Tuesday Jokes: April 30th

President Trump toughened rules for immigrants seeking asylum in the United States, including adding an application fee. Critics are angry because immigrants typically don’t have the money to pay, and because the fees go to Barron Trump’s Venmo account.

NASA is conducting a trial exercise where a giant asteroid strikes Earth, wiping out an entire city. So far none of the nerdy male NASA engineers has been able to convince a hot woman scientist to have sex with them because Houston will be wiped out, anyway.

Erin Heatherton, 30, a former Victoria’s Secret model, declared bankruptcy, citing just over $6,000 in assets and well over $500,000 in debt.  She’s seeking a court-appointed assistant to sort through Sugar Daddy applications from various creeps.

Three-time Pro Bowl RB Jamaal Charles will officially retire as a member of the Kansas City Chiefs, despite never following in the team’s recent tradition of committing some sort of shockingly violent crime.

Tesla is cutting the price of its home solar energy panels to spur adoption, as cities prepare for a wave of environmentally-conscious do-it-yourselfers falling off of roofs.

United Kingdom bookmakers Ladbrokes say the odds-on favorites for the name of Meghan Markle & Prince Harry’s baby are ‘Grace’ and ‘Diana’, while the longest odds are being offered for ‘Dakota’ and ‘Melania’.

Starting in 2020, residents of England must opt out to keep organs from being harvested for transplant after death. Although some proposals seek to exclude certain body parts from automatic donation, including genitals, unless of course it’s a guy’s, huge, and would really make the recipient’s day.

The Indian Army claims to have seen the footprint of a Yeti near the base camp of Makalu, near the border of Nepal and Tibet. The footprint measures 32 inches long, 15 inches wide, and apparently was able to find Crocs in its size.

Kohl’s CEO Michelle Gass said the company has “not done our job” connecting with millennials, saying they’re still struggling to find the right segment of millennials that want to dress like 45-year-old moms.

Mark Zuckerberg said he invented a “sleep box” to help his wife, Priscilla, get enough sleep while the couple raise two young children.  The box is large enough to hold the children and both of their nannies.


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