Wednesday Jokes: Sept 6

Hurricane Irma is expected to hit South Florida later this week. Experts are concerned that it will arrive as a Category 5 hurricane, but expressed hope that Irma will pass through EPCOT Center and die of boredom.

  • Florida residents are being told to either evacuate, or take cover in the nearest sinkhole.

Madonna told her Instagram followers that she’d moved to Lisbon, Portugal over the summer. She would have shared the news sooner, but needed time to perfect a phony Portugese accent.

A 9 year-old Turkish boy with a rare cardiac condition – Brugada syndrome – had his heart stop as he bit in to a hot dog. He was resuscitated, and finished the hot dog after his mother cut it in to small pieces.

The WNBA Atlanta Dream fired coach Michael Cooper after sending him a text reading ‘we need to talk’.

Avocado prices are soaring to record highs. Chipotle workers are now saying “a lot more”.

The Boston Red Sox are accused of stealing signs from the New York Yankees during games this past weekend using iPhones and an Apple Watch. The cheating was confirmed when Red Sox coaches congratulated the Yankees baserunners on reaching 10,000 steps.

  • Red Sox coaches admitted to Major League Baseball officials that they made pitching changes to stall for time while waiting for iOS Updates.

President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced plans to revoke DACA – Deferred Actions for Childhood Arrivals – raising fear among  ‘Dreamers’, illegal immigrants who arrived in the U.S. as children. Apple and Microsoft, however, promised to shield their ‘Dreamer’ workers, since those iPads and laptops aren’t going to build themselves.

A Swiss firm, Barry Callebaut, has introduced ‘red chocolate’, made from what it calls ruby cocoa beans. Red chocolate would join dark, milk and white chocolates as a cheap way to get through Valentine’s Day.

The Vice Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Stanley Fischer, announced he is stepping down October 13th. Fed Chairman Janet Yellen said that she is now planning the world’s most boring retirement party in the break room.





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