By |

New research concludes Ludwig van Beethoven’s death and early-onset liver disease may not have been solely alcohol-related, and that he suffered from acute hepatitis. In case you were wondering what Beethoven has in common with the members of Motley Crue.

Following a series of train accidents, Congress is working on a railroad safety bill. Or, they will until Republicans or Democrats derail it.

Large clusters of sargassum have begun washing up on the Florida coastline – leading lonely, hearing-impaired women to book Florida vacations so they can experience a sargassum on the beach.

Researchers in Great Britain say hearing ‘dad jokes’ empowers kids to become better adults. While hearing dirty jokes empowers them to become more popular during recess.

Artificial tears tainted with bacteria are blamed for several deaths, blindness and loss of eyes in multiple users. Worse, victims with glass eyes are warned that high levels of bacteria have been found in Windex.

A tornado touched down in Los Angeles. It arrived 20 minutes late and left a half-hour early.

Gisele Bundchen said in an interview that her marriage to Tom Brady was doomed long before his decision to ‘unretire’. She added that their final counseling session ended with her taking a knee with 30 seconds left in ‘divorce formation’.

The City of Philadelphia is exploring a program to reduce infant mortality by paying pregnant women $1,000/month if they live in certain areas of the city. It’s unclear how the infant mortality problem can be solved with an Xbox.

The Federal Aviation Administration is issuing a “call to action” following multiple near collisions on airport runways – starting with a pre-flight two-drink maximum for veteran pilots.

An Amazon delivery driver handed a package to a SWAT team member during an armed standoff in North Carolina. The SWAT team member then placed the box of bullets on the porch and the standoff continued.

By |

In England, a man with a metal detector found a medieval-era diamond & gold ring valued at over $44,000 – ending his streak of 22,565 bottle caps.

OnlyFans is adding shopping features. Soon subscribers will be able to purchase authentic game-worn lingerie from their favorite creators.

Facebook will remove Religion, Political Views & Sexual Orientation information fields from user profiles – making it harder than ever for Bisexual Muslim MAGA Republicans to find each other.

Starbucks workers staged a walkout to protest working conditions, wages, resistance to unionization, and other issues. They seek better pay, adequate staffing, and the ability to limit drink orders to 30 words or less.

Bruce Springsteen invited Taylor Swift to join the E Street Band. She declined, saying she doesn’t want her ticket prices to drop below $1,000.

Qatar is banning beer sales during World Cup games. Soccer hooligans are asked to buy full cans of non-alcoholic Bud Zero to bash over each other’s heads.

China state media reported over 100,000 workers were recruited to work at the country’s largest iPhone factory. They just need to figure out how to get to China after being fired from Twitter.

Tom Brady & Gisele Bundchen’s Luz Foundation – a charitable organization they established – gave away just 0.00008% of their net worth over 13 years spanning 2007 to 2019. “Thanks, Tom!” said the guy in charge of inflating footballs for the New England Patriots.

Dozens of sheep in China’s Inner Mongolia have been walking in a circle for 12 days straight. Finally, a ewe convinced a ram to stop and ask for directions.

QVC shopping network premiered its first-ever streaming Christmas movie, Holly & the Hot Chocolate. It can be yours for just four easy installments of 25 minutes each.

By |

The CEO of Keurig resigned after violations of the company’s Code of Conduct. He was caught in the break room having sex with a coworker and – even worse – drinking two cups of coffee at a time.

Outgoing Wyoming Representative Liz Cheney called this year’s election results “a big win for Team Normal”, adding.. “I wish I hadn’t waited so long to join Team Normal”.

Gisele Bundchen purchased a Florida mansion next to one being built by ex Tom Brady. If she wants to keep an eye on Brady, Bill Belichick told her he could send his video guys.

Cryptocurrency exchange FTX filed for bankruptcy. Account holders are unhappy with the company’s promise to pay out their balances with Sad Monkey NFTs.

China’s Singles Day – the world’s biggest annual shopping event – totaled over $1 trillion yuan for the first time. Also for the first time, somebody bought a size Large sweater.

The United States Mens National Soccer Team officially confirmed the 26 players they’ll send to Qatar to get their asses kicked and eliminated in the World Cup.

The City of Philadelphia said they’ll replace the worn and faded international flags that line the Ben Franklin Parkway. They hope to have the flags in time for an Eagles playoff win so local drunks can climb the poles and hang ’em.

Twitter’s Head of Trust & Safety resigned after two weeks under Elon Musk’s leadership. Musk is interviewing candidates for the newly-formed Head of Distrust & Danger position.

A woman in Thailand, Phonchanok Srisunaklua, faces criminal prosecution for a viral video where she eats a bat. Her attorney claims she’ll fight the charges, citing that she was sitting in a KFC.

Sophia Rosing, the University of Kentucky student arrested for racial slurs and physical violence toward a black student and police, has been permanently banned from campus. Her family said she’ll seek treatment while she deliberates over acceptance letters from the University of Alabama and University of Mississippi.

By |

Eclipse, a Seattle dog famous for learning to ride the bus to a dog park alone, has died. To fill the void, multiple homeless Seattle residents have stepped in to ride the bus with their genitals exposed.

Student loan forgiveness applications are now being accepted through a ‘beta test’ website. “What’s a website?” asked borrowers who probably shouldn’t have received student loans.

Alaska’s snow crab harvest is cancelled after millions of the crustaceans disappeared from the state’s coastal waters. Carnival Cruise Lines reported several riots on board ships, when the crab leg station at the buffet was filled with Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft was married in a surprise ceremony on Friday. The couple wrote their own vows, with hers beginning “Robert, me love you long time..”

Tom Brady attended Kraft’s wedding solo, without his wife Gisele Bundchen. He successfully avoided a blitz by every single and separated woman in attendance.

Kanye West is acquiring conservative social media app Parler, joining Candace Owens as the only verified black people on Parler.

Hearing aids are now approved for over-the-counter sale, coming to the rescue for hearing-impaired adults, and high school kids who need help cheating or hearing gossip.

A new study finds limited-contact practices to be one of the best ways to reduce head injuries in youth football, followed by having an unathletic kid who gets cut or rides the bench.

Some members of K-pop supergroup BTS are starting their required 18-month military service in the South Korean army. Fellow enlisted men marching in formation with BTS singers are still getting used to having panties thrown in their direction.

New York City congressional candidate Mike Itkis, who’s running on a platform to legalize sex work, released a 13-minute video having sex with porn star Nicole Sage. Itkis may be the first politician in history whose poll numbers go up after f*cking constituents.

By |

Three scientists won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for ‘snapping molecules together like Legos’. Then one of the scientists broke their foot stepping on the Nobel Prize.

Angelina Jolie alleges that Brad Pitt abused her and two of their children on a flight in 2016 – striking her head, choking one of the kids, and making all of them watch Oceans 12.

Paradiso, in Barcelona, Spain, was named the World’s Best Bar by website theworlds50best.com – a site managed by someone who apparently thinks they’re too fancy for $1 margaritas at Applebees.

The world’s biggest pilot of the four-day work week by a public relations company in London is almost complete. They think that productivity is generally good, but see a tenfold increase in people calling in sick on Thursday instead of Friday.

New York Yankees slugger Aaron Judge broke the American League record with his 62nd home run. Overall home run king Barry Bonds hopes Judge doesn’t get a swelled head.

A New York investment adviser caught Judge’s home run ball, which is expected to bring him upwards of $2 million. It was the day’s third-most-valuable catch, following whatever two lawyers caught jobs representing Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen.

Olga Valeeva, winner of the Miss Crimea beauty pageant, was fined by Russian authorities for singing a patriotic Ukrainian battle anthem. She was ordered to pay 40,000 rubles, and return to her new job driving a tank.

Three teens in Florida stole a Maserati and led police on a 120-mph high-speed chase before flipping the car, killing one of the thieves. The news gets worse because the Maserati was insured with The General.

A new animated Scooby-Doo movie will confirm Velma is gay – but still not as gay as Fred’s neckerchief.

Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz is accused of killing puppies for medical research. Some of them suffered punctured hearts, the rest died from overeating Green Coffee Bean Extract Dog Chow.

By |

Coolio died unexpectedly at age 59, allegedly from a heart attack in the bathroom. This marks the first time anyone ever compared Coolio to Elvis Presley.

Hurricane Ian delivered devastating winds and storm surge, crippling entire cities on the Gulf Coast. This surprised many, since a Florida Man typically only injures himself and maybe a couple of others.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers may move their Sunday home game against Kansas City due to hurricane damage. Tom Brady refused to criticize Hurricane Ian, since he’s always been a big fan of low-pressure systems.

Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, Mackenzie Scott, filed for divorce from her second husband, Dan Jewett, after less than two years of marriage, citing not enough Prime Days.

Netflix removed the LGBTQ content tag from docudrama ‘Dahmer: Monster – The Jeffrey Dahmer Story’ following complaints from the community – specifically, the homophobic cannibal community.

Maryna Moroz is the first woman UFC fighter to be featured as a Playboy Centerfold – inducing men looking at her pictures into chokeholds.

Queen Elizabeth II’s death certificate was released to the public, with her cause of death officially listed as ‘Old Age’. Although the coroner took the unusual step of adding ‘but all those dry-ass scones didn’t help’.

Khloe Kardashian stated after an MRI scan that she suffered ‘brain trauma’ from Tristan Thompson’s cheating. Other doctors disagreed with the cause, saying it was headboard-impact trauma from Thompson and several other NBA players.

An unruly fan was removed from a Washington Nationals baseball game after fighting three ushers. His ejection resulted in a box score adjustment to change the official attendance from 83 to 82.

A New York City resident asked on Reddit how to get rid of the smell of a rotting corpse from an adjacent apartment that was impacting his. Suggestions including baking soda, cooking dry coffee grounds, and buying his neighbor a bigger freezer for Christmas.

By |

Florida sent dozens of Venezuelan migrants to Martha’s Vineyard on charter flights as a political statement against open borders. The migrants may have been lied to, because when they arrived they asked what time the James Taylor concert started, and when their new jobs begin at Obama’s summer house.

A nationwide strike of railroad workers appears to have been averted after marathon talks between the federal government, railroad union leaders, and really persuasive hobos.

A source tells news organizations that Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are “living separately” due to a rift caused by his decision to unretire. Their differences could not be repaired even after Brady left training camp for a week to join Bundchen at Gronkowski Relationship Counseling Center.

A Chick-fil-A worker broke up a parking lot carjacking attempt, where the suspect punched the employee in the face while trying to steal a woman’s car with a baby inside. “My plesshr” said the employee through missing teeth when thanked for his heroism.

Starbucks is rolling out a new plan to speed up service – limiting customer drink orders to twenty words or less.

Kim Kardashian said she’s done dating entertainers, and that her next boyfriend could be a neuroscientist. Kim’s Instagram DMs are currently frozen due to an influx of photos from neuroscientists with unusually large penises.

A Chicago court found R. Kelly guilty on 6 charges of child pornography and not guilty of 7 others. “See! I TOLD you I was innocent!” he said.

TikTok executives would not commit to stopping the flow of U.S.’ users personal data to China. However, TikTok said China’s government is taking steps to ensure their citizens aren’t exposed to terrible standup comedy bits.

A new book claims Melania Trump told her husband “you’re blowing this” regarding the COVID-19 pandemic. The book claims Donald Trump said the same thing to a Playboy Playmate, a porn star, and multiple Miss Teen USA contestants.

Disney World guests are complaining that, despite rising ticket prices, the rides are often broken, and the park is filthy. It’s so bad, Pluto now takes a dump on the sidewalk and Mickey just leaves it there.

By |

Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are rumored to be in an “epic fight” over his decision to unretire and play another NFL season. Gisele is currently not staying at their home in Tampa, and Tom is feeling deflated.

New York City ended its mask requirement for subways, buses and other mass transit, allowing commuters to once again savor the full aromatic bouquet of urine.

Saudi Arabia threatened Netflix over content that ‘violates Islamic values’. Specifics weren’t given, although it’s believed Saudi officials are upset over gay characters, same sex kissing, and the continued availability of Adam Sandler’s ‘Jack And Jill‘.

Barack & Michelle Obama will return for the unveiling of their official portraits at The White House. Meanwhile Donald & Melania Trump will attend the unveiling of their official portraits to hang in the restrooms of Texas Roadhouse.

A Southwest Airlines pilot threatened to cancel a flight from Houston to Mexico because a passenger was Air Drop’ing nude photos to other passengers. The pilot was angry because he had an Android phone and couldn’t see them.

Genealogy technology identified the killer of Stacey Lyn Chahorski, a Michigan woman missing for 33 years, as Henry Wise, a truck driver who died in 1999. His body will be exhumed so hero cops can put handcuffs on his skeleton and perp=drag him to court.

Archaeologists discovered a 31,000-year-old body in Indonesia which, they say, highlights advanced medical knowledge because of its lower-leg amputation. They also believe it shows advanced culinary knowledge because of the recipe they found to cook the leg.

Kanye West said Hollywood is a “giant brothel”, adding that pornography “destroyed (his) family”. Ex-wife Kim was unavailable for comment while being photographed exposing her bare buttocks for the cover of Interview magazine.

Thieves in Brazil stole a parked vehicle after kicking out a naked couple having sex inside it. The vehicle was last spotted several miles away traveling at a high rate of speed with the windows down.

An Only Fans model said she almost died after undergoing labiaplasty to relieve discomfort in her vaginal area. She said she paid $6,000 for the procedure, but made about 50 times that much on Only Fans selling before-and-after pictures.

By |

Data from insurance industry website Insurify shows that, of the seven most popular vehicles owned by drivers withar DUI, seven are pickup trucks. Owners say it’s because of the convenience transporting cases of beer and injured pedestrians.

Threat assessmnent experts cite an increased risk of violence posed by “incels” – involuntary celibate men frustrated they can’t have sexual relationships with women. It’s so bad, threat levels have been elevated to Code Red for every ComicCon this summer.

The European Union stripped Russia of “Most Favored Nation” trade status. Emails sent to Russian households inform buyers their UPS shipment is scheduled to arrive ‘Never’.

Russia is seizing hundreds of Boeing & Airbus passenger jets grounded in the country. Spirit Airlines is pleased to announce new 29-Ruble SuperSaver flights between Moscow and St. Petersburg.

37 million people in China are in COVID lockdown – leading to immense stress in households that have already reached their two-child limit.

Dolly Parton refused her nomination to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, and also refused to endorse the write-in candidate seeking to take her spot on the ballot, Lou Bega.

Tom Brady’s return to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers has put his feature film project ‘80 For Brady‘ in question. That, and Jane Fonda’s decision to return to making leotard & leg warmer aerobics videos.

A Wisconsin bird flu outbreak will require the culling of 2.75 million chickens – as 300 Wisconsin fire departments band together for a world record barbecue.

A new study claims sleeping with even a small amount of light on harms your heart health. The study cites audience heart attacks suffered falling asleep during showings of three-hours-long ‘The Batman’.

Sandra Bullock announced she’s “taking a break” from acting. Viewers of her last few movies announced “that’s a terrific idea”.

By |

Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.