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‘The Bachelor’ Peter Weber and Madison Prewett reportedly broke up just days after Weber selected Prewett on the series finale. They’re taking some time apart before looking to meet people on other tv shows.

Comcast announced they’re providing free broadband to low-income households during the coronavirus crisis. To qualify, customers just need to call a toll-free number and speak to a live person, which should take about three weeks.

Ikea launched a new Botanisk line of indoor gardening products. So, good luck figuring out how to put together a fern.

The wife of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau tested positive for coronavirus. Nine out of ten women still say they’d trade places with her.

A viral video shows people in Siena, Italy – quarantined within their houses – joining together in song at their windows. The sad part is the song was ‘Seasons In The Sun’. [story h/t to Joe M.]

The PGA Tour announced The Masters tournament will be postponed. In its place, CBS Sports will air four days of Tiger Woods painting a small deck and watching it dry.

Buffalo Wild Wings is changing its order sizing. Instead of ordering small, medium, or large portions of wings, customers will now order by quantity of 6, 10, 15, 20 or 30 wings. Amidst the change, company executives assure the public that the wings will still suck.

Ring upgraded its latest doorbell security cameras with new crime-prevention upgrades, including precise motion-tracking zones, dual-band wifi compatibility, and bullets.

Starbucks CEO says its stores may temporarily ban in-person orders. Customers will have to use mobile or drive-thru ordering, and ask for baristas’ help stealing Splenda packets.

A Missouri third-grade teacher is encouraging students to wash their hands by ink-stamping them in the morning with her name, ‘Mrs. Woods’, then making sure it’s washed off by day’s end. An 11th grade teacher is doing the same, but students are wondering why her phone number is on it too.

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Mickey & Minnie Mouse, 91 years old each, finally have their own ride at Disney World: ‘Mickey & Minnie’s Runaway Railway’. It was supposed to be ‘Mickey & Minnie’s Railway’, so now you know why Disney didn’t want them having their own ride.

A New York City lawyer with coronavirus is listed in ‘severe’ condition, but his close friends say he’s motivated by the massive lawsuit he’ll file if he ever gets out of the hospital.

Senator Richard Blumenthal has asked U.S. airlines to immediately waive change and cancellation fees because of the coronavirus, and to waive change and cancellation fees for trips on Spirit Airlines just because.

A director at the Centers For Disease Control said that, to fight coronavirus, Americans may need to take a break from their normal daily routine for two weeks. “Okay, if you think it’ll help” said serial killers.

Buffalo Wild Wings is letting two contest winners live inside of a Chicago area location for one night during the ‘March Madness’ NCAA Mens Basketball tournament. The best part is they can watch all the games they want, but no one will make them eat there.

Ikea recalled another 820,000 dressers because of the risk of their falling on to small children. Ikea said owners can return the dressers, but not their children.

Do-it-yourself fecal transplants – used to put healthy bacteria in the colon to treat bowel disorders – are found to improve symptoms in 82% of people. The other 18% are sh*t out of luck.

Michael Bloomberg is ending his presidential bid after spending half a billion dollars on advertising. “Mike Will Get It Done” will long be remembered as the slogan of a guy who blew half a billion dollars on advertising when he could have bought a hockey team.

Flavor Flav gave his first interview since being fired as a member of Public Enemy, 90 percent of which was the ‘Y’ sound in the word ‘boy’.

Alaska Airlines, Southwest, United and Hawaiian all announced low fares on flights to Hawaii, so book now if you’ve ever dreamed of spending two weeks in a tropical hospital.

 

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China is accusing the United States of spreading fear about the Wuhan coronavirus. Meanwhile, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he cured it.

A newly discovered cannabis compound has been shown to be 30 times more potent than THC, the psychoactive agent in marijuana. It was discovered when a lab technician smoked Snoop Dogg’s hair.

A new video showed that Beyonce and Jay-Z sat through Demi Lovato’s performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. The couple said that’s because somebody usually does a rendition just for them in their luxury box.

The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the San Francisco 49ers to win the Super Bowl. Chiefs coach Andy Reid addressed the media, saying “I’ve gotta do a better job…that one’s on me and my staff” before being reminded that he won.

Google Photos is testing an $8/month subscription service where they send you prints of randomly selected photos. You also have the option of selecting categories like “pets”, “landscapes”, or “the neighbor’s bedroom window”.

Stephen King announced he’s leaving Facebook. It only took him 450 pages.

Six passengers were shot early Monday morning on a Greyhound bus headed from Los Angeles to San Francisco, effectively ending the sing-a-long.

Bernie Sanders said, if elected, he’ll legalize marijuana in all 50 states on Day 1 of his presidency, to the delight of people too baked to bother voting.

Website TheDailyMeal rated Duff’s of Buffalo the best chicken wings in the United States. A spokesperson for Buffalo Wild Wings responded to the article, saying “we’re sorry your tester got so sick.”

Drug kingpin El Chapo’s daughter, Alejandrina, married Edgar Cazares in Mexico. The bride wore a white lace dress, a tiara, and a four-kilo dowry in her bra.

 

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Chile is cancelling the Global Climate Summit, saying it should be relocated to Warm.

Couples are abandoning the ‘Honey-Do’ list, using project management apps to create ‘Shared Labor’ lists and using date nights to compare chores. Husbands and wives are both calling this “the worst date of their lives”.

Richard Gere, 70, is expecting his second child with wife Alejandra Silva, 36 – earning him the coveted title Senior American Gigolo.

Jed Duggar, 20, of ’19 Kids and Counting’ is running for state representative in Arkansas. However, early polls show him carrying just 40% of his household.

The Cleveland Browns released safety Jermaine Whitehead following a series of tweets where he threatened to shoot and kill fans who criticized his play. Other players were happy they now know what it takes to get cut by the Cleveland Browns.

61% of American parents say they financially supported an adult child during the past year. 39% said giving a baby up for adoption seemed tough at first, but really paid off in the long run.

Employees of Buffalo Wild Wings were fired for ordering a mixed-race family not to sit near a racist regular who frequented the restaurant. The employees said they didn’t know this was different from regulars asking not to sit near Dallas Cowboys fans.

Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin intends to challenge his 5,800-vote election defeat to challenger Andy Beshear. Any resulting recount may take months, as state officials look for Kentucky residents who can count up to 5,000.

A Pennsylvania woman is charged with accepting over $10,000 in donations while she faked colon cancer. Donors grew suspicious when she said her chemotherapy was administered via chemically altered topping on her cheesesteaks.

A 14-year-old girl won a science contest for inventing a system to eliminate blind spots in cars.  Then her mom rear-ended a vehicle on the drive home while texting everyone the good news.

 

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The U.S. Army may change the eligibility rules for burial in Arlington National Cemetery. One rule expected to remain unchanged is that you need to be dead.

The original crossbreeder of Labradoodle dogs says he regrets creating “Frankenstein’s monster”, citing his opinion that the dogs are either crazy or have a hereditary problem. His complaints are echoed by the guy who spent years trying to cross Great Danes and Chihuahuas.

A woman author, Katee Robert, released a new series of books, Wicked Villains, that feature Disney villains in kinky erotic scenarios. They’re so hot, Donald Duck walked in on Daisy Duck reading one with her pants off.

The NBA is reportedly requiring all teams to certify player’s height & weight during the first week of training camp. “Fine, but what’s with the fingerprints and DNA samples?” asked NBA players.

Inspire Brands, owner of Sonic, Arby’s and Buffalo Wild Wings, is acquiring Jimmy John’s sandwich shops. Inspire’s CEO said they wanted another brand to give customers heart disease, but a lot slower.

A gas station owner in Maryland has completely transitioned it to charging electric vehicles. The owner said he was frustrated with the way petroleum suppliers structured contracts, and that he wasn’t meeting enough douchebags.

The Anti-Defamation League said in a new report that the “OK” hand gesture is now a hate symbol. So stick to “thumbs up” at your kid’s soccer game to tell them they’re doing a great job.

Residents of San Francisco neighborhoods are trying to keep the homeless off the streets in front of their homes by placing large boulders on the sidewalk. They say the idea came from not seeing any homeless drug addicts in Bedrock.

Facebook will hide the number of Likes a post gets in order to minimize envy. Users will now just post how many Likes they got from previous posts in order to restore envy.

Uber is creating an incubator for new business ideas – because they want to give business opportunities to leering creeps who don’t own or drive a car.

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Ten Philadelphia Police Academy recruits resigned after officials found they planned to cheat on an exam. Philly cops were happy with their decision, saying that, lacking proper training, the rookies wouldn’t know how to properly split bribes.

Knoxville police arrested Dorrae Johnson for DUI and found a dead man’s torso in the car. Johnson hit the deceased, split him in two, and left half the body at the scene. He was charged with homicide and using the carpool lane with less than two whole occupants.

7-Eleven is offering delivery of its most popular items. Store owners will now go to your house to be robbed.

Over twenty Hollywood stars presented a 10-act staging of the Mueller report Monday evening. Said the playwright, “There are no small parts, just some obstructions of justice smaller than others.”

Bernie Sanders announced a plan to retire all $1.5 trillion of outstanding student debt. He was immediately presented with an invoice for $1 billion from the bursar’s office of Trump University.

Eldorado Resorts will acquire Caesars Entertainment Corporation for $8.58 billion. They’re good for it..they just need a little more time to come up with the money.

A new app, Bye Bye Camera, removes all people from the photos. Instead of selfies, it takes nobodies.

At a Buffalo Wild Wings near Los Angeles, a live rat fell from the ceiling on to a customer’s table. The restaurant was shut down as the manager determines how the rat got from the fryer to the ceiling.

Walmart is using artificial intelligence to reduce theft at its self checkout kiosks. In addition to “scan your next item” and “place the item in the bagging area”, the kiosks also say “freeze dirtbag you’re under arrest”.

Five men are dead after a golf course argument in California erupted in gunfire. Police are examining shell casings and scorecards to see how many shots it took them to finish five holes.

 

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First Lady Melania Trump’s parents, Amalija and Viktor Knavs of Slovenia, became U.S. citizens this week. They recognized the milestone with an original speech that they co-wrote with their daughter, which they called the ‘Pledge of Allegiance’.

President Trump again criticized NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem during preseason games, leading Commissioner Roger Goodell to launch an investigation to find out how Fox News aired NFL preseason football games.

According to a survey from Match.com, New York had the highest 2016 average cost of a date – two restaurant dinners, a bottle of wine and two movie tickets – at $297. The measure doesn’t include the cost of pepper spray and a getaway Uber for dates who choose not to have sex after someone spent almost three hundred bucks.

HGTV won the bidding and purchased The Brady Bunch House in California. They plan to feature the home in a new remodeling show, where three men and three women restore the interior while forming a really crappy band.

A new University of Michigan study of online dating behavior looked at tens of thousands of messages in four U.S. cities: Chicago, Seattle, New York & Boston; and found that Asian women and older white men received the most messages. Although it turned out the study authors found that the older men were repeatedly messaging Asian women, who repeatedly messaged back to leave them alone.

According to Nielsen ratings, Nickelodeon’s ‘Henry Danger’ is the #1 rated show on cable tv among teens aged 12-17, except in households where parental controls have been cracked, where the top show is Anything With Nudity.

In Conestoga, PA, a septic truck driver lost control and flipped his truck in to a homeowner’s backyard pool. Asked to describe the smell of diesel fuel, oil and human waste, the fire chief told reporters “use your imagination…..or, just visit Wildwood Beach, New Jersey.”

Buffalo Wild Wings is considering allowing sports wagering in its 1,200 restaurants, saying they think customers will want to gamble on games — and lose — the same way they gamble — and lose — on ‘B-Dubs’ overpriced wings.

The world’s oldest hotel, Nishiyama Onsen Keiunkan, a resort near Mt. Fuji, has been managed by the same family for 52 generations and been open since 705 A.D. The new issue of Travel & Leisure magazine recognized them for having ‘the world’s oldest, most disgusting duvet covers’.

Facebook is shutting down ‘Friend List Feeds’, the customized feeds that showed only posts from select people. Facebook will be replacing it with ‘New Russian Friends Whether You Like It Or Not’.

 

 

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YouTube apologized for a widely-reported glitch in its search algorithm. When users entered the query “How to have..”, YouTube completed it with suggestions like “..sex with children.” Users who searched “How to have sex with children” were taken to the YouTube channel of ‘Roy Moore for Senate’.

The FBI reported a record number of background checks for gun purchases on Black Friday, although many buyers decided to skip the waiting period and buy Assault Weapon Gift Cards instead.

Lyft received approval to test self-driving cars on public roads in California, but only after regulators made them put mannequins of old Asian women behind the wheel, so human drivers will have someone to be angry at.

Arby’s announced a $2.4 Billion acquisition of Buffalo Wild Wings, then threatened to call off the deal when they found out blue cheese costs extra.

National massage chain Massage Envy is accused of 180 sexual assaults. Most all of the accusers are women, and a few men who mistakenly used the word “happy” during their session.

Conservative billionaires the Koch Brothers funded $600 Million of Meredith Publishing’s planned acquisition of Time, Inc. Time’s CEO assured employees that the Kochs’ views will not influence Time publications’ content; however, Sports Illustrated magazine has been told to rush work on February’s Pantsuit Issue.

Facebook is using artificial intelligence to detect suicidal posts before they’re reported by users’ friends. Facebook execs said the tool has been tested extensively and now knows to exclude weekend posts from Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills fans.

CBS cancelled Jeremy Piven’s freshman drama ‘Wisdom of the Crowd‘ after 13 episodes, proving the crowd really does have wisdom after all.

England’s Prince Harry is engaged to American actress Meghan Markle. The news was broken when Markle’s iCloud account was hacked, revealing dozens of nude selfies of her wearing only a tiara.

President Trump caused controversy when he met with Native American World War II veteran ‘Code Talkers’ to again call Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas’. After the meeting, the decorated veterans called Melania Trump a Navajo name meaning “Woman who poses naked for money.”

 

 

 

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A giant 13-by-13 foot concrete swastika was unearthed beneath a sports field in Hamburg, Germany. German officials intend to destroy it with jackhammers, but only after President Trump deemed it too expensive to transport to Washington.

A female Twitter user’s hack for sneaking food into movie theaters by using a fake foam ‘baby bump’ has gone viral; since then, dozens of women have been thrown out of cinemas after their Mountain Dew broke.

John Lasseter, writer/creator of the Toy Story movies and Chief Creative Officer of Pixar/Disney Animation, is taking a six-month leave of absence amid accusations of sexual misconduct by female employees. Lasseter will spend time-out dreaming up new adventures for Woody.

Saudi Arabia plans to issue its first tourist visas in 2018, and at the same time will introduce ‘Saudi Prime’, which includes free two-day shipping for incoming brides.

A 6-year-old Wisconsin girl shot and killed a six-point buck, the first to do so after the state nixed its minimum hunting age. Her father – who was with her – was reportedly “beaming”. Her 4-year-old brother is reportedly “terrified.”

Uber paid a $100,000 ransom to hackers who stole the data of 50 million riders and 7 million drivers. Investigators believe the hackers were competing taxi drivers, since they wouldn’t accept a credit card.

While smoking is still the number one cause of cancer, updated research from the American Cancer Society attributes an increasing number of cancer-related deaths to obesity and alcohol consumption – leading some doctors to lobby for warning labels on the floor mats at Dunkin Donuts and Buffalo Wild Wings.

New data from the Centers for Disease Control reveal the drunkest city in every U.S. state – except for Kentucky and Tennessee, where multiple cities are in the midst of a lengthy binge to break each’s 10-way tie.

Atlanta imploded the Georgia Dome, the biggest collapse the city has witnessed since the Super Bowl.

The Wall Street Journal reports that many Chief Financial Officers are discontinuing the use of Microsoft Excel, saying the ubiquitous spreadsheet software hasn’t kept up with modern financial analysis needs such as large data manipulation, and modeling payouts to executives dismissed for sexual harassment.