Researchers created a male birth control pill that stops sperm from swimming for an hour after being taken – or, about 20 times more effective than it has to be.

Kia & Hyundai dealers are offering free software updates for over a million cars to repair a vulnerability where they can be started using a USB port. Thieves who intended to steal updated cars while parked will be offered free carjacking lessons.

The operator of a basketball free-throw game on the Jersey Shore boardwalk was banned 10 years for rigging the games by overinflating the balls. Additionally they were fined 20,000 stuffed animals.

As inflation drives the national average price of a dozen Grade A large eggs to $4.79, a Walmart deal offering 18 eggs for $2 went viral. Walmart verified that the deal is genuine, and even offered journalists a tour of the seagull hatchery.

A new study links sleeping pill use with an increased risk of dementia. Or maybe it was a different pill, the study participants aren’t really sure.

John Travolta vowed never to be with another woman following the death of wife Kelly Preston – which pretty much confirms all the rumors.

Florida wildlife researchers tracked and killed an invasive Burmese python, a 66-pound female carrying 100 eggs. The researchers were then arrested for violating the state’s abortion laws.

Legendary actress and sex symbol Raquel Welch passed away at age 82. She will be laid to rest in a specially-designed 36DD casket.

Kendall Jenner was accused of Photoshopping her latest bikini photos because of the unusual appearance of her hands. Jenner denied the claims, saying she doesn’t know how to use a computer or smartphone.

Former NFL head coach and ESPN Sunday NFL Countdown panelist Rex Ryan is a candidate for the Denver Broncos defensive coordinator job. He reportedly interviewed with Broncos head coach Sean Payton, until Payton begged him to shut up.

CNN declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party this Friday, citing the President’s continued attacks on freedom of the press. The party is seen as a time for reporters to mingle with administration officials, and to hear carolers sing some of the President’s seasonal favorites like “White Christmas” and “Blood and Soil”.

Melania Trump also declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party, saying she has a thing she booked over a year ago.

A New Hampshire doctor who refuses to use a computer lost her medical license, but continues to practice because she never got the email.

Victoria became the first Australian state to legalize euthanasia. Soon, terminally ill patients will be able to box a kangaroo to their death.

Bitcoin topped $11,000 for the first time, leading confused, cash-strapped seniors to turn the pockets of their church pants inside-out looking for one.

Matt Lauer was fired by NBC News after a report of sexual misconduct at the Sochi Winter Olympics. The news was reported by NBC’s Brian Williams, who filed a story that he witnessed the alleged misconduct, rescued the woman and then won a gold medal in men’s alpine ski jumping.

The United Kingdom will allow over-the-counter Viagra sales starting in the spring. The move is expected to create hundreds of new jobs as middle-aged men pay teenagers to go buy Viagra for them.

Marvel Studios released a new trailer for Avengers: Infinity War — depicting Iron Man, Hulk, Black Panther, Captain America, Black Widow and about 20 other Marvel heroes checking their watches 90 minutes into Justice League.

ESPN is laying off 150 more employees, none of whom are Rex Ryan or Randy Moss. Come on, man!

92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury stirred controversy when she said that women must sometimes “take the blame” for men’s sexual harassment. Many reacted in disbelief that Lansbury was actually pretty hot-looking 70 years ago.

 

 

 

J.J. Abrams has replaced Colin Trevorrow as the director of Star Wars: Episode IX. Trevorrow was reportedly unhappy with the script, and Disney execs found his lack of faith disturbing.

Apple held an event at its headquarters introducing the iPhone 8.  CEO Tim Cook told attendees no device has ever put as much power in to people’s hands – a claim disputed by men whose wives are holding the tv remote.

Amazon’s patent on 1-Click Shopping is set to expire next week, opening the door for other websites to make it just as easy to accidentally spend hundreds of dollars while drunk.

Nordstrom announced plans to open a new store in California that will be carry no clothing inventory.  Their research showed that women wanted to sit in traffic and fight for parking before doing online shopping at a mall.

Beth Mowins became the first woman to do play-by-play for an NFL telecast, calling the Monday night Chargers/Broncos game for ESPN. Mowins teamed with analyst & former NFL coach Rex Ryan. Asked what she’ll remember most, Mowins said ‘wearing garbage bags over her feet’.

The NFL’s regular season begun, with fans getting a look at the updated concussion protocol. Players are now evaluated in a closed tent on the sidelines in order to minimize distractions, and allow players multiple guesses of how many fingers doctors hold up.

A study published in the medical journal Annals of Internal Medicine linked long periods of excessive sitting with early death. The study is seen as especially bad news for cats.

Puppies for sale at Petland pet stores have been linked to 39 cases of campylobacter infections in humans – which is transferred by touching the puppies’ feces and results in diarrhea and vomiting. The puppies claim it’s their only defense against going home with owners they don’t like.

Lady Gaga announced that she suffers from fibromyalgia, and will sing to her doctor to decide which treatment is right for her.

The Oakland A’s announced their 2018 schedule, and will offer free admission to the Tuesday, April 17th night game against the Chicago White Sox.  A spokesman for Stubhub said that the price is in line with what most fans are willing to pay for A’s games this year.