A group of eight skydivers over age 80 became the largest in their age group to simultaneously dive in formation during a recent jump in Florida. The Guinness Book of World Records gave commemorative plaques to the five who remembered to open their parachutes.

A grandfather was charged with leaving a toddler in the back of a returned rental car at a Florida airport. He also faces charges of $12/gallon for forgetting to fill the tank.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX said it can no longer afford to donate Starlink satellite receivers to provide internet & communication to war-torn Ukraine. Comcast/Xfinity offered to jump in, leading Ukrainians to say “nah, we’re good”.

Garbage singer Shirley Manson said in an interview she once “took a crap” on a cheating boyfriend’s breakfast cereal. She and the boyfriend are no longer together, and he is no longer cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider claims that when fellow alum Bill Murray hosted the show during his tenure, Murray “hated” cast members Schneider, Adam Sandler and Chris Farley. People can’t believe that Murray would hate Sandler & Farley.

Two anti-oil activists were arrested after throwing tomato soup on Vincent Van Gogh’s ‘Sunflowers’ portrait at the National Gallery in London. Curators hope that it can be fully restored by dragging the canvas with grilled cheese sandwiches.

Grocery giant Kroger agreed to buy fellow grocery company Albertson’s for $24.6 billion. The purchase entitles Kroger to their choice of a free ham or turkey with coupon.

Vladimir Putin said the call-up of Russian reservists will continue for two more weeks. Southwest Airlines said they’re Wanna Get Away? fares from Moscow to anywhere else will be extended for two more weeks.

Donald Trump indicated he would possibly testify before the January 6th committee, but only if it’s on national television, and only if it airs opposite another terrible Thursday Night Football game.

A pair of 1880s Levis jeans sold for $76,000, and were printed with an anti-Chinese phrase on the pocket “the only kind made with white labor”. A pair of 1880s Wrangler jeans made with Chinese labor sold for a budget-friendly $19.

The University of California system will phase out SAT & ACT test requirements, over claims the tests are biased against minorities and rich white dopes.

Authorities in Delaware arrested a man for the alleged sexual assault of ponies. The case was turned over to SHAVU – Special Horse Assault Victims Unit. [story h/t to N.K.]

A 31-year-old woman claims she and her two young children were ‘hunted’ at a Target location by three men who parked behind her in a windowless van. She then posted safety tips to other young moms who may be Target Targets. 

Some scientists believe strong strains of cannabis can prevent or treat COVID-19. And by “scientists”, they mean guys in their parents garage making a ventilator with a bong attachment. 

Netflix will begin purging subscribers who haven’t used the service in a year. Comcast said they have no similar plans, since they collect millions billing dead people. 

In a Philadelphia suburb, women in a Facebook group ‘Fairy Dust’ each other – leaving anonymous gift bags filled with treats on porches as random acts of kindness. Men can’t participate, after repeated warnings against leaving pics of their Fairy Wand in bags. 

Fitbit launched a COVID-19 early detection study via the Fitbit app. If their tracker detects symptoms, they’re advised to take 10,000 steps toward a hospital. 

IKEA released multiple sets of plans to build homes for bees, to sustain their dwindling populations. They advise patience while the queen bee tells you you’re taking too long to finish making it. 

Crayola released a new 32-crayon ‘Colors Of The World’ box, with shades better representing diverse skin tones of people throughout the world. “Delicious!” said kids. 

Donald Trump complained that Fox News is “doing nothing” to help him get reelected. Meanwhile, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN and others are doing their part to help Joe Biden get elected, by not airing quotes from Joe Biden. 

Philadelphia is planning to open the first-of-its-kind ‘safe injection site’ in the U.S. It will be the first place where users can safely inject high doses of pain killers that isn’t an NFL locker room.

The White House plans to ask Congress for up to $2.5 billion to battle the COVID-19 coronavirus. The Pentagon will make a separate request of $5 billion, to buy 50 face masks.

The Centers for Disease Control listed which styles of facial hair pose issues in helping to prevent the coronavirus. They say certain beards prevent face masks from properly contacting the face, although they make the wearer look like less of a douche.

Heaven Fitch became the first female to win a North Carolina state high school wrestling championship. She won the 106-pound weight class, but swears she’s a Size 0.

  • Her finishing move is telling opponents stories about how much she loves visiting her grandmother, at which point they surrender.

A player for the American Hockey League Hershey Bears was hospitalized after getting knocked out in an on-ice fight. He was kept overnight for observation, and an additional five minutes for fighting.

The bankrupt Boy Scouts of America may need to sell original Norman Rockwell paintings in order to pay sexual molestation lawsuits. It’s not clear how much money the sales will generate, since most of the paintings are of scout leaders molesting boys.

A new study claims the average U.S. home internet speed went up, from 103.1 Mbps in 2018 to 128.3 Mbps in 2019. Asked for comment, a Comcast/Xfinity spokesperson said “Not because of us, that’s for sure.”

  • The same study cites the average U.S. household consumed 344 gigabytes of data in a year, at a rate of roughly 2 gigabytes per porn video.

The creator of the ‘Konami code’ – Up, up, down, down, left, right, b, a, start – has died. The code was used to generate extra lives in video games, but apparently really slows things down when you have to type it into defibrillators.

YouTube’rs are making videos teaching people to give themselves fecal transplants, where stool from healthy donors is put in the intestinal tract via the rectum to cure bowel disorders. So far the only videos YouTube has removed are the ones where the stool is used to make smoothies.

A St. Cloud, Minnesota Walmart experienced so much theft of socks and underwear that those items are now locked in a glass case. They say most of the shoplifters were low-income grandmothers who still insisted on giving terrible Christmas gifts.

A GOP Senator who watched the White House security briefing on Iran called it “the worst briefing he’d ever seen”. Asked what made it so bad, he said “the 15 minutes of Trump 2020 ads and previews of other assassinations before it started”.

At his introductory press conference, Dallas Cowboys head coach Mike McCarthy admitted lying in his job interview about watching every play of every 2019 Cowboys game. Similarly, Joe Judge, new coach of the New York Giants, is expected to admit he lied about wanting to be head coach of the New York Giants.

CEO Pat Brown of meat substitute company Impossible Foods attended the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, calling the meat industry “the most destructive technology on Earth by far.” Brown added that he hadn’t heard of Facebook or Twitter.

14 men & women beat out over 10,000 applicants to become members of the Disney Parks Moms Panel – a group that answers questions from people planning Disney vacations. So far, the most common question they’re asked by parents is how to ditch their kids.

Nintendo faces criticism for not providing prize money for Esports tournaments featuring its Super Smash Bros fighting game. The criticism comes from older parents hoping their 30-year-old sons win enough money to move out of the basement.

New York City’s subway removed 300 cars from service for safety reasons. Most were removed because doors could open while the car was moving; the rest because of the smell of people sleeping in them.

Carnival Cruise Lines is banning apparel with offensive, racist and obscene messages. Most cruise passengers approve of the ban, although it resulted in cancellation of the High Seas Gathering Of The Juggalos.

Verizon announced they’re no longer offering promotional pricing and introductory contracts on their tv, internet and phone service. Conversely, Comcast/Xfinity announced they’re no longer telling customers what they’re being charged until the bill arrives.

First cousins Angela Peang and Michael Lee, both 38, face jail time in their home state of Utah because Peang is five months pregnant with Lee’s baby – which is illegal in the state. They haven’t decided whether to have the child in Utah, or seek Inbred Asylum in Mississippi.

Amazon-owned Ring admitted that they fired employees because they watched videos of Ring camera users. The employees claimed it was for security reasons, but Amazon human resources countered that their pants were at their knees.