Tuesday Jokes: August 4th

Ellen Degeneres’ wife, Portia de Rossi, posted on social media “I Stand With Ellen”. And, in a follow-up, “I Stand Next To Ellen’s Piles Of Money”.

T-Mobile officially retired the Sprint brand on Monday. Customers are still accidentally saying “goddamned Sprint dropped my call again”.

COVID-19 testing centers are closed all along the east coast due to extreme weather. It gets worse, Isaias tested positive.

Glamour magazine released its list of The Biggest Haircut Trends for Autumn 2020. Topping the list? ‘Actually getting one’.

Scientists analyzing a fossilized dinosaur bone found that it was cancerous. The bone was discovered next to a pile of fossilized cigarette butts.

Kellyanne Conway’s 15-year-old daughter Claudia Conway called Donald Trump a “f***ing idiot” for suggesting children return to classrooms – and, in doing so, vaulted herself to the top of the list of potential Joe Biden running mates.

After losing his penis to an infection, a doctor constructed a new one on a man’s arm. Surgery will eventually move it between his legs, but until then his biggest issues are sex, urination, and proper-fitting long-sleeved shirts.

UFC founder Dana White said The Rock should ‘move fast’ on a reboot after acquiring the now-defunct XFL.  White added the first step should be combing the South Seas for a new XFL Island.

Someone put ‘Trump 2020’ stickers on the tracking collars of black bears in the Asheville, NC region. The stickers were removed and replaced with Blacks For Trump stickers.

Economists say the pandemic has created the first ‘female recession’ because of disproportionate impacts to jobs in child care and teaching. Women are reacting to COVID-19’s impact by not speaking to it.

 

 

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