Wednesday Jokes: May 8th

A couple in Mongolia contracted bubonic plague and died after eating marmot meat, leading to a six-day quarantine of 116 people who were also with the couple at the grand opening of Mongolia’s first Jersey Mike’s.

President Trump asserted executive privilege over the unredacted Mueller Report to prevent its release to Congress, offering instead to lend them other 400-page books that he’ll never read.

Harry and Meghan, Duke and Duchess of Sussex, released the first photo of their newborn son, for now answering the question on many people’s mind: “How black is he?”.

A Florida man was arrested for refusing to remove a window sticker from his car reading “I Eat Ass”. Police did not require him to remove the Post-It notes with phone numbers stuck on his car by other Florida men & women.

An Orthodox Jewish couple flying Spirit Airlines from New York to Florida filed a lawsuit, claiming discrimination and insults from crew because of their faith. Spirit Airlines said singling out Jews violates their policy, which calls for treating all passengers like garbage.

Archaeologists in the Bolivian Andes discovered a 1,000-year-old “ritual bundle” – containing five different psychoactive substances including cocaine and ayahuasca. They also discovered cash and a poster for a weekend-long jam band festival.

A new survey claims that 76% of craft beer drinkers are not influenced by price when it comes to purchasing craft beer – but that 100% women are influenced to walk away when they start talking about their favorite craft beers.

A new tariff threatens to increase the price of fresh tomatoes from Mexico by 40 to 85%, as Italian families brace for Sunday dinners with grandma bitching about how much the gravy cost.

PGA golfer John Daly, suffering from diabetes and dizzy spells, has been granted permission to use a golf cart instead of walking during this weekend’s PGA Championship. He can drive it, but only after he blows into a breathalyzer.

A doorbell camera on a home in Lawton Oklahoma captured a non-venomous snake dropping from a porch light and biting a visitor. The snake then swallowed an Amazon delivery box whole and slithered off with it.


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