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A couple in Mongolia contracted bubonic plague and died after eating marmot meat, leading to a six-day quarantine of 116 people who were also with the couple at the grand opening of Mongolia’s first Jersey Mike’s.

President Trump asserted executive privilege over the unredacted Mueller Report to prevent its release to Congress, offering instead to lend them other 400-page books that he’ll never read.

Harry and Meghan, Duke and Duchess of Sussex, released the first photo of their newborn son, for now answering the question on many people’s mind: “How black is he?”.

A Florida man was arrested for refusing to remove a window sticker from his car reading “I Eat Ass”. Police did not require him to remove the Post-It notes with phone numbers stuck on his car by other Florida men & women.

An Orthodox Jewish couple flying Spirit Airlines from New York to Florida filed a lawsuit, claiming discrimination and insults from crew because of their faith. Spirit Airlines said singling out Jews violates their policy, which calls for treating all passengers like garbage.

Archaeologists in the Bolivian Andes discovered a 1,000-year-old “ritual bundle” – containing five different psychoactive substances including cocaine and ayahuasca. They also discovered cash and a poster for a weekend-long jam band festival.

A new survey claims that 76% of craft beer drinkers are not influenced by price when it comes to purchasing craft beer – but that 100% women are influenced to walk away when they start talking about their favorite craft beers.

A new tariff threatens to increase the price of fresh tomatoes from Mexico by 40 to 85%, as Italian families brace for Sunday dinners with grandma bitching about how much the gravy cost.

PGA golfer John Daly, suffering from diabetes and dizzy spells, has been granted permission to use a golf cart instead of walking during this weekend’s PGA Championship. He can drive it, but only after he blows into a breathalyzer.

A doorbell camera on a home in Lawton Oklahoma captured a non-venomous snake dropping from a porch light and biting a visitor. The snake then swallowed an Amazon delivery box whole and slithered off with it.

 

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The unmarked grave of Joseph Merrick – better known as The Elephant Man — has been discovered after 130 years.  They knew it was his because the coffin was really big and misshapen at one end.

It’s Teacher Appreciation Week – so students nationwide are tying ribbons on their middle fingers before they flip ’em up behind their teacher’s back.

Duchess Meghan Markle delivered a 7-pound 3-ounce baby boy at 5:26a.m. local time. She was crowning shortly before, and the baby is a longshot to be crowned in about fifty years.

The owner of disqualified Kentucky Derby winner Maximum Security will appeal the decision. Maximum Security was shown to have jumped over a puddle and made contact with other horses, instead of laying down a blanket so girl horses could safely run through the puddle.

The maker of meatless Impossible Burgers – which will be rolled out to Burger King nationwide – says they’re running out of them. So, for the time being, they’re Nothingburgers.

E! Network cancelled actress Busy Philipps’ talk show. On May 16, they’ll air the last episode of ‘Busy Tonight’, on May 17, she will be Free Tonight.

Hallmark Channel aired new episodes of ‘When Calls The Heart’ without star Lori Loughlin. Hallmark fired Loughlin in the wake of the Operation Varsity Blues scandal, and will base their decision to hire her back on the finale of ‘When Given The Sentence’.

Uber & Lyft drivers plan to strike between 7 and 9a.m. Wednesday, as they seek to guarantee a minimum hourly wage. Women seeking an Uber or Lyft that morning are advised not to get in one that isn’t at least two hours away.

A new study found chemical sunscreens enter the bloodstream after just one day of use. The discovery was originally made after a young woman cut herself the day after visiting the beach and noticed that Coppertone smell.

Planet Fitness said it’s opening 225 new gyms, many in former Sears and Toys R Us locations. They expect to sign up thousands of out-of-shape uncool people who still visit the locations out of habit.