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Moderna said its COVID vaccine for children aged 6 months to 5 years is effective in preventing severe effects of the virus. In fact, it’s so effective, your kids will be screaming for it.

The FDA recalled three blood pressure medications because they may cause cancer. Although you can still get them if you have a BadRX card.

A North Carolina teacher resigned after a student recorded audio of him calling them “idiots”, in what’s being called one of the worst graduation speeches ever.

U.S. airlines are asking the FAA to end the mask mandate, saying it’s the sixth-biggest complaint passengers have about flying.

Police in Upper Moreland, Pennsylvania successfully removed a soda can stuck on the head of a neighborhood skunk, but currently have no leads on the two carjackings that happened while they were busy.

New images from an international space telescope show ORCs, or “odd radio circles”, bigger than a galaxy. The 10th astronaut caller in to the radio circle wins Styx tickets.

UFC fighter Jorge Masvidal was arrested after punching rival Colby Covington outside a Miami restaurant, breaking his tooth. Covington returned inside, then a woman in a bikini paraded around the sidewalk holding a card reading ‘Round 2’ before they resumed fighting.

Spinosaurus – the biggest carnivorous dinosaur ever, larger than a T Rex – was amphibious and hunted prey underwater. Although it preferred hunting on land, because it hated how it looked in a swimsuit.

University of Arizona basketball player Benn Mathurin apologized to a Texas Christian University cheerleader, whose breast he accidentally touched leaving the court after his team’s victory. The cheerleader hasn’t responded, but was awarded two free throws.

Leah Shutkever of England broke the Guinness World Record by eating 19 chicken nuggets in one minute. Her record was broken seconds later by some guy at a red light after hitting the McDonald’s drive-thru at 1a.m.

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Walmart announced they’re hiring 50,000 more workers before May, 50 of whom are expected to still be there in June.

Drug overdose deaths reached a new annual record in 2021, caused by a surge in Fentanyl, and man-boosting Testofen in Nugenix Total T.

President Joe Biden demanded a faster reduction in gas prices. While at the gas station he also demanded three packs of wintergreen Life Savers and a bag of Werther’s Originals.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson is quitting after 13 years. Once a new CEO is confirmed, the Board Of Baristas will announce them by issuing a ceremonial cup with their name misspelled.

For the first time in the show’s history, ‘The Bachelor‘ Clayton Echard ended with every remaining Bachelorette either being dumped or rejecting him. In case you missed it, you can watch the same thing play out in every bar every Friday night.

Several NFL teams remain ‘in the mix’ for Houston Texans QB Deshaun Watson. It’s believed the asking price is multiple first round picks to acquire Watson and his 20+ sexual misconduct lawsuits.

The International Court of Justice ordered Russia to cease its invasion of Ukraine. Moments later, Rudy Giuliani filed an appeal on Russia’s behalf.

A UFC fighter subdued a man who opened fire in a Houston sushi restaurant. If you want to see the surveillance footage, it’ll cost you $60 on pay per view this Saturday.

Marylin Miglin, the “Queen Of Makeovers” from Home Shopping Network, died after a stroke. Memorial contributions can be made in four easy payments.

Kanye West ripped Pete Davidson over Davidson’s joke about wanting to have sex with a baby. Davidson was also ripped by two dozen male open-mic comedians for stealing their premise.

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Starbucks apologized for selling expired food in China. They say it takes a reeeeally long time to write out the customer’s names correctly on the orders.

Target recalled ‘Letters To Santa’ mailboxes due to laceration risk from the mail slot’s sharp edges. The recall was issued after Santa noticed a lot of his letters had small fingers in them.

Donald Trump Jr sent frantic texts to White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows on January 6th, trying to get then-President Trump to stop the violence. Trump Jr would’ve sent the message directly, but his father never gave him his phone number.

36 National Football League players tested positive for COVID-19 on Monday, the highest single-day total since testing was implemented. The 1-11-1 Detroit Lions traded all their COVID-positive players to upcoming opponents in the hope of racking up forfeit wins.

The 2022 Rivian R1T is the first all-electric pickup truck to win MotorTrend Truck of the Year. Its truck nutz are actually batteries.

Pfizer said its COVID-19 pill, Paxlovid, shows high effectiveness preventing COVID-related hospitalization and death, adding that its pill form makes it far easier than vaccines to get mind-control chips into patients.

NASA is tracking two British explorers on an 80-day, 2,200-mile walking trek across Antarctica, in preparation for future astronaut landings on Mars. So far, the most important feedback the explorers have given is “drive instead”.

New UFC women’s fighting champion Julianna Pena is celebrating her upset victory over champ Amanda Nunes by taking her 7-year-old daughter to Disney World – where she’d better behave.

Derrick Dillard, son-in-law of ‘19 Kids and Counting‘ patriarch Jim Bob Duggar, said he thinks the child porn conviction of Duggar’s son, Josh, will hurt Jim Bob’s campaign for Arkansas state senate. However, Jim Bob will tout his 18-1 record in raising non-pedophiles.

Danny Carey, drummer for Tool, was arrested following a physical altercation at the Kansas City airport. He was charged with misdemeanor assault, and acting like a total Tool, not just a quarter of it.

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Pfizer says its COVID vaccine is safe and effective for children as young as 5. Kindergarten teachers report an increasing number of students playing ‘house’ having domestic disputes over who’s getting it.

A gunman at a Russian university killed 8 people. He was offered a scholarship by several universities in the Southern U.S.

Actor Seth Rogen criticized the Emmy Awards for allowing attendees to sit inside without wearing masks. Rogen then went outside and treated his healthy lungs to some weed.

Amazon is releasing its new Kindle Paperwhite e-readers, following a successful field trial with women and men using them while walking 0.5mph on the treadmill you’re waiting to use at the gym.

SpaceX founder Elon Musk mocked President Joe Biden for failing to congratulate the first all-civilian SpaceX crew who orbited Earth and returned Saturday. The mission raised $200 million for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, and even more for Musk.

Zoos are immunizing large mammals for COVID-19, deciding it’s the best route to take after multiple zookeepers lost limbs trying to put masks on tigers and gorillas.

Pregnant Kylie Jenner and baby-daddy Travis Scott took daughter Stormi to the Houston Zoo. As a rhino walked away, Stormi pointed and said “Aunt Kim!”

Former UFC fighter Jason “Mayhem” Miller was arrested and taken to a Los Angeles jail, where he was booked as Jason “Domestic Violence & Resisting Arrest” Miller.

Amazon is casting a tv commercial featuring Buffalo Bills fans, where they’ll pay a fan $1,100 to dive on, and break, a folding table. Casting agents expect to take about three years to sift through 70,000 audition videos.

A mother at a Texas school board meeting objected to a middle school library book for its depiction of anal sex. The district removed two copies of the book, but is waiting for ten more copies that kids checked out immediately following the mother’s speech.

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City of Philadelphia public schools will all have a gender neutral bathroom this fall, ensuring trans & non-binary students have a place to smoke and buy drugs.

Several matches at the recently-completed Wimbledon tennis championships are being investigated for alleged fixing – starting with the ones where players used badminton racquets.

Qanon believers are becoming increasingly prevalent in California yoga & spirituality communities – beginning and ending classes wih ‘Don Must Stay’.

A white “Karen” was recorded attacking a black woman in a Victoria’s Secret in New Jersey. She was escorted away by police after getting several of her panties in a bunch.

Conor McGregor received a six-month medical suspension, preventing him from fighting while he recovers from a broken leg. This upends McGregor’s plan to fight sooner by grabbing the leg with his arm and hitting his opponent with it.

A Cleveland hospital mistakenly transplanted a new kidney to the wrong patient. Worse, the patient can only return it for store credit instead of a refund.

Gillian Anderson will no longer wear a bra. The truth – and her nipple – is out there.

Astronomers sighted a rare teardrop-shaped star – meaning, it killed another star.

Extreme heat is killing salmon in the Sacramento River. It’s so bad, instead of trying to swim upstream to escape it, they’re booking flights.

Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman are now officially divorced. A judge signed off on the terms, including a custody arrangement where their two kids spend every other weekend in prison.

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Ronda Rousey is four months pregnant, following her husband’s victory via submission hold in December.

NFL owners ratified new rules to expand the duties of the instant replay official in the press box – he or she will now be responsible for fetching beers in between helping on-field officials get their calls wrong.

Pregnant women are being encouraged to get a COVID-19 vaccine by the CDC, and by their friends & family so they can talk about something else besides being pregnant.

Oklahoma passed a law giving some legal protections to operators that strike protesters with their vehicles. The protesters are no longer permitted to sue the cowboy or the horse.

The International Space Station is running out of beds, according to both NASA, and the snippy front desk clerk at the International Space Station.

Reports surfaced of Barstool Sports CEO Erika Nardini having an affair with her married squash coach – who is now her separated smash coach.

Jeopardy! Announced its new roster of guest hosts, including Levar Burton, Robin Roberts, David Faber, George Stephanopolous and Joe Buck. Fan reaction ranged from delight over the inclusion of Levar Burton, to “Who the hell is David Faber?”

The Los Angeles Dodgers will debut a ‘fully vaccinated fan section’ at Dodger Stadium for Saturday’s game against the San Diego Padres – to be followed by a ‘fully vaccinated fistfight section’ for future home games against the San Francisco Giants.

A new study finds sleep deprivation in midlife increases the risk of dementia. In other words, your crying baby really is driving you nuts.

The purchaser of Jeffrey Epstein’s Palm Beach mansion had it demolished, sharing photos of bucket loaders tearing up the floorboards and filling up with girls underwear.

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Ellen Degeneres’ wife, Portia de Rossi, posted on social media “I Stand With Ellen”. And, in a follow-up, “I Stand Next To Ellen’s Piles Of Money”.

T-Mobile officially retired the Sprint brand on Monday. Customers are still accidentally saying “goddamned Sprint dropped my call again”.

COVID-19 testing centers are closed all along the east coast due to extreme weather. It gets worse, Isaias tested positive.

Glamour magazine released its list of The Biggest Haircut Trends for Autumn 2020. Topping the list? ‘Actually getting one’.

Scientists analyzing a fossilized dinosaur bone found that it was cancerous. The bone was discovered next to a pile of fossilized cigarette butts.

Kellyanne Conway’s 15-year-old daughter Claudia Conway called Donald Trump a “f***ing idiot” for suggesting children return to classrooms – and, in doing so, vaulted herself to the top of the list of potential Joe Biden running mates.

After losing his penis to an infection, a doctor constructed a new one on a man’s arm. Surgery will eventually move it between his legs, but until then his biggest issues are sex, urination, and proper-fitting long-sleeved shirts.

UFC founder Dana White said The Rock should ‘move fast’ on a reboot after acquiring the now-defunct XFL.  White added the first step should be combing the South Seas for a new XFL Island.

Someone put ‘Trump 2020’ stickers on the tracking collars of black bears in the Asheville, NC region. The stickers were removed and replaced with Blacks For Trump stickers.

Economists say the pandemic has created the first ‘female recession’ because of disproportionate impacts to jobs in child care and teaching. Women are reacting to COVID-19’s impact by not speaking to it.

 

 

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Robert Johnson, billionaire founder of BET Network, said the U.S. government should pay black Americans $14 trillion in reparations for slavery. “Yeah!” said Rachel Dolezal.

UFC fighter Jon Jones said he’ll relinquish his light heavyweight title belt – but the pawn shop guy said he’s still only giving him $200 for it.

Police in Pittsburgh seek to arrest and charge 20-year-old Brian Bartels for starting riots there. Bartels allegedly said that Philadelphia is a pretty great city, too.

Actor Thomas Middleditch and wife Mollie Gates – who Middleditch has said have an open marriage – are getting divorced. Their marriage is now more open than ever.

Donald Trump plans to declare Antifa a terrorist organization, and is pretty sure he’ll do the same for Uncletifa.

Dozens of Walmart and Target stores closed after being looted during weekend riots. Workers were largely unsuccessful collecting email addresses to let the looters know when the stores plan to reopen.

White Claw hard seltzer launched in Ireland, delighting women who want a lighter alternative to get loaded before their bar fights. 

Beyoncé posted on Instagram, telling her fans to demand justice and end racial inequality. She then shut off the camera and asked her assistants to let her know how everything turns out.

Mark Zuckerberg said Facebook needs to do more to support equality and safety for black communities. Then he kicked back and watched Facebook videos about how black people started COVID-19.

The World Meteorological Organization released its alphabetically-ordered list of hurricane names for 2020, starting with Arthur, Bertha, Cristobal & Dolly. Kyle was chosen for letter K, leading to Karen asking to speak to the hurricane’s manager.

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The Invisible Man brought in close to $30 million this weekend – as billionaire Tom Steyer checked his savings account and dropped out of the presidential race.

As part of an agreement to lower the number of U.S. troops in Afghanistan, over 5000 Taliban fighters will be released, and added to UFC lineups in Kabul.

Tony Romo agreed to a record $17 million per year deal to remain an NFL analyst at CBS Sports. Meanwhile, at ESPN, Booger McFarland agreed to pay $2 million per year to keep saying nonsense on Monday Night Football.

Washington state is investigating a possible coronavirus outbreak at a nursing home. The good news is that the visitors lounge was empty anyway.

Buckingham Palace officially confirmed that Harry & Meghan will be allowed to retain their royal titles – Black Sheep & Golddigger.

Workers at Disney World retrieved an iPhone 11 from the Seven Seas Lagoon attraction after it had been dropped in the water at a Halloween party – though the phone’s owner was shocked to see naked pics of Ariel that Sebastian took under the sea.

The Surgeon General urged Americans to stop buying face masks to prevent coronavirus, saying the shortage is hindering the ability to get them for medical professionals and ugly people.

The last crew members on board the contaminated Diamond Princess cruise liner were evacuated, and the ship will return to port to be sterilized. Once seaworthy, it will relaunch with the captain breaking a bottle of Clorox over its bow.

Google apologized after its Nest home security cameras stopped working during a 17-hour outage. Subscribers to video cloud storage will receive a $5 refund, and creeps will get an update of what the small child they’re stalking did during the 17 hours.

Public Enemy fired Flavor Flav. Founder Chuck D said the group has been called a lot of names over the years, but never flavorless.

Americans will soon rely on methods other than passwords as the main form of cybersecurity, according to Vijay Balasubramaniyan – CEO of Pindrop, an online security company – who admits he uses his last name as a password and no one has cracked it.

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Southwest Airlines grounded two Boeing jets after finding cracks in a key part – the pilots’ skulls.

Rapper-turned-jailhouse snitch Tekashi 6ix9ine is reportedly planning his post-prison comeback, scheduled to start in the year 20wenty 6ix9ine.

Former NBC employee Brooke Nevils claims she was sexually assaulted by Matt Lauer, while Lauer claims their sexual encounters were consensual. “I can help settle this” said experienced news journalist Maury Povich, dusting off his lie detector.

A company called Future Meat Technologies claims they could have the first lab-grown meat cultivated from animal cells on store shelves by 2022. They could have the first lab-grown veal a week after they start making it.

  • Future Meat Technologies: the other-other white meat.

The NFL upheld its season-long suspension of Oakland Raiders LB Vontaze Burfict for a malicious helmet-to-helmet hit. Burfict has been offered a season-long development scholarship by the UFC.

California utility PG&E is utilizing blackouts to limit the spread of wildfires – and to increase the number of easier-to-control candle-sparked house fires.

A pediatrician said children should start packing their own school lunches starting at age 8. His opinion was published along with a recipe for Sour Patch Kids sandwiches.

Sesame Street is introducing a new Muppet character whose parent struggles with opioid addiction. Producers say the parent won’t be introduced, and will be known only as Shootemupagus.

A family returned from a vacation to find a window broken and a goat napping in the bathroom. The goat was returned to a farm up the road, but the Mom is wondering why the goat had the address and Dad’s phone number programmed into its phone.

A Monmouth University study of 1,100 U.S. adults states that 6% consider candy corn their favorite Halloween candy. Researchers footnoted that at least 6% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of serious mental illness.