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Whoopi Goldberg announced she’s co-written a graphic novel, The Change, about a grandmother named Isabel whose menopause gives her superpowers, including hot flashes that can melt both steel and her enemies.

Jon Bon Jovi says he has no issue with his 20-year-old son Jake getting engaged to 19-year-old actress Millie Bobbie Brown – saying young love eventually worked out for his dockworker friend Tommy and his waitress girlfriend Gina.

Tile, maker of tracking devices used to locate personal items, introduced Tile for Cats, a device you can attach to a feline’s collar to tell you that the cat is on the sofa 99% of the time.

A Delaware Boy Scout leader, Gary Matta, was arrested and charged with inappropriate sexual activity with a male youth between 1989 and 1992. Matta’s case is unique among Boy Scout leaders in that he only abused Scouts for four years.

Three separate road rage shootings have taken place on Philadelphia highways within the past two weeks. In response, the Philadelphia Welcome Center rest stop on Interstate 95 will install vending machines that sell bullets.

A Frontier Airlines flight atttendant asked passengers to vote whether a disruptive passenger should be kicked off the flight. The passenger was removed, but then passengers asked if they could vote themselves off so they could fly a better airline.

A pregnant woman who allegedly reeked of alcohol was refused boarding on a Spirit Airlines flight, then beat up the gate agent. The woman was arrested, and Spirit said the gate agent will be retrained so that she doesn’t lose fistfights with passengers.

Viral video shows a homeless man stopping a baby stroller from rolling on to a busy highway. Then the baby still has the nerve to tell the guy he doesn’t have any change.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Logan Webb claims 75% of the team has diarrhea after playing two games in Mexico City. Ironically, they lost both games because the San Diego Padres had lots more runs.

A 27-year-old New Jersey teacher & marching band director was arrested for having a two-year sexual affair with a student. She wanted to have sex with somebody cool, so she sure as hell wasn’t going to sleep with anyone in marching band.

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The NFL agreed to changes in its Concussion Protocol, but assured fans that their Playing With Other Broken Body Parts Protocol remains the same.

Disney Paris is closing down the ‘Snow White’ attraction indefinitely, leading to unfair labor practice lawsuits from seven plaintiffs.

Former Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke and two other men received the Nobel Prize in Economics for their work in the banking industry during financial crises. Then they spent their prize money on lottery tickets.

A group of boys selling candy bars in a Hooters parking lot were asked to stop by the manager, so the boys assaulted him and broke his arm. The manager said he was fine with them selling candy, but wanted them to change out of their orange booty shorts.

Multiple participants were injured jumping into a pit of foam rubber cubes at video-streaming conference TwitchCon. One woman stated she broke her back in two places and couldn’t stop Twitching.

Apple’s new ‘crash detection’ feature for iPhone 14 and Apple Watch is mistakenly calling 911 when people ride roller coasters. A theme park visitor wearing an Apple Watch called 911 fifty times between rides on roller coasters and the bumper cars.

Kanye West’s antisemitic posts were removed by Twitter and Instagram; he’d accused Diddy of being controlled by Jewish people. In other news, Kanye cleared 3 million followers within 15 minutes of his debut on Truth Social.

During the New York Mets season-ending loss to the San Diego Padres, Mets manager Buck Showalter had Padres pitcher Joe Musgrove searched for foreign substances. Umpires found no slippery or sticky substances, just a switchblade and a flask of bourbon, and Musgrove was allowed to continue.

A Massachusetts high school football coach quit mid-season with his team 3-3, because of vulgar, abusive behavior from players’ parents. The parents said they were just warming up for when they start yelling at the hockey coach in a couple months.

An elderly female at a Cartagena, Colombia nursing home suffered a heart attack during a “stripper party” where exotic dancers entertained the residents. Someone performed chest compressions on the woman, then shoved 100 pesos in her bra.

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Ronda Rousey is four months pregnant, following her husband’s victory via submission hold in December.

NFL owners ratified new rules to expand the duties of the instant replay official in the press box – he or she will now be responsible for fetching beers in between helping on-field officials get their calls wrong.

Pregnant women are being encouraged to get a COVID-19 vaccine by the CDC, and by their friends & family so they can talk about something else besides being pregnant.

Oklahoma passed a law giving some legal protections to operators that strike protesters with their vehicles. The protesters are no longer permitted to sue the cowboy or the horse.

The International Space Station is running out of beds, according to both NASA, and the snippy front desk clerk at the International Space Station.

Reports surfaced of Barstool Sports CEO Erika Nardini having an affair with her married squash coach – who is now her separated smash coach.

Jeopardy! Announced its new roster of guest hosts, including Levar Burton, Robin Roberts, David Faber, George Stephanopolous and Joe Buck. Fan reaction ranged from delight over the inclusion of Levar Burton, to “Who the hell is David Faber?”

The Los Angeles Dodgers will debut a ‘fully vaccinated fan section’ at Dodger Stadium for Saturday’s game against the San Diego Padres – to be followed by a ‘fully vaccinated fistfight section’ for future home games against the San Francisco Giants.

A new study finds sleep deprivation in midlife increases the risk of dementia. In other words, your crying baby really is driving you nuts.

The purchaser of Jeffrey Epstein’s Palm Beach mansion had it demolished, sharing photos of bucket loaders tearing up the floorboards and filling up with girls underwear.

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Absenteeism from the flu outbreak has closed schools in 12 different states. Students are reminded to practice good hygiene like hand-washing, and not kissing the teacher they’re having sex with if she or he has the flu.

Astrophysicists from Spain accessing the Hubble Space Telescope released what they’re calling “the deepest images of the universe ever taken from space” – resulting in the researchers seeing millions of hidden stars, and thousands of billboards for Pedro’s South of the Border.

MLB’s San Diego Padres are officially switching back to brown & gold uniforms starting with the 2020 season. The Padres used brown as their primary color from 1969, when they first formed, through 1991, when they decided they were tired of looking like dung.

A 10-year-old Kentucky boy won his science fair with a project calling QB Tom Brady a cheater, by showing underinflated footballs are thrown more accurately. The boy’s findings and project stunned adults who couldn’t believe they hold science fairs in Kentucky.

A non-venomous carpet python in a toilet bit a 59-year-old Brisbane, Australia woman on the buttocks while she urinated. The woman was treated for her injury but still thanked the snake for putting the seat down.

President Trump agreed to reopen the U.S. Government for three weeks while Congress negotiates border security. Trump said he hasn’t ruled out using Executive Orders to declare two national emergencies — one to demand a border wall, and one to demand the year-round offering of McRib.

The New York Times reports Facebook plans to integrate back-office operations of its Messenger, Instagram & WhatsApp products, claiming it will be easier for them to steal and sell your personal data just once instead of three times.

The Centers for Disease Control linked an eight-state salmonella outbreak to hedgehogs. The CDC warned people not to “snuggle or kiss” hedgehogs —  real ones, not your boyfriends and girlfriends.

A new study in the journal ‘Science Advances’ suggests Alzheimer’s could be caused by a gum infection. Doctors found a high number of seniors with no teeth who couldn’t remember losing them.

A flight attendant died of an apparent heart attack on a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Honolulu to New York.  Passengers described the cabin erupting in bedlam when they  realized they couldn’t locate the exits.

NYPD officer James Wong, 35, was arrested following an argument when he punched his 63-year-old mother in the face. Wong remains free on bond. He also remains a policeman, not a doctor like his mother wanted.

Tinder settled a price discrimination lawsuit for charging users over age 30 twice as much for their Tinder Plus premium product. Tinder defended the higher pricing, saying it offset costs of refunds demanded by younger users tricked into sex with geezers.

 

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Gabby DiMarco, a woman attending a San Diego Padres game, caught a foul ball in her beer cup, then chugged the beer to free the ball. She took the next day off from work to look at the hundreds of marriage proposals she received on social media.

A romance novel cover model dubbed the “Beefcake Bandit” has been sentenced to serve seven years in prison for a string of robberies. He’s expected to spend a lot of time fighting off other beefcake bandits.

An Oklahoma man playing golf alone who asked to play through a foursome was denied by the men, then beaten on the head with a putter by one of them. His assailant was charged with battery, and two penalty strokes for moving the victim before hitting him.

Education Secretary Betsy Devos said that the White House’s school safety commission – formed in the aftermath of the Parkland, Florida school shooting  – will not look at the role of guns in school violence. Instead, the commission will look at ways bullying victims can learn to box or hire bodyguards bigger than their bullies.

A pastor in Ethiopia giving water baptisms in a lake to members of his Protestant church was attacked by a crocodile. The pastor died and the crocodile said grace before eating him.

Amanda Richardson, a high school teacher in Philadelphia, was fired for taking bribes in exchange for giving students better grades. She tried offering sex, but the students decided they’d rather spend the money.

IHOP — originally International House of Pancakes – announced that it’s changing its name to IHOB, and will announce the meaning of the B on June 11th. Most people are guessing ‘breakfast’, while execs say the restaurants will still welcome drunken brawls at 2a.m.

Two men attending President Trump’s patriotic music & flag ceremony – scheduled after he cancelled a visit from the Philadelphia Eagles – took a knee during the playing of the national anthem. One man yelled at Trump after the song finished and was booed, the other got no help finding his contact lens.

Former employees of Toys R Us are protesting because the company did not pay them severance when their stores were shut down in bankruptcy proceedings. The employees said they were supposed to get six months severance, but they didn’t get that, or even one toy that they picked out for being good.

Deb Haaland won the Democratic nomination for New Mexico’s 1st Congressional District, putting her on track to become the first Native American woman to serve in Congress. President Trump has ordered staff to research insults, since Pocahontas is taken.