Tuesday Jokes: August 20th

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson married Lauren Hashian. On their wedding night, Hashian sported a huge Rock on her finger.

The Governor of Nairobi, speaking at the funeral of his 41-year-old friend, outed the deceased friend for fathering an illegitimate child with a fellow politician. Several high-school teachers asked that the Governor not give the graduation speech at their schools.

Apple CEO Tim Cook reportedly met with President Trump to explain the damage caused by import tariffs. Cook called the meeting productive, and said it had been a while since he put on a puppet show.

A new study claims that having children will make you happier, but only after they’ve left your home. Unfortunately, the study also found that the joy comes when the kids leave on their own, you can’t just kick ’em out for happiness’ sake.

Nike said they’ll continue to pay sponsored women athletes when they become pregnant. However, WNBA coaches said they might limit their minutes.

A senator is reintroducing the School Bus Safety Act, requiring seat belts on school buses. The legislation is supported by parents rights groups, and by bullies, who say the seat belts keep weak students in place so their lunch money can be stolen.

A minor league baseball team in Montana had to cancel games because of damage to the field caused by a Mumford & Sons concert – the first time a boring game had to be cancelled because of even-more-boring music.

A former employee is suing Whole Foods, saying he was bitten by a black widow spider in the produce cooler. Whole Foods is also being sued by the spider, who claims the man she bit wasn’t really GMO and hormone free.

Microsoft introduced SMS Organizer, a new messaging app to help organize text messages and provide a new source of harvesting and selling personal information.

Pregnant plus-sized model Ashley Graham shared an Instagram photo of her “real body”, highlighting folds of midriff fat and stretch marks. “See honey, didn’t I say you could be a model!” said men about to get punched after showing the pic to their wives.



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