Friday Jokes: March 20th

The IRS will move the tax filing deadline to July 15, giving cash-strapped Americans an extra 90 days to come up with phony dependents.

Tom Brady officially signed a two-year deal with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Florida Man whines about being unnecessarily hit by others.

The Federal Government released details of its coronavirus stimulus package, with married couples earning under $150,000 receiving $2,400 …worth of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Gamestop stores are remaining open because they say they’re “essential retail”, adding how essential it is for customers to get that 25 cents trading in Mario Kart 8.

A new study suggests digestive issues can be the first sign of COVID-19, but admitted it’s hard to isolate the viral effects of Chinese study subjects because many of them also ate at KFC.

A group of anti-Trump conservatives, Republicans For The Rule Of Law, released a new ad compiling the misleading statements from Donald Trump regarding coronavirus. The ad is unique in that it’s funded by Republicans, and that it’s 45 minutes long.

Scientists claim the novel coronavirus can live for up to three days on plastic or rubber surfaces – the exception being Crocs, which even the coronavirus wouldn’t be caught dead in.

Officials claim Princess Cruises had a much higher-than-average percentage of illness, even before the coronavirus outbreak. The statistics followed Princess ships Grand Princess, Diamond Princess, and Taco Bell Princess.

National Institute of Health Director Francis Collins said the U.S. best approach for halting the spread of coronavirus is one most Americans would find “too extreme”. Asked by a reporter what he meant, Collins shot the reporter.

Dental medicine chain Dental Express is under fire for performing unnecessary procedures to boost bills, with one woman claiming they performed 7 root canals on her 3-year-old. Dental Express defended the procedures, saying if they didn’t do something, his teeth would have all fallen out in a few years.

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