Taylor Swift blacked out all of her social media accounts on Friday – delighting fans by taking one of the most controversial weeks in recent history and trying to make it about her.

The ghostwriter of Donald Trump’s book ‘The Art of the Deal’ said in an interview that he thinks Trump will resign the Presidency. He said this after completing a first draft of ‘The Art of Resigning the Presidency.’

Malala Yousefzai will study at Oxford University. Admissions staff said her SAT scores were lousy, but that her life experience is slightly above average.

White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon is out; Bannon said that he looks forward to having more free time to suck his own c*ck.

The White House named 28 year old Hope Hicks as Interim Communications Director. ‘Interim’, in this case, meaning ‘the time it takes to say the word ‘interim”.

  • Hicks joins 31 year old Stephen Miller and 11 year old Barron Trump as the youngest soon-to-be-former members of the White House staff.

The Boston Red Sox are considering a change to Yawkey Way, the street that borders Fenway Park, in light of Thomas Yawkey’s racist legacy. Frontrunners for the new name are Big Papi Boulevard and Yankees Suck.

Alaska Airlines is offering a special solar eclipse day flight that departs Portland at 7:30a.m. and seeks to follow the totality of the event for two hours. The captain will leave the seat belt sign on the whole time, and window seats are reserved for elite frequent fliers who will leave the shade down so they can nap.

Congressional Democrats, angry over Trump’s post-Charlottesville comments, are seeking to have him censured. Trump is asking whoever is left on his staff what false teeth have to do with anything.

Foot Locker reported disastrous sales results, sending the stock price down 25%, citing the fact that nobody is buying expensive sneakers. The winners?…cheap Moms who know your real friends like you for who you are, not for what you have.

Secretary of State and former Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson said that “hate is not an American value” — leading Trump to question how long he’s lived in the U.S. and whether or not he was born here.

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