Wednesday Jokes: June 3rd

Joe Biden swept all seven Democratic presidential primaries on Tuesday, then asked aides if that means he’s president now.

Ivanka Trump carried a handbag to Donald Trump’s controversial church photo op, saying she needed it to hold pepper spray in case her father got too close.

Golf courses are seeing increased use of new single-rider carts like the Finn Scooter, which resemble dirt bikes and help courses enable social distancing. They also make the day more fun when course owners install cool ramps to jump between holes.

Danielle Bregoli, aka Bhad Bhabie, aka the ‘Cash Me Outside’ Girl, has entered rehab. She asks for publicity during this very difficult time.

The Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission will lay off 500 toll collectors. All 500 will have booths installed in their driveways so they can collect unemployment benefits.

Ikea reopened stores in England and Northern Ireland, but long lines forced checkout wait times up to three hours. Workers passed out Allen wrenches so customers could use the time productively.

Google pulled an app that identified and removed other apps developed in China from its Play Store. Users would complain that, once they removed apps developed in China, there was nothing left.

A $5 billion class-action lawsuit claims Google allows tracking of web-browsing data on users in Incognito Mode. The suit was filed by “an anonymous group of a few thousand guys who are pretty sure they got fired for watching porn at work.”

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott pledged $1 million to improve the caliber of police training to address racism and advocacy. In response, Philadelphia Eagles fans raised $1 million to make police officer training worse.

AMC Theaters said in a statement it has “substantial doubt” it can remain in business because of the global pandemic. Bad news for moviegoers, good news for anyone looking to score a used electric leather recliner.

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