Tuesday Jokes: Sept 12th

J.J. Abrams has replaced Colin Trevorrow as the director of Star Wars: Episode IX. Trevorrow was reportedly unhappy with the script, and Disney execs found his lack of faith disturbing.

Apple held an event at its headquarters introducing the iPhone 8.  CEO Tim Cook told attendees no device has ever put as much power in to people’s hands – a claim disputed by men whose wives are holding the tv remote.

Amazon’s patent on 1-Click Shopping is set to expire next week, opening the door for other websites to make it just as easy to accidentally spend hundreds of dollars while drunk.

Nordstrom announced plans to open a new store in California that will be carry no clothing inventory.  Their research showed that women wanted to sit in traffic and fight for parking before doing online shopping at a mall.

Beth Mowins became the first woman to do play-by-play for an NFL telecast, calling the Monday night Chargers/Broncos game for ESPN. Mowins teamed with analyst & former NFL coach Rex Ryan. Asked what she’ll remember most, Mowins said ‘wearing garbage bags over her feet’.

The NFL’s regular season begun, with fans getting a look at the updated concussion protocol. Players are now evaluated in a closed tent on the sidelines in order to minimize distractions, and allow players multiple guesses of how many fingers doctors hold up.

A study published in the medical journal Annals of Internal Medicine linked long periods of excessive sitting with early death. The study is seen as especially bad news for cats.

Puppies for sale at Petland pet stores have been linked to 39 cases of campylobacter infections in humans – which is transferred by touching the puppies’ feces and results in diarrhea and vomiting. The puppies claim it’s their only defense against going home with owners they don’t like.

Lady Gaga announced that she suffers from fibromyalgia, and will sing to her doctor to decide which treatment is right for her.

The Oakland A’s announced their 2018 schedule, and will offer free admission to the Tuesday, April 17th night game against the Chicago White Sox.  A spokesman for Stubhub said that the price is in line with what most fans are willing to pay for A’s games this year.



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