Tuesday Jokes: March 3rd

Before giving Tony Romo the richest contract for a NFL football analyst in broadcast history, CBS Sports reportedly tried to hire Peyton Manning instead. But the lenses on the booth cameras were unable to fully capture his massive forehead.

Google rolled out a new ‘feature drop’ for its Pixel lineup of phones, including  ‘car crash detection’, which detects car crashes using the phone’s microphone, accelerometer, and the name of the old Asian woman it’s registered to.

Nintendo’s mobile race game ‘Mario Kart Tour’ goes live on March 8th, allowing you to race against friends. It’s the first mobile game where you can lose to someone, then hit them in the head with your phone.

Bose Corporation terminated their CEO back in January without telling anyone, proving how good they are at cancelling noise.

Philadelphia’s National Museum of American Jewish History filed for bankruptcy protection. The museum director asked if any of their members knew a good lawyer, and received over 75,000 referrals in an hour.

Mike Pence dodged a reporter’s question asking him if he’d take his kids to Disney during the coronavirus outbreak. Pence then said Gay Days at Disney aren’t until early June, so he has time to think about it.

Police searched the apartment of a UPS worker planning a mass shooting in California, finding tactical weapons, body armor, 20,000 rounds of ammo – and a really efficient getaway map with no left turns!

Two New York City high schools closed after a suspected case of COVID-19 coronavirus in the community. Officials sought to spare students exposure to illness, and to spare parents from the schools’ musical production of ‘Fiddler On The Roof’.

Health experts are warning that homemade hand sanitizer recipes that recommend using vodka are ineffective, since vodka is only 40% alcohol. In other news, influencers were invited to the launch party for Mad Dog 2020 Hand Sanitizer.

Nearly 10% of Iranian lawmakers are infected with coronavirus; adding this is likely to cause a significant slowdown in the speed of trials and beheadings.

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