Great Britain raised its virus threat level for COVID-19, from ‘Pish-posh’ to ‘Good heavens!”

Democrats unveiled a bill meant to avoid a government shutdown, but Republican Mitch McConnell said it omitted farm aid. “That’s because those concerts sucked” said Dems.

Police conducted the largest fentanyl bust in Delaware history, seizing drugs with a street value of $5 million. “Now what’re we gonna do for fun?” asked Delawareians.

A man was arrested for throwing construction debris on New York City subway tracks, causing a derailment. Although Brooklyn hipsters getting off the derailed train were happy to collect the old bricks and distressed wood.

Donald Trump said that his upcoming Supreme Court nominee will be a woman. He’ll announce it Friday or Saturday, after reviewing Playboy’s ‘Women Of The High Court’ issue.

The CDC said trick-or-treating during the pandemic is “high risk”. Trick-or-treaters say handing out candy corn or fruit is “high risk” for getting your house egged.

Australian officials are struggling to save hundreds of pilot whales stranded on sandbars and shallow water – and that’s not even counting the thousands of angry passenger whales.

NASA published its Artemis Plan, which includes landing the first woman on the Moon in 2024. The centerpiece of the plan is using the next four years to heat the Moon to 80 degrees.

Sizzler steakhouses declared bankruptcy. In a statement, the CEO acknowledged the decision was like their steaks – tough.

Hillary Clinton is launching a podcast. So, I guess that makes everybody.