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Before giving Tony Romo the richest contract for a NFL football analyst in broadcast history, CBS Sports reportedly tried to hire Peyton Manning instead. But the lenses on the booth cameras were unable to fully capture his massive forehead.

Google rolled out a new ‘feature drop’ for its Pixel lineup of phones, including  ‘car crash detection’, which detects car crashes using the phone’s microphone, accelerometer, and the name of the old Asian woman it’s registered to.

Nintendo’s mobile race game ‘Mario Kart Tour’ goes live on March 8th, allowing you to race against friends. It’s the first mobile game where you can lose to someone, then hit them in the head with your phone.

Bose Corporation terminated their CEO back in January without telling anyone, proving how good they are at cancelling noise.

Philadelphia’s National Museum of American Jewish History filed for bankruptcy protection. The museum director asked if any of their members knew a good lawyer, and received over 75,000 referrals in an hour.

Mike Pence dodged a reporter’s question asking him if he’d take his kids to Disney during the coronavirus outbreak. Pence then said Gay Days at Disney aren’t until early June, so he has time to think about it.

Police searched the apartment of a UPS worker planning a mass shooting in California, finding tactical weapons, body armor, 20,000 rounds of ammo – and a really efficient getaway map with no left turns!

Two New York City high schools closed after a suspected case of COVID-19 coronavirus in the community. Officials sought to spare students exposure to illness, and to spare parents from the schools’ musical production of ‘Fiddler On The Roof’.

Health experts are warning that homemade hand sanitizer recipes that recommend using vodka are ineffective, since vodka is only 40% alcohol. In other news, influencers were invited to the launch party for Mad Dog 2020 Hand Sanitizer.

Nearly 10% of Iranian lawmakers are infected with coronavirus; adding this is likely to cause a significant slowdown in the speed of trials and beheadings.

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The Invisible Man brought in close to $30 million this weekend – as billionaire Tom Steyer checked his savings account and dropped out of the presidential race.

As part of an agreement to lower the number of U.S. troops in Afghanistan, over 5000 Taliban fighters will be released, and added to UFC lineups in Kabul.

Tony Romo agreed to a record $17 million per year deal to remain an NFL analyst at CBS Sports. Meanwhile, at ESPN, Booger McFarland agreed to pay $2 million per year to keep saying nonsense on Monday Night Football.

Washington state is investigating a possible coronavirus outbreak at a nursing home. The good news is that the visitors lounge was empty anyway.

Buckingham Palace officially confirmed that Harry & Meghan will be allowed to retain their royal titles – Black Sheep & Golddigger.

Workers at Disney World retrieved an iPhone 11 from the Seven Seas Lagoon attraction after it had been dropped in the water at a Halloween party – though the phone’s owner was shocked to see naked pics of Ariel that Sebastian took under the sea.

The Surgeon General urged Americans to stop buying face masks to prevent coronavirus, saying the shortage is hindering the ability to get them for medical professionals and ugly people.

The last crew members on board the contaminated Diamond Princess cruise liner were evacuated, and the ship will return to port to be sterilized. Once seaworthy, it will relaunch with the captain breaking a bottle of Clorox over its bow.

Google apologized after its Nest home security cameras stopped working during a 17-hour outage. Subscribers to video cloud storage will receive a $5 refund, and creeps will get an update of what the small child they’re stalking did during the 17 hours.

Public Enemy fired Flavor Flav. Founder Chuck D said the group has been called a lot of names over the years, but never flavorless.

Americans will soon rely on methods other than passwords as the main form of cybersecurity, according to Vijay Balasubramaniyan – CEO of Pindrop, an online security company – who admits he uses his last name as a password and no one has cracked it.

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A 105-year-old Illinois woman successfully renewed her driver’s license. When she entered the DMV, she was 103.

New England Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman was arrested and charged with vandalism after allegedly damaging a vehicle by jumping on its hood. Local police overruled NFL referees on the scene who had sought to penalize the parked car.

Samsung introduced a new midpriced phone, the $499 Samsung Galaxy XCover Pro. The phone’s key feature is a removable battery, which Samsung says is easily swappable after the first one catches fire.

A man survived 20 days in the Alaskan wilderness after a fire burned down his remote cabin in mid-December. Amazon has called off the search for the missing drone delivering his Christmas presents.

The Supreme Court refused to hear a challenge to a New Hampshire law making it illegal for women to expose their breasts in public; but took the unusual step of issuing an opinion that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg keep her top on anyway.

‘Joker’ led Oscar nominations with 11, infuriating both cinema purists and Commissioner Gordon.

Scarlett Johansson received Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress Oscar nominations. She would act delighted about the rare double-nomination if only it were in her emotional range.

Conservative group ‘One Million Moms’ publicly condemned a Burger King Impossible Whopper ad for profanity, because someone trying the burger says “damn that’s good.” Meanwhile, behind closed doors, children of the Million Moms ask “where’s my f***in juice box?”

A Baltimore Ravens fan collapsed and died climbing stairs during Saturday’s NFL game at M&T Bank Stadium, as his team collapsed and died on the field.

ESPN is reportedly set to offer Tony Romo between $10 million and $14 million annually, making him the highest-paid broadcaster in history. They’re also setting aside $50 million to convince Booger McFarland to quit.

 

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President Trump said he takes North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ‘at his word’ when denying involvement in the death of American prisoner Otto Warmbier. Democrats found it unbelievable that Trump finds Un believable.

Trump took to Twitter to demand Congress obtain a manuscript of Michael Cohen’s purported tell-all book — then give him the gist of it with lots of pictures so he can say he read it.

In the wake of sexual misconduct allegations, singer Ryan Adams scheduled tour of the U.K. & Ireland has been cancelled, although the backstage meet-and-greets are still on.

Jason Witten will leave the Monday Night Football announcer booth and return to play tight end for the Dallas Cowboys next season – a move that surprised many because Tony Romo didn’t call it right before it happened.

Governor of Washington state Jay Inslee announced his plan to seek the Democratic nomination for President. Inslee will run on a platform about climate change – and is already making a difference, given the cool reception to his candidacy.

Amazon is giving Prime members the option to choose a single day of the week to have their packages delivered. Amazon says this lets them conserve resources, reduce their carbon footprint, and help porch pirates plan their schedules.

Nintendo’s job recruitment website says its employees in Japan stay with the company an average of 13.5 years and make $80,000 annually – even more if they avoid turtles and find bonus levels.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics posted data showing the highest-paying job in every state. Doctors & surgeons topped the rankings in most states, with the exception of the Deep South, where dentists typically are broke and bored from lack of patients.

The company that owns Old Navy and Gap are splitting them up. Gap will be combined with Banana Republic in a new company dubbed ‘Mom & Dad’ and Old Navy will operate as an independent company called ‘God, just leave me alone.’

Sexual abuse claims against Catholic priests and their church dioceses in New York State threaten to send them into bankruptcy. So keep an eye out for great deals on stained glass windows and reclaimed hardwood benches.