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Pillsbury is recalling bread flour for possible e.coli contamination. If you press the Doughboy’s stomach on an affected bag, he’ll giggle, then vomit and shit himself.

Gloria Vanderbilt died at age 95. Hundreds of mourners are expected at the funeral to see which outfit she would be caught dead in.

  • Vanderbilt’s calling hours will feature her being pushed down a funeral home runway every five minutes showing off pieces from her Fall Collection.

Boeing officially apologized to families of victims who died in 737 MAX aircraft crashes. In turn, families turned on the ‘You’re Getting Sued’ sign.

Two people were shot at the Toronto Raptors victory parade. NBA officials took several minutes reviewing video to decide if the shots were two-or-three pointers.

Author Suzanne Collins announced the 2020 release of a prequel novel to The Hunger Games series, entitled Let’s Eat, Katniss!

A new NYU study claims life expectancy in large cities like Chicago could vary by as much as 30 years depending on your zip code. In a related story, Chicago’s criminal gangs  successfully applied to get their own zip codes.

Harvard and Japanese scientists are claiming a breakthrough in anti-cancer drug development, synthesizing compounds from sea sponges. Cancer sucks, but the sponges suck cancers.

A Maryland woman whose husband died at a Dominican Republic resort says officials there recommended his cremation. Officials denied trying to hide the cause of death, they just said cremation was covered in the price of the all-inclusive resort.

Cardi B split the seat of her jumpsuit twerking onstage at Bonnaroo music festival. Tailors around the world agreed it was far too much to ask of a single stitch.

Wildwood, New Jersey plays host to the National Marbles Championship. The winners receive scholarships and the honor of being the only people vacationing in Wildwood, NJ not to lose their marbles.

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First Lady Melania Trump’s parents, Amalija and Viktor Knavs of Slovenia, became U.S. citizens this week. They recognized the milestone with an original speech that they co-wrote with their daughter, which they called the ‘Pledge of Allegiance’.

President Trump again criticized NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem during preseason games, leading Commissioner Roger Goodell to launch an investigation to find out how Fox News aired NFL preseason football games.

According to a survey from Match.com, New York had the highest 2016 average cost of a date – two restaurant dinners, a bottle of wine and two movie tickets – at $297. The measure doesn’t include the cost of pepper spray and a getaway Uber for dates who choose not to have sex after someone spent almost three hundred bucks.

HGTV won the bidding and purchased The Brady Bunch House in California. They plan to feature the home in a new remodeling show, where three men and three women restore the interior while forming a really crappy band.

A new University of Michigan study of online dating behavior looked at tens of thousands of messages in four U.S. cities: Chicago, Seattle, New York & Boston; and found that Asian women and older white men received the most messages. Although it turned out the study authors found that the older men were repeatedly messaging Asian women, who repeatedly messaged back to leave them alone.

According to Nielsen ratings, Nickelodeon’s ‘Henry Danger’ is the #1 rated show on cable tv among teens aged 12-17, except in households where parental controls have been cracked, where the top show is Anything With Nudity.

In Conestoga, PA, a septic truck driver lost control and flipped his truck in to a homeowner’s backyard pool. Asked to describe the smell of diesel fuel, oil and human waste, the fire chief told reporters “use your imagination…..or, just visit Wildwood Beach, New Jersey.”

Buffalo Wild Wings is considering allowing sports wagering in its 1,200 restaurants, saying they think customers will want to gamble on games — and lose — the same way they gamble — and lose — on ‘B-Dubs’ overpriced wings.

The world’s oldest hotel, Nishiyama Onsen Keiunkan, a resort near Mt. Fuji, has been managed by the same family for 52 generations and been open since 705 A.D. The new issue of Travel & Leisure magazine recognized them for having ‘the world’s oldest, most disgusting duvet covers’.

Facebook is shutting down ‘Friend List Feeds’, the customized feeds that showed only posts from select people. Facebook will be replacing it with ‘New Russian Friends Whether You Like It Or Not’.