Tuesday Jokes: March 24th

Veteran NHL announcer Mike ‘Doc’ Emrick did play-by-play commentary over video of an auto mechanic replacing his car’s windshield wiper. Viewers called it “still more exciting than soccer”.

Walmart announced they’re seeking to hire up to 150,000 new workers – 140,000 for warehouses, and 10,000 bouncers for the toilet paper aisle.

Anyone can audit Yale University’s ‘Happiness’ course for free. For $49 you can complete assignments and receive a grade. People dumb enough to pay the money and get a ‘D’ get angry, then have their Happiness grade lowered to ‘F’.

Elon Musk bought over 1,200 ventilators from China and had them air-shipped to Los Angeles. They’ll be donated to hospitals as soon as they’re cleaned by the 2,400 robots he’s still building.

A Gallup poll says one in five adults is wearing a fitness tracker; and three in five drawers are holding one.

Jeff Bezos posted a four-page letter to Amazon workers on Instagram, claiming his sole focus is on company operations during the COVID-19 outbreak. Warehouse employees lost a grand total of $2 billion in pay taking unauthorized bathroom breaks to read it.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that the COVID-19 virus can live for up to three hours in aerosol form. Procter & Gamble announced an immediate recall of Cinnamon Vanilla Coronavirus Febreze.

Scientists discovered an ancient, wormlike creature over 500 million years old and the ancestor of all living mammals. It refused to wear a condom.

Instacart is planning to hire 30,000 grocery delivery workers. Applicants must have a valid drivers license, and the strength to toss a 20-pound bag of groceries on to a porch from 10 feet away.

Hobby Lobby chief executive David Green sent a letter to stores, claiming his wife ‘had a heavenly vision’ that God would protect them from sickness. “I had it too!” said a store worker holding a large tube of modeling glue.

 

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