Monday Jokes. University of Missouri Spankological Protocol! Stranded Bachelor Bros!

A new study from the University of Missouri finds that spanking children does not change their behavior. It does, however, change parent’s behavior — making them big fans of spanking.

A group of men having a bachelor party, stranded on a sandbar off the South Carolina coast, was rescued by the Coast Guard. However the Coast Guard has suspended the ocean search for a seriously sunburned stripper.

A Japanese bar is using macaque monkeys as waiters & waitresses to entertain tourists. The monkeys bring food and drinks to the table, then grossed-out patrons summon a human to take it all back.

The Secret Service states that they’ve depleted their budget due to the expense of protecting President Trump’s large family and accompanying him on golf trips. That, and Eric Trump is making them pay for their own greens fees, carts and meals.

Major League Baseball umpires are donning white wristbands to protest verbal abuse by players, and what they claim is the Commissioner’s weak discipline of offending players. The umps may have to change from white to a different color, since many of them are mistaking the wristbands for the ball and calling them strikes.

Elon Musk has called for a ban on autonomous killer robots – which he calls a bigger potential threat to humanity than nuclear weapons. He made the statement during a keynote address to an annual meeting of autonomous non-killer robots building Tesla cars and SpaceX rockets.

NASA released a photo of the International Space Station crossing the path of the solar eclipse. NASA thanked the ISS Crew, then rushed a launch sending a new crew, since all of the astronauts on the Station were blinded while taking pictures.

Google introduced its new Android operating system, Oreo. Google begs everyone to remember that this is just named after a cookie, not anything racist.

Maine’s Republican Governor Paul LePage said that removing Confederate statues is like taking down 9/11 memorials. Maine has neither, so the Governor commissioned a sculpture of Robert E Lee crashing a giant bird into George Washington’s boat as he crossed the Delaware.

In 2020, Volkswagen will introduce a fully-electric version of its iconic 1960s/70s Minibus, a favorite of road-tripping hippies during the era, who spawned the phrase “ass, gas or grass – nobody rides for free.” The new vehicle slogan is “hugs, drugs or electric plugs – nobody rides for free.”


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