Taylor Swift released her new album, Midnights, then several hours later released the ‘3a.m. Edition’ of the album featuring seven new songs, after she remembered seven more guys who’d dumped her.

Elon Musk plans to cut 75% of Twitter’s staff if he buys the company, with the rest hanging on by a Twitter thread.

Netflix added a disclaimer of “fictional” to Season 5 of its series ‘The Crown’, which follows the drama of Britain’s Royal Family, after viewer backlash. However, they still refuse to add a disclaimer of “dull”.

Netflix is also planning to film a new Adam Sandler movie with ‘Uncut Gems’ writer/director partners the Safdie Brothers. Right now it’s only referred to as ‘Untitled Adam Sandler Project And NO, Rob Schneider & Kevin James Can’t Be In It.’

Steve Bannon is scheduled to be sentenced today following his conviction for Contempt of Congress. Bannon is expected to fight the sentence, as well as any requests to get his to shave or shower beforehand.

Girl Scouts of America received its largest-ever individual donation, $84.5 million, from Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, philanthropist MacKenzie Scott. Said Scott, “now get me the goddamned Thin Mints.”

New York City opened a tent camp to house immigrants bused there by southern U.S. states. The immigrants are unexpectedly finding themselves fighting for tents with NYC residents because they’re nicer than their apartments.

Motley Crue and Def Leppard announced a 2023 World Tour, giving fans in South America and Europe the chance to see & hear for themselves that Vince Neil can’t sing anymore.

James Corden, who’d reportedly apologized for his rude behavior to restaurant servers, now says in a New York Times interview “I haven’t done anything wrong, on any level”. This comes as news to anyone who watched ‘Cats‘.

Fashion house Balenciaga terminated their relationship with Kanye West over his anti-Semitic remarks. However, West is expected to sign a deal with Wrangler jeans, who say if they worked with Brett Favre, they might as well work with this guy.

Hooters servers are complaining about the chain’s new uniforms, saying the black shorts are ‘more like underwear’ and result in near-constant wedgies. A Hooters spokesperson said of the complaints “that’s sort of the point”.

Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker proposed to Kourtney Kardashian. Kardashian said yes after consulting with producers, and will get around to telling her three kids.

Actress Jessica Chastain agreed to nude scenes in HBO’s ‘Scenes From A Marriage’, provided her co-star Oscar Isaac “show the same” as her. Critics and viewers both expressed their disappointment with Oscar Isaac’s boobs.

A University of Wisconsin study showed mice placed on intermittent fasting diets lived longer – compared to mice given a diet of peanut butter, who died prematurely from a spring loaded steel bar breaking their necks.

The January 6th Commission is expected to vote on criminal contempt charges for Steve Bannon, leading to his arrest. Right now police are trying to find handcuffs with a chain long enough to reach around his belly.

Evander Kane of the NHL San Jose Sharks has been suspended for 21 games for submitting a fake COVID-19 vaccination card. Officials determined the card’s Johnson & Johnson vaccine certification was actually the sticker off a baby shampoo bottle.

Kidnappers in Haiti are demanding $17 million to free American & Canadian missionaries held hostage. Their churches say they have the ransom, they just can’t find anyone willing to go to Haiti to drop it off.

Federal agents reportedly ambushed Severin Beckwith – a Brian Laundrie look-alike -while Beckwith hiked the Appalachian Trail. Feds realized their mistake and released Beckwith, who resumed burying the girlfriend he’d murdered.

A new People magazine article on the late Mary Kay Latourneau claims she had regrets over her affair with a 12-year-old boy – mainly because there was a 13-year-old she had her eye on.

Megan Thee Stallion shared a photo commemorating her one-year anniversary with boyfriend Pardi Fontaine. Megan holds a cocktail glass between her buttocks as Fontaine sips it with a straw. She then twerked, leading to Fontaine requiring ten stitches to close the cuts.

A Delta Airlines flight from Charleston to Atlanta left the departure gate with 182 passengers but only 180 seats. They returned to the gate where the two extra passengers deplaned and boarded their intended Spirit Airlines flight where they’d bought Lavatory Economy seats.

The first Pakistan Airlines flight since U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan arrived at Kabul Airport. The jet refueled and took off with 150 passengers on board, and 10 clinging to the landing gear.

A new survey says law enforcement officers are among the U.S. most unhappy employees, even more so now that it’s tougher to just shoot unarmed citizens to cheer themselves up.

World’s Strongest Man Hafthor ‘The Mountain’ Bjornsson says that it’s a mistake to train to failure – lifting weights until you cannot complete a proper repetition. “Good to know!” said obese Americans not training at all.

New York City schools reopened for the first time in 18 months. Students will be required to wear masks, and bullies will demand your lunch money be paid to them via Venmo.

Countries are wary of the United Nations’ request for aid to Afghanistan, given that they’re now under Taliban rule. So instead the Taliban started a GoFundMe to put new transmissions in attack helicopters left behind by the U.S. Army.

A Lowville, New York hospital will stop delivering babies due to workers quitting over a vaccine mandate. The hospital is hiring additional orderlies to keep babies from coming out.

Former Trump White House aide Steve Bannon ‘media-coached’ Jeffrey Epstein for 15 hours, since Epstein believed he was to be interviewed by 60 Minutes. After Epstein was jailed, Bannon coached him for 15 minutes on knot-tying.

Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett addressed the University of Louisville law school, telling them the high court is “not a bunch of partisan hacks”. “Speak for yourself” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Walmart said a press release annoucing a partnership with cryptocurency Litecoin is fake, while adding that they’re not going to endorse crypto when most Walmart customers barely know how regular money works.

MLB’s Miami Marlins hired the league’s first female general manager, Kim Ng. She’s charged with changing the team’s trajectory from lose ng to win ng.

A Pennsylvania judge ruled in favor of Donald Trump’s lawyers in a dispute regarding a deadline extension for a small amount of unverified ballots. This improves Team Trump’s record in post-election lawsuits to 1 win, 100 losses.

A pediatrician at a Louisiana children’s hospital was arrested for calling a teen girl the n-word, then punching her, in a racially motivated attack. The doctor was placed on leave, and the hospital is looking for a new Santa for the holiday party.

Mark Zuckerberg said Steve Bannon – who said Anthony Fauci and FBI Director Christopher Wray should be beheaded – “didn’t violate enough policies” for suspension from Facebook. However, Bannon was kicked out of the scrapbooking group where he posted his video.

Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela said she’s “really enjoying” her career as a sex worker – but added she could do without all of the clients in E.T. costumes.

The new MeowTalk app claims to translate cat’s meows in to one of nine requests. Eight of them are “I’m hungry” and the ninth one is “I’m getting hungry”.

Florida GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz posted a photo with Tiffany Trump, putting to rest rumors that Tiffany Trump is transgender Matt Gaetz.

Over 130 Secret Service Agents are in quarantine or infected with COVID-19 in the wake of Donald Trump’s rallies and campaigning. Teenagers playing Call of Duty online are reportedly tired of getting their asses kicked.

South America’s Pantanal region – the world’s largest wetlands – is on fire. “Now what do we call it?” said environmentalists.

Seven passengers tested positive for coronavirus aboard the SeaDream1 – the first passenger cruise ship to relaunch since the pandemic. They’re being quarantined until they can be upgraded to the ship’s norovirus deck.

Chipotle employees made a behind-the-scenes video, sharing the recipe and preparation of their cilantro/lime rice. It’s so simple, Taco Bell is showing the video to the mice in their kitchen so they can make it.

An Ellen Degeneres tweet from 2009 resurfaced, where she says she “made an employee cry like a baby” and it “felt good”. As it turns out, the employee cried because Ellen surprised her with a cruise…to the unemployment office.

With Sturgis Motorcycle Rally over, the city of Sturgis will begin mass testing of city workers, first responders and others for COVID-19, and will throw in a gonorrhea test for free.

The COVID-19 pandemic is creating a trend of working mothers quitting their jobs to stay home with their kids. Enterprising kids are training their moms with new skills to get them back out of the house so they can be alone again.

The Florida Keys will release 750 million genetically-modified male mosquitoes in the hope of eradicating females that carry diseases like zika and dengue fever. The females die when the see the males’ tiny gold chains and smell Drakkar Noir.

The Cincinnati Reds suspended broadcaster Thom Brennaman after he was caught on a live mic calling an unknown area “the f#g capital of the world”. Brennaman apologized and left midgame, and the Reds switchboard was bombarded with calls from people wanting to know where to visit the capital.

Former White House adviser Steve Bannon was arrested & charged with defrauding donors to the ‘Build The Wall’ campaign. Bannon will claim that he did, indeed, use donations to build a wall around his new pool.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft won his latest appeal to supress video evidence in his prositution case in Florida. In a one-word opinion, the presiding judge wrote “gross”.

Marijuana vending machines debuted in Colorado. Long lines formed as stoners took forever smoothing out $1 bills.

Two giant gold nuggets worth $250,000 were found in Australia. Rapper L’il Wayne is waiting for the prospectors to find two more so they can be made into his new grill.

A couple who met on an Internet dating site were found guilty of plotting an ISIS-inspired bomb attack during Christmastime in Britain. During questioning, the man admitted to being lured by the catchy jingle of Terroristsonly.com

According to CBS News, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has told workers to decide by the end of January if they plan on leaving in 2018.  “Probably” replied Melania.

Former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told CNN that former Trump chief strategist Steve Bannon was a “bad hire”; causing Homeland Security to raise the Domestic Irony Threat Level from Orange to Red.

Steve Bannon stepped down as President of Breitbart News Network on Tuesday. Breitbart released a statement that Bannon was leaving to focus on a new site dedicated to couture fashion, grooming and sobriety.

A Louisiana woman lured an Uber driver to her house where she kissed him while topless so that her boyfriend could rob him. The couple were arrested. The woman received a one-star review for the cancelled trip, and a three-star review for her breasts.

A new study links ibuprofen to reduced sperm count in men, although the study’s author warned women asking if their partner ‘has protection’ should not accept ‘Advil’ as an answer.

A Philadelphia woman had her money and car stolen by two other women while she worked out at Planet Fitness. The thieves remain at large, and the victim was barred from Planet Fitness for judging them.

Harvey Weinstein was pummeled by a man in a drunken rage at an Arizona resort, after Weinstein refused to pose for a photo with him. Police arrested the man and Weinstein returned to his room, put on only a bathrobe, and waited for help to arrive.

According to the Daily Mail, 95-year-old Marvel Comics creator Stan Lee has been accused of sexual harassment by female nurses. The women allege that Lee groped them, walked around naked in their presence, and repeatedly asked if their Spidey Sense was tingling.

Airfare data firm Fare Compare released its list of the “Worst Days to Fly” in 2018. Dates include Presidents Day weekend, the March start of Spring Break, and red-eye flights after any pilot’s birthday happy hour.

 

Delta Airlines agreed to purchase up to 200 new Airbus jets.  The first jets are set to be delivered in 2020, but Delta told Airbus not to rush, they’re not really all that concerned with on-time arrivals.

Two Florida women accused of shoplifting in Best Buy by placing items in an empty baby stroller were caught after crashing their getaway car. One of the thieves made a last ditch effort to fool arresting officers by breast-feeding a stolen Xbox.

Both Steve Bannon and President Trump have urged Roy Moore to concede defeat to Doug Jones in the race for U.S. Senate earlier this week. Moore has yet to do so, saying he’s awaiting results of a recount and that he left his phone in his horse’s saddlebag.

Reports suggest that Kim Jong Un’s top military aide, Vice Marshal Hwang Pyong-so, has been executed. Hwang was last seen on October 13th modeling his Donald Trump Halloween costume and asking around about Christmas bonuses.

ABC’s Robin Roberts bid a snarky ‘Bye Felicia’ to outgoing Trump aide Omarosa Manigault Newman, leading Omarosa to reply by calling Roberts ‘petty’ and declaring ‘black woman civil war – the first civil war ever declared over black women’.

Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is rumored to be retiring from politics at the end of 2018 – a move expected to leave GOP congressmen scrambling to find a new leader for midday P90X sessions.

400 Subway franchise owners signed a petition protesting the planned return of the sandwich chain’s $5 Footlong promotion in January, saying that their profits are already strained from switching to chemical-free bread and using real mayonnaise instead of drywall spackle.

Facebook is adding a 30-day ‘Snooze’ button so that you can take a break from a person, page or group, after research showed users preferred telling annoying Facebookers they were asleep instead of saying they unfriended them.

Peyton Manning surprised travelers at Denver International Airport when he dropped in on a football trivia contest being held there. He missed the first six questions and was benched in favor of a traveling hardware salesman whose flight was delayed by snow.

A Boston Globe report states that women working at ESPN face a culture of rampant sexism and hostility. The report claims several women went so far as to try and hide their pregnancies, but keen-eyed Jon Gruden used super slo-mo and a telestrator to highlight their concealed baby bumps.

 

 

Taylor Swift blacked out all of her social media accounts on Friday – delighting fans by taking one of the most controversial weeks in recent history and trying to make it about her.

The ghostwriter of Donald Trump’s book ‘The Art of the Deal’ said in an interview that he thinks Trump will resign the Presidency. He said this after completing a first draft of ‘The Art of Resigning the Presidency.’

Malala Yousefzai will study at Oxford University. Admissions staff said her SAT scores were lousy, but that her life experience is slightly above average.

White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon is out; Bannon said that he looks forward to having more free time to suck his own c*ck.

The White House named 28 year old Hope Hicks as Interim Communications Director. ‘Interim’, in this case, meaning ‘the time it takes to say the word ‘interim”.

  • Hicks joins 31 year old Stephen Miller and 11 year old Barron Trump as the youngest soon-to-be-former members of the White House staff.

The Boston Red Sox are considering a change to Yawkey Way, the street that borders Fenway Park, in light of Thomas Yawkey’s racist legacy. Frontrunners for the new name are Big Papi Boulevard and Yankees Suck.

Alaska Airlines is offering a special solar eclipse day flight that departs Portland at 7:30a.m. and seeks to follow the totality of the event for two hours. The captain will leave the seat belt sign on the whole time, and window seats are reserved for elite frequent fliers who will leave the shade down so they can nap.

Congressional Democrats, angry over Trump’s post-Charlottesville comments, are seeking to have him censured. Trump is asking whoever is left on his staff what false teeth have to do with anything.

Foot Locker reported disastrous sales results, sending the stock price down 25%, citing the fact that nobody is buying expensive sneakers. The winners?…cheap Moms who know your real friends like you for who you are, not for what you have.

Secretary of State and former Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson said that “hate is not an American value” — leading Trump to question how long he’s lived in the U.S. and whether or not he was born here.

Claire Smith will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, the first woman to receive the prestigious Spink Award for baseball writing. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred congratulated her and said he can’t wait to see her bronze bust in the Hall.

Tobacco stocks dropped sharply as the FDA announced its goal of making tobacco products less addictive by reducing the nicotine in them. The Marlboro Man reacted to the news by announcing he’s switching to heroin.

President Trump traveled to Long Island to address the local and national impacts of ruthless street gang MS-13. Trump was briefed on gang culture en route with an inflight showing of West Side Story.

  • The President shut it off after the big “America” song & dance number, and switched to Property Brothers for the remainder of the trip.

Trump told the Long Island audience he would destroy MS-13, leading Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to inquire with the gang about being duked in.

MS-13 gang membership continues to grow, as global economies struggle, and as the gang continues to offer top-tier health care.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was in El Salvador to talk with officials there about halting MS-13 migration and crime in the U.S. His efforts fells short, as several gang leaders traveled back to the U.S. with Sessions while disguised as male flight attendants.

Sessions addressed Trump’s mean tweets directed at him, calling him “weak” and “beleaguered”, saying they were “kind of hurtful”. This, on the same day White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci called Chief of Staff Reince Priebus “a paranoid schizophrenic” and said Senior Policy Advisor Steve Bannon “suck[s] his own [penis].” White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders announced the opening of a Hallmark Store in the West Wing, where staffers could buy cards to make amends for the terrible things they’re saying to each other.

Senator John McCain cast the deciding vote just after 1a.m. to send the GOP “Skinny Repeal” Health Care Bill to a 51-49 defeat. Women’s activists too issue with the characterization of McCain as hero, since Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski opposed the bill and its introduction to the floor. Male senators moved in to mansplain why women shouldn’t feel so bad.

The Emoji Movie opened Friday to brutal reviews, receiving just one Fresh review and a 3% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. Voice actors include TJ Miller, Maya Rudolph, and Patrick Stewart as Poop. It’s the second time Stewart has voiced Poop, following his continued work on American Dad.

Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman John Urschel retired from the NFL at age 26 to pursue his Ph.D. at MIT. His teammates wished him well, but said they’ll continue to play and get their Ph.D. in CTE.

Apple officially killed off the iPod Nano and Shuffle – but tell that to your cheapskate parents, who think they’re still perfectly good.