing 64-year-old Nevada woman was rescued after dangling from a tree on a steep slope near her home. Her son called the rescue a “miracle”, while mountain lions at the bottom of the slope with napkins around their necks called it “disappointing”.

Following Bob Saget’s family’s lawsuit to keep autopsy information private, his Full House co-star Candace Cameron Bure said “a lot of questions” remain about his death. She spoke on the set of her new Lifetime movie ‘What Fractured Bob Saget’s Skull?’

Kanye West followed Pete Davidson’s new Instagram account, and promptly slid into Pete’s DMs – death messages.

NFL QB Aaron Rodgers and actress Shailene Woodley broke up. Just as Rodgers said he was “innoculated” against COVID, he claims he’s still engaged – “engaged” in banging famous hot chicks.

A New York man has a record-breaking 864 tattoos of insects on his body. “Is that a mosquito between your legs or is now just a bad time?” asked a prospective sex partner.

The FAA can levy a $30,000 fine and confiscate the drone of anyone flying theirs within 34 miles of SoFi Stadium around the Super Bowl. A 12-year-old L.A. boy who just wants to see the girl next door naked is expected to ask his parents for $30,399.

Argentinians are being urged to throw out cocaine after opioid-tainted batches killed 23 and put another 80 people in intensive care. The product has been pulled off the shelves of all Argentina Big Lots.

Jackass Forever premiered in theaters on Friday, and is also being considered as the slogan for a Donald Trump candidacy in 2024.

Amazon Prime is raising its price to $139, citing higher costs of shipping & Prime Video programming, and also the money it’s thinking of paying to Joe Rogan’s brother Moe Rogan to start a podcast.

Tesla recalled more than 800,000 vehicles to fix an issue with its “full self driving” software, and is also doing body work on the ones that crashed into telephone poles driving themselves in to the dealership.

COVID-19 cases are now trending downward in every U.S. state except for one. “We’ll get there!” said Alabama Governor Kay Ivey as she rode her donkey into work.

Kohl’s department store board of directors are attempting to fend off a hostile takeover from an activist investor group. It’s believed to the first time anyone’s attempted to acquire a publicly traded company with coupons.

Billionaires want to build “mixed use business parks” in low-earth orbit. And you think your commute is terrible now..

Netflix plans to release over 70 movies in 2022, including Knives Out 2, Enola Holmes 2, Pinocchio, and the rest are Adam Sandler movies.

Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx appeared on ‘Dr Phil’ to tell a ‘catfished’ woman that he really didn’t propose marriage to her. “Thank you Dr Phil, good..you’re the one who made me feel alright.” she said.

A new lawsuit claims Subway restaurants have no actual tuna in their tuna salad. The claim is supported by a whistleblower cat, hired by Subway to eat mice and lick counters clean.

Alabama’s coronavirus positivity rate is the highest in the nation. “Hooray!” said Alabamians who still don’t get what ‘positive’ means.

Post Cereals acknowledged there’s a nationwide shortage of Grape Nuts, coinciding with a nationwide shortage of dentist appointments to fix broken teeth.

A storm packing 80mph winds toppled 15 giant sequoia trees in Yosemite National Park. The park suffered over $200 million in damages, and a GoFundMe was established to benefit dozens of homeless squirrels.

Encrypted messaging app Signal added new mainstream chat features, in order to appeal to a wider audience of people seeking to overthrow their government.

A Louisiana cemetery refused to bury a black sheriff’s deputy because it sold plots in the 1950s promising “whites only”. The deputy may still be interred there, because dead bigots said they’d only be buried with blacks “over their dead body”.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg said they intend to “turn down the temperature” and downplay divisive political posts in News Feeds. “Alright, we’re back in business!” said kittens.

Hobby Lobby said it will discontinue 40% off coupons, responding to intense criticism from grandchildren getting crappy homemade birthday gifts instead of money.

Kraft is launching a pink-colored version of its macaroni & cheese for Valentine’s Day. For the next two weeks, poison control centers are being told to expect frantic calls from parents mistakenly thinking their toddlers are throwing up blood.

After an injection with mushroom tea, a man was discovered to have hallucinogenic ‘magic’ mushrooms growing in his blood. He opened a concession stand selling it to vampires at Phish concerts.

President Jimmy Carter posed with a guitar made with wood from a tree he’d planted. It sounds better than the one he had made from peanut shells.

Australia will euthanize a pigeon that flew all the way from Oregon. “Great, kill the messenger”, said the pigeon.

New Jersey teachers are outraged that smokers are prioritized to get the COVID-19 vaccine before they are, and are even more jealous of the hot-looking teachers who smoke.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner reportedly prevented Secret Service agents from using the bathrooms in their house, so they had to rent a nearby apartment. However, as a goodwill gesture, Jared donated his old copies of Juggs magazine for them to read.

Donald Trump reportedly told aides not to pay lawyer Rudy Giuliani’s $20,000/day legal fees. Fortunately, after 40-plus failed lawsuits, Trump has accumulated enough Rudy Reward Points to settle most of his bill that way.

Airlines are temporarily banning passengers bound for Washington DC airports from checking firearms in their bags. However, Spirit Airlines is offering an in-flight deal where you can purchase a bulkhead row seat and handgun for just $449.

Newly-elected Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville called for delaying the inauguration of Joe Biden, and was informed the inauguration date is in the Constitution. He then asked one of his assistants how many timeouts he had left.

Melania Trump tweeted about the “legacy” of her Be Best anti-bullying inititative. So far as anyone can tell, the legacy is a truckload of Be Best t-shirts ready for shipping to the next victims of an earthquake.

NASA abandoned its InSight mission to drill 10 feet in to the surface of Mars, because the soil would clump and prevent the drill from entering. It’s now a race against time to get the drill back to Earth before Home Depot refuses to refund the purchase.

Researchers found evidence that the longest snake native to North America is breeding in the wild in Alabama – where it’s attached to a redshirt freshman for the Crimson Tide.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are reportedly “still reeling” from Harry & Meghan’s royal exit. They’re apparently overwhelmed having to pick up the slack telling Harry & Meghan’s servants which chores to do.

The Chinese market designated ‘Ground Zero’ for the deadly Wuhan coronavirus reportedly sold wolf, rat, snake, and other exotic meat. Vendors defended the practice, saying it’s all antibiotic-&-cage-free.

Shanghai Disney theme park is closing over the Lunar New Year holiday because of the epidemic, saying they couldn’t find face masks big enough for Goofy & Donald.

New York City is reportedly planning to ban cashless businesses. They say the city’s panhandlers are starving to death trying to collect money with Venmo.

A 51-year-old Massachusetts woman was arrested for pooping eight separate times in the parking lot of a sporting goods store. Police spotted her defecating out the door of her SUV, then moved in. Cops are calling it “the worst stakeout ever.”

Retired MLB star Alex Rodriguez joined Anheuser-Busch as a co-owner of the beer maker’s Presidente brand. Like A-Rod, the brewer is expected to repeatedly lie about what’s in it.

Uniontown KOA in Pennsylvania’s Allegheny Region as named KOA’s 2020 Campground of the Year. It was praised for its modern amenities, and for being next to a nice hotel where you can stay instead.

An Outback Steakhouse in Oregon is testing video surveillance to monitor server interaction with customers, speed of food delivery, and how much spit is in the Bloomin Onions.

Two women – a doctor and a reality tv star – are opening a new vaginal rejuvenation clinic in Philadelphia. The grand opening is today, after months spent on necessary steps like getting a cheesesteak vending license and hazmat certification.

 

The “entirety of Florida” could be hit by Hurricane Dorian when it makes landfall. It’s so scary, Disney World suspended Mickey Mouse for audibly cursing when he saw the weather report.

President Trump complained that Fox News “doesn’t work for us anymore”.  A visibly shaken Sean Hannity was seen being consoled about the potential breakup.

Justin Bieber led a worship service at his church. Jesus showed up and asked Bieber to stop calling him ‘baby’.

Retired NFL receiver Joe Horn thinks the league should switch from tackle to touch or flag football. Just in case it really happens, the New England Patriots equipment staff is sewing flags to belts so they can’t be pulled off.

USWNT soccer star Carli Lloyd kicked a 55-yard field goal at a Philadelphia Eagles practice. Some wondered whether Lloyd could make an NFL roster – with many doubting teams would use timeouts while Lloyd tried on different shoes before going out.

After giving up 10 runs in his latest appearance, New York Mets pitcher Noah Syndergaard said he’s “sick and tired” of being unathletic on the mound. He’s asked teammates in confidence if they, too, have ever had that “not so fresh” feeling.

Alice Marie Johnson, who Kim Kardashian helped get out of a lengthy prison term for a drug offense, is modeling Kardashian’s new SKIMS shapewear line – saying she wished she had SKIMS for years so she could fit into a size 8 prison jumpsuit.

Robert Downey Jr said in an interview that he “knew it was time” to retire from the Marvel Cinematic Universe — apparently when he read an Iron Man 4 script that had Tony Stark develop a talking cane.

Alabama Governor Kay Ivey apologized for wearing blackface in a racist skit when she attended college at Auburn University in the 1960s. Or, as they called it at Auburn University in the 1960s, a Drama Department audition.

 

 

Warren Sapp, fired from NFL Network in 2015 after hiring a prostitute at the Super Bowl, confirmed a network wardrobe stylist’s story that Sapp gave her sex toys as Christmas gifts three years in a row. Sapp said in a radio interview: “I’m still trying to figure out where’s the sexual harassment?”  Apparently, it was under the office Christmas tree.

Trump aide and former ‘Apprentice‘ contestant Omarosa Manigault Newman resigned from her communications role and was reportedly escorted off the White House campus. President Trump tweeted his thanks for her service, then promptly hired ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ champion and Poison frontman Bret Michaels to pick up where she left off.

Documentary director Morgan Spurlock admitted to a history of sexual misconduct, as social media braced for a flood of Super Size Me jokes.

A U.K. surgeon was charged with assault after he admitted to carving his initials on the livers of his patients during transplant operations, after encasing their livers in wet concrete.

The San Francisco SPCA is using robot security guards to keep the homeless away from its campus. The SPCA said the robot costs $6/hour to operate, vs $16 or more for a human guard. “We’ll do it for free – just let us out of here a few hours” said SPCA resident dogs.

Alabama Senator-elect Doug Jones said that he received a “very gracious” phone call from President Donald Trump.  Jones said Trump invited him to the White House, then gave him a list of Alabama barbecue restaurants and detailed take-out orders.

The White House withdrew its support for Brent Talley, a Trump nominee for a Federal judgeship who has never tried a case, and who’s been a lawyer for less than three years. Reached for comment, Talley said “Sustained!”

The CEO of Coinbase – one of the largest cryptocurrency exchanges and a popular tool for Bitcoin traders – authored a blog post urging people to “invest responsibly”. Asked to clarify ‘responsibly’, he said “not Bitcoin.”

In Philadelphia, a cow escaped from a live nativity scene. The cow was captured in a hotel parking garage and arrested for offering an undercover cop $50 to get milked.

Disney has finalized a $52.4 billion deal to acquire 20th Century Fox movie studio and other Fox film and tv assets – clearing the way for Die Hard: Mickey Mouse.

The U.S. Education Department reports that nearly 5 million Americans are in default on student loans, while the University of Phoenix reports record high placement in the food service and rideshare industries.

 

Google is launching an artificial intelligence research center in China. The launch has been delayed as two top executives of the center have already been dismissed for sexual harassment of sentient robots.

The crew aboard the International Space Station will be getting a special screening of Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Although astronauts are balking at the $650,000 price tag for a bucket of popcorn and large Coke.

Democrat Doug Jones was declared the winner of the U.S. Senate race in Alabama, defeating Republican Roy Moore. With Moore projected to have so much free time, shopping malls in Alabama are increasing security details.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced its newest inductees, including Bon Jovi, Cars, Moody Blues and Dire Straits. Among bands failing to make the cut – Radiohead, who finished the voting slightly behind The Noise An Old Dial-Up Modem Makes.

Following Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s call for him to resign, President Trump tweeted that she is a “lightweight” and a “flunky” who “would do anything” to get campaign contributions from him. “Yeah! She’d do anything for money!” said First Lady Melania Trump.

USA Today issued a scathing editorial Wednesday, saying Trump was unfit to clean the toilets at the Obama or George W. Bush libraries. Considering he can barely bend over to pick his own golf ball out of the cup, they may have a point.

In Indiana, a 2-year-old boy watching his sister’s 5-year-old junior wrestling match ran into the ring and tried dragging her opponent away. The referee halted the match momentarily, as the girl wrestler scolded her brother for white-knighting and being part of the under-6 wrestling patriarchy.

To cope with record online consumer spending and package delivery volume, UPS implemented a 70-hour, eight-day workweek for its drivers. “That’s it?” said Chinese teenagers assembling iPhones.

Following NFL Network’s suspensions of on-air talent for alleged misconduct, sports reporter Lindsay McCormick said that the NFL Network’s former head of hiring talent asked her in a job interview if she planned to get “knocked up”. The man claimed he was referring to the network’s poorly-named weekly montage of helmet-to-helmet hits, ‘Knocked Up’.

Cheshire Cheese Company in the U.K. is introducing Gin & Lemon flavored cheese, hoping to expand its market to fans of rapper Snoop Dogg.

 

Alabamians decide between Republican Roy Moore and Democrat Doug Jones to see which man represents the state in the U.S. Senate. While some project a record turnout, others are not as confident, once residents learned that voting won’t count as credit toward their GED or community service.

Veteran NPR host Tom Ashbrook has been suspended for sexual misconduct, accused of giving “creepy sex talks and unwanted back and neck rubs” – made possible via a generous grant from Exxon/Mobil.

President Trump recorded a robocall endorsement of GOP candidate Moore that went out to Alabama residents on Sunday. It would have gone out sooner, but Trump said the robot didn’t meet him on the golf course like he’d asked.

Speaking at a pre-election rally, Roy Moore’s wife Kayla addressed critics who say her husband doesn’t support blacks or Jews by asserting that “one of our lawyers is a Jew.” And “I think a couple of our ‘Bama running backs are blacks.”

SpaceX is sending barley seeds to the International Space Station, as part of a research project for Budweiser. Although the astronauts conducting the research are asking that they be paid for it with “good” beer.

NFL Network suspended current studio analysts Marshall Faulk, Ike Taylor and Heath Evans after a former wardrobe stylist sued the network for sexual harassment. A judge in the case issued a gag order on puns involving “pass” “run” and “illegal use of hands.”

Facebook is reemphasizing the Poke, an early feature that users could click to get another Facebook friend’s attention. So go ahead and Poke that woman you’ve never met in real life and see how that works out for you.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson announced via Instagram that he and girlfriend Lauren Hashian are expecting a baby girl.  No word on the due date, just a teaser poster of the infant soaring out of the birth canal behind the wheel of a 600 horsepower Dodge Challenger.

Personal injury attorney Thomas J. Henry threw a $4 million dollar birthday party for his son’s 18th birthday, featuring celebrity appearances, performances by Diplo and Migos, and the gift of a new blue Ferrari. Asked if there was anything he didn’t get, the birthday boy said “a hug.”

President Trump signed an executive order to put U.S. astronauts back on the moon. Trump said “we will .. plant our flag and leave our footprint, then pull the flag out so I can finish putting.”