Joe Biden issued an Executive Order directing the U.S. Postal Service to use electric vehicles. “Electric vehicles” meaning mail trucks, and robots trained to deliver mail slowly to the wrong house.
Anti-violence groups in Philadelphia held a gun buyback event, where each gun could be exchanged for $100 in grocery store gift cards. In other news, police are seeking an armed robber who stole 100 guns and $10,000 in grocery store gift cards.
United Nations Secretary General Antonio Guterres urged the forming of a global alliance to end white supremacy & neo-Nazism. The effort would be led by Dr. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones, Jr.
MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell was permanently suspended from Twitter for spreading lies about the presidential election. He took to Parler and Gab to say he won’t end the pillow fight.
A court in India ruled that groping over clothing without skin-on-skin contact is not sexual assault. The ruling was followed by a groundbreaking ceremony for a new Trump hotel and golf complex in India.
Pizza Hut announced the nationwide rollout of a new Detroit-style pizza. They say it’s thick like a Chicago-style pizza, only rectangular, and you don’t have to shoot the driver delivering it.
A judge ordered the surveillance sex video of New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft at Orchids of Asia spa be destroyed. The workers can still keep their Super Bowl rings.
Canadian legislators voted unanimously to designate the Proud Boys a white supremacist terrorist group. Or, as they’re known in Canada, the Prood Buys.
Kellyanne Conway is accused of posting a topless image of her 16-year-old daughter on Twitter. “And you suspend ME?” said the My Pillow guy.
Cops in Arizona are looking for prison escapees who used a large air conditioning unit as a battering ram to access a closet for tools used in their escape. Remaining inmates are waiting to beat the sh*t out of them for breaking the air conditioner.