Target announced it’s hiring 100,000 seasonal holiday workers, or about one-tenth of everyone Amazon doesn’t want.

Bernie Sanders will introduce legislation on Wednesday that would make Medicare a universal health insurance program. The legislation has no chance of passing due to the Republican congressional majority, and because BernCare sounds so painful.

  • Sanders hopes to sell universal Medicare with a catchy new slogan “it isn’t just for geezers anymore.”

Congress passed a bipartisan measure calling on President Trump to denounce hate groups. Trump swiftly crafted a message denouncing Democrats and ethnic minorities who hate him.

President Trump is planning a 13-city tour to sell his ideas for tax reform to whoever he’s golfing with in those 13 cities.

Apple introduced the long-rumored iPhone X. It costs $1,000 and includes new features such as facial recognition – it recognizes your expression that you wish you had your $1,000 back.

  • Analysts expect iPhone X to be in very short supply this holiday season, since it can only be found inside of specific Hatchimals.

Eric and Lara Trump welcomed a son, Eric ‘Luke’ Trump – President Trump’s 9th grandchild. President Trump tweeted to welcome his 12th grandchild.

  • CNN, criticized by the President as Fake News, promised an exclusive interview with the stork that delivered the baby.

Cybersecurity company Armis Labs warns that over 5 Billion electronic devices are vulnerable to malware called ‘BlueBorne’, which attacks devices via Bluetooth. However, in some cases, the malware becomes so annoyed with the Bluetooth user’s loud conversation that it leaves.

Harrison Ford has broken the silence regarding an affair he had with Carrie Fisher when he was 33 and married, and she was 19. The silence was broken by high-fives he gets from Star Wars fans.

 

 

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