Congress approved a bill to make Juneteenth – June 19th, a day marking the end of slavery – a federal holiday, as multiple Republicans tried, and failed, to do the same for Jansixth.

Gay soccer star Megan Rapinoe was hired to promote Victoria’s Secret as part of their rebrand – so now we all know what Victoria’s secret was.

The Philadelphia 76ers blew a 20-point lead for the second straight time, losing to the Atlanta Hawks in Game 5 of their playoff series. Philadelphia fans threw batteries at the team, then the Sixers threw them back and missed.

Southern Baptists elected Ed Litton as their conference President, who’s viewed as a ‘centrist’ because he promotes racial justice, while still hating queers.

Angelina Jolie reportedly got a ‘meaningful new tattoo’ – which reminds her what all of her other, less meaningful, tattoos are supposed to mean.

Fishermen near New Jersey’s Seaside Heights Pier caught a great white shark, which was then won by a kid playing a ring toss game.

The world’s third-largest diamond was reportedly unearthed near Botswana. Google suffered a brief outage as all the world’s rappers and the Kardashian family simultaneously searched ‘Where Is Botswana’?

Asked about privacy in a new interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook called it “a fundamental human right”. Asked about more durable glass on iPhones, Cook called it “a much lower priority than privacy”.

Microsoft Teams is doubling the maximum number of on-screen videoconference participants from 49 to 98. This makes it more likely you can see video of CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin masturbating, but tougher to actually tell what he’s doing.

Ricky Schroder protested outside a Foo Fighters concert in Agoura Hills, California, because attendance required proof of vaccination. Schroeder then left for a Toby Keith concert which required proof of gun ownership and dropping out of junior high.

Best Buy stores have moved to a ‘curbside pickup only’ policy, so employees can get a good laugh and watch customers struggling to fit huge TVs in their car.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says the company is donating “millions” of protective masks to healthcare workers. The challenge now is finding healthcare workers whose faces are the same size as 12-year-old Apple factory employees.

Portland, Oregon’s Lucky Devil Lounge strip club started ‘Boober Eats’, where scantily-clad dancers deliver food from Lucky Devil’s menu. Several customers claim they found hair in their food, for which they paid extra.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, a fixture at Coronavirus Task Force press briefings and the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, said social distancing is crucial to prevent the U.S. from “becoming another Italy”. To which Italian Americans replied “AYYYYYY!”

Pennsylvania golfers asked Governor Tom Wolf to reopen courses, arguing that distance between players makes the game inherently safe and healthy, and that any added distance necessitated by the pandemic makes it easier than ever to cheat.

Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus in a maximum security prison in New York state, as did another inmate who tries to look like Gwyneth Paltrow.

Formula 1 racing is cancelled, so drivers are racing each other online in the official F1 video game. Somehow three drivers still managed to be hospitalized in crashes.

Three Florida spring breakers from the University of Tampa tested positive for COVID-19, and are currently in isolation while doctors supervise them butt-chugging grape Pedialyte with Tylenol.

Stevie Nicks praised artist Harry Styles’ new album ‘Fine Line’, saying she thinks it’s his ‘Rumors’. The music world hasn’t been this stunned since Nicks called Lou Bega’s ‘Mambo No. 5’ his ‘Pac Man Fever’.

The CDC & Microsoft, launched a coronavirus self-checking bot called Clara, to¬† recommend actions to those who think they have COVID-19 symptoms. You simply visit the CDC website, click the self-checker, and then watch as you’re told not to restart your computer for three hours.

 

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson married Lauren Hashian. On their wedding night, Hashian sported a huge Rock on her finger.

The Governor of Nairobi, speaking at the funeral of his 41-year-old friend, outed the deceased friend for fathering an illegitimate child with a fellow politician. Several high-school teachers asked that the Governor not give the graduation speech at their schools.

Apple CEO Tim Cook reportedly met with President Trump to explain the damage caused by import tariffs. Cook called the meeting productive, and said it had been a while since he put on a puppet show.

A new study claims that having children will make you happier, but only after they’ve left your home. Unfortunately, the study also found that the joy comes when the kids leave on their own, you can’t just kick ’em out for happiness’ sake.

Nike said they’ll continue to pay sponsored women athletes when they become pregnant. However, WNBA coaches said they might limit their minutes.

A senator is reintroducing the School Bus Safety Act, requiring seat belts on school buses. The legislation is supported by parents rights groups, and by bullies, who say the seat belts keep weak students in place so their lunch money can be stolen.

A minor league baseball team in Montana had to cancel games because of damage to the field caused by a Mumford & Sons concert – the first time a boring game had to be cancelled because of even-more-boring music.

A former employee is suing Whole Foods, saying he was bitten by a black widow spider in the produce cooler. Whole Foods is also being sued by the spider, who claims the man she bit wasn’t really GMO and hormone free.

Microsoft introduced SMS Organizer, a new messaging app to help organize text messages and provide a new source of harvesting and selling personal information.

Pregnant plus-sized model Ashley Graham shared an Instagram photo of her “real body”, highlighting folds of midriff fat and stretch marks. “See honey, didn’t I say you could be a model!” said men about to get punched after showing the pic to their wives.

 

 

Actress Jamie Lee Curtis told People magazine that she is in recovery from a 10-year opiate addiction. She was originally prescribed pain killers to recover from non-lethal stab wounds suffered during terrible ‘Halloween’ sequels.

Duchess Meghan Markle’s wedding dress will go on public display for the first time since her May 19th wedding, after a fourth dry cleaner successfully got all of the embarrassing stains out of it.

Megyn Kelly apologized for insensitive remarks on the Today Show, regarding children wearing blackface as part of Halloween costumes. Kelly said she got carried away remembering all the candy she got when she trick-or-treated as Donna Summer.

McDonald’s is expanding its breakfast menu, offering bigger “triple stack” versions of McMuffin and McGriddles sandwiches. Head of Culinary Innovation Mike Haracz said the items are a result of seeing customers ‘hack’ the McDonald’s menu — which everyone assumed to mean hacking it back up in the parking lot.

Apple CEO Tim Cook spoke to CNN’s Christiane Amanpour, telling her that being gay ‘is God’s greatest gift to me’. Cook added that it was difficult choosing a greatest gift, since he’s also been blessed with billions of dollars and bountiful underage overseas factory labor.

Suspicious packages containing explosives were mailed to the home of Bill & Hillary Clinton, and an office used by President Barack Obama. Canines were able to detect the explosives because the packages also contained Trump Steaks.

Rumors circulate that Khloe Kardashian and NBA player Tristan Thompson may have finally broken up, as she remains in Los Angeles while he lives in Cleveland playing for the Cavaliers. “Oh no!” said Thompson, barely audible beneath a pile of groupies.

Nina Kroupianova, wife of white supremacist Richard Spencer, filed for divorce, saying that Spencer was physically, emotionally & financially abusive. Kroupiianova said she can’t believe that this is the same loving bigot she married.

PETA is being criticized for their tweet urging people to stop drinking milk, since they claim it’s a ‘symbol used by white supremacists’. “Damnit, they’re on to us” said the Grand Imperial Holstein at a Cu Clux Cow rally.

A lawsuit filed in the San Francisco Bay Area alleges that 263 priests are sex abusers. “Hmm. Seems a little low..” said Pope Francis.

Dozens more breakfast foods have tested positive for trace amounts of weed killer glyphosate, better known as Roundup. Parents are reportedly feeding their kids Cheerios, then sending them outside to piss on dandelions to kill them.

 

Barry Lubin, 65, who performs in the Big Apple Circus as ‘Grandma the Clown’, resigned after a former female aerialist in the circus said he pressured her to pose for pornographic photos when she was just 16. In a statement, Lubin said “what I did was wrong, and I take full responsibility for my actions. Honk. Honk.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook said in an interview with The Guardian that he doesn’t want his 10-year-old nephew on social media. Cook prefers kids that age to focus on other things, like assembling iPads.

In the wake of the U.S. corporate tax cut, Starbucks announced that they’re spending $120 million on higher wages for workers, and that eligible hourly workers will receive a bonus check of $500 with the wrong name written on it.

A 1.7-billion-year-old chunk of Canada was found in Australia. The sedimentary sandstone rocks, native to Canada, were identified by their sensible toques and the gratitude they expressed to geologists for being found.

Tiger Woods told reporters that he’s ready to return to the Tour — the Stormy Daniels ‘Make America Horny Again’ Tour.

The Justice Department is threatening to subpoena 23 so-called ‘sanctuary cities’ for failure to comply with immigration regulations. Lawyers spent several hours Wednesday morning explaining to President Trump that issuing a subpoena to a city doesn’t mean everybody in the city needs to show up for the hearing.

Wednesday is National Peanut Butter day, in case you’re wondering why your single lady friend stayed home with her dog.

Toys R Us is closing 180 stores. Amazon is offering to pick up the slack, inviting parents to bring toddlers to the toy section of their warehouses for meltdowns.

A rare endangered North Atlantic right whale was spotted off the coast of Mexico; experts say it’s the same whale that was spotted in Panama City Beach, Florida earlier this month. It’s unclear why the whale is choosing this pattern, but DEA agents want to speak to the whale about the contents of a large suitcase it’s carrying.

Chinese researchers successfully cloned two twin macaque monkeys, using the same method pioneered in 1996 to clone sheep. The monkeys are healthy, living in an incubator, but are impatiently asking anyone to clone some goddamned bananas.